Thanks, EDF. Now this. W swears ow is not interested in contacting her at all and that ow has moved on. But I snooped. Why whenever I snoop do I find something that sets me back -- but it's always something i need to know. ow sent W an email YESTERDAY about a retirement home in Paris!!! It was sent to two other people as well, but W was first on the list... and it said, "to the women I want to commune with." EXCUUUUSE ME??????
W has promised, as a way of winning back my trust, that she will tell me if ow contacts her. She did not tell me. I had to snoop and found this. She also had promised me that before -- then they had lunch 10 days ago and she told me afterwards -- in other words, she didn't tell me about that until after the fact, probably knowing that if I found out there would be hell to pay. Well there was still hell to pay.
And why the hell does ow think she can still contact my W and propose a frickin' retirement home with her????????????
I'm so upset. It may be ow just trying to keep her hooks in, but W is weak. She can't resist attention. And my screaming at her, I know, made her question her commitment to me all over again.
Friends, it's never easy.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