Keep Wearing Wedding Band? [Thread #2]

[CT1118]

Hopefully our W's will realize what they have destroyed and want to make it work...

That is a really alluring thought, and I still wish that to some degree. But there is also a somewhat different wish: I hope my W will get to a mentally and emotionally healthy place. And from that healthy place, she will still see me, and that I will be a healthy, attractive person to her.
Probably too much to wish for...

FG - that's a completely honest and altruistic wish, why would it be too much? I don't know if I would use the word 'wish', but what you said is certainly something I would prefer. But the premise is that WW is a mother to my S4 and I want her to be healthy if for no other reason than him. I would like to a part of it, but if I can be, I can know he is in good hands w/out me.
Stay strong my brother.

(((Gump))), I think I've heard it said here so many times but we don't want our old marriage back anyway and that's what I keep telling myself. This is a chance for a brand new relationship to build from the foundation up. Get rid if all those crumbling bricks of your old marriage this is what we are all aiming for.

It could just be a symptom of going dark as I actually feel like some sort of drug addict having withdrawal symptoms (never taken drugs so not sure if I am just trivialising how withdrawal feels!). ! I know that's probably considered as codependency but it's so damn hard to shake it off....

Coly23 - that's right, the old marriages were bad, new ones are needed. The morning WW and I decided to separate I told her one thing was for certain, "our old marriage is dead".

I have taken a whole lot of drugs in my life and am now quite sober from them. Sadly, it took WW's A & our S to get me there, but silver linings right? Anyway I digress, your statement is not trivial, it's true. Today was my first NC day w/ WW and a vast majority of the day I was quite happy about it, but there were brief interludes where my mind was full on wanting to contact - things is, I have not initiated a day's contact since late April I believe. That's addiction works, any kind, you get to where days are better than they were, but sometimes a little devil plops on your shoulder and says, "what if you just..."

[ForGump]

FG - that's a completely honest and altruistic wish, why would it be too much?

It feels too much because ... of the way she is. I believe there are deep root causes for her being a WW/MLC now, and it's difficult to imagine her going to a healthy place, unless she somehow wakes up decides to seek some professional help (I'm talking about IC, not MC), which she has refused so far.

[ForGump]

Yesterday after dinner, my W had a couple of drinks and wanted to vent to me about how difficult it had been for her to try to get her career jump started. I usually just clean up after dinner and go spend time w/ my kids or by myself, because I want to detach and I don't want to be her neutered BFF. But this time she really appeared to want to engage me in a conversation, and I thought it might be a chance for me to offer some validation, and a chance to do a bit of 180 where I paid good attention to her while she expressed herself and her emotions (which I sometimes did not do a good job of, in preceding years).

I think I did only a fair job at validating. It's hard for me to do it, w/o feeling like I'm sounding fake. Anyway, I think it's dawning on her -- at least momentarily -- how difficult the path ahead of her is, and she was discouraged. I don't really expect this to be much of a wake up call, because she's not very materialistic (a trait I love about her, if not taken to an extreme), and is willing to sacrifice material wealth/comfort for her emotional needs. I don't know, I just don't see her attraction for me welling up because all of a sudden she realizes she needs to rely on me financially.

The conversation turned to one of her friends, who I believe has been at best an encouraging echo chamber with respect to my W becoming WW/MLC; and at worst a fire-setter. I have zero respect for this friend because she's a habitual liar, is having an A w/ a married man, is an unprincipled and crappy (single) parent, and a crappy daughter to her elderly parents. I had resented this woman for a while, so when the chance came up, I stated in no uncertain terms what I think about her, and while I talking about how she treats her parents, I suddenly choked up so I just got up and left the room, then went for a run. Today she mentioned to me that she agrees with me on my assessment of this friend, and that she intends to curtail her friendship with this woman. I'm not sure if this is a good or a bad thing. My IC will probably chastise me for playing a parental role to my W. She might be right.

On a different note ... I put on some old Dave Matthews Band while playing w/ my S after dinner -- I don't listen to them very often -- and one of the songs just took me back to the feeling I had when I first met my W. That intense, satisfying physical intimacy that makes the air feel thicker, makes you feel the heart in your chest, and makes every nerve ending in your body vibrate. I haven't had that feeling for many years, and it made me think that's what she's craving, that's what she's tasted w/ her EA (PA?), and that's what's driving her down the path to a D.

[Coly23]

Hi Gump, did she end her EA? I'm no expert and I am sure Sandi would have her thoughts on this but do you think at the moment (and sorry if I sound harsh) she is mourning the EA that is why she is still on the path to D?

[Natus]

I couldn't do half of what you do. You have been in-house sep since mid 2016. I was in-house for 5 months and being around her everyday i couldn't detach at all, it kept me attracted and desiring her, hoping and mind reading even though i was going dim and GAL.

Have you detached?

[albac]

You are doing a great job Gump,

It's not easy we all know that. I can't imagine what it would be like to be in house separated, as my W left the day after she told me she had enough.

Seeing my W even now makes things so much harder! I haven't seen or spoken to W in 2 days and it has been the most peaceful I have felt in a long time.

NC is helping me so much and I THINK it is having an effect on my W she is still trying to instigate contact daily and I ignore it.

Your W doesn't sound sure about what she wants. Mine knew she wanted out and she left straight away. I just don't know what goes through the head of someone who says they want out but stays. I didn't see any of the signs that my W was distancing herself and gearing up for separation.

It's such a hard situation for you but everything you are doing and saying I think is the best you can do. Keep it up Gump just show her you are the happy independent man only a fool would leave and hide the broken empty inside that we are all feeling. If anything feels fake I find it helps to think about things that make me truly believe what I'm doing.

Like I feel bad going NC because I love her and I know that. So I think in my head she doesn't love me and wants someone else. That makes it so much easier for me to not want to speak to her, because in my head I picture a women that is being fake to me in trying to get my attention to make her feel better. I'm never angry , mean or show that I'm hurting I just keep it short and sweet all smiles but always get away as fast as I can.

Stay strong Gump.

[JRuss]

ForGump -- outstanding work! It sounds to me like you handled things like a pro.

[ForGump]

Dear SANDI2 or anyone else who would care to speculate/discuss:

a) What is the difference between WW and MLC?

b) I can see that someone having a MLC is very likely to become a WW/WH, though it's not absolutely necessary. For example, an MLC can just get a red sports car, take a backpack trip across the globe, and be done w/ his/her MLC. But can a spouse be a WW/WH without having a MLC? If it's not MLC that's driving a person into WW/WH, what's driving them?

[Wonka]

Gump,

I'd be happy to answer your questions about the differences between a MLCer and WAS. Later on tonight will give you a more detailed response.

Be in touch soon.

[CT1118]

a) What is the difference between WW and MLC?

b) I can see that someone having a MLC is very likely to become a WW/WH, though it's not absolutely necessary. For example, an MLC can just get a red sports car, take a backpack trip across the globe, and be done w/ his/her MLC. But can a spouse be a WW/WH without having a MLC? If it's not MLC that's driving a person into WW/WH, what's driving them?

Dooooooooooode! I did all that work on my thread man...page 1, go back and re-read it. I have MLC stuff and reasons for an A that happen w/ or w/out MLC. I also have some other stuff to post once my thread hits 100 and resets (PS, I'm at 98, so go there and find two things to say so I can re-start). And....b/c Wonka is a wordsmithing Samurai and Sandi is the hammer of truth, I would also like to read their input.

Also:

The conversation turned to one of her friends, who I believe has been at best an encouraging echo chamber with respect to my W becoming WW/MLC; and at worst a fire-setter. I have zero respect for this friend because she's a habitual liar, is having an A w/ a married man, is an unprincipled and crappy (single) parent, and a crappy daughter to her elderly parents.

First - one cannot be encouraged to have an MLC, and MLC either will or will not occur. All of us however, will face thoughts of mortality, value, and purpose in middle age, does not mean an MLC. But, this dirt bag could encourage negative behaviors that your WW presents as wanting justification on, regardless of her being a WW w/or w/out MLC.
MY WW has two best friends living in her hometown. One of them recently told her H who was going thru a depression that if he did not get better and have ML w/ she would go out and find it. The other is M w/ a dude that she began an office affair with while his W was pregnant w/ twins. So, think my WW gets encouraged w/ all the need freedom, not built for marriage, have a right to my own body bullsht from those two? Bet your a*s. Also why her BF's who took my side are not being spoken w/ at this time.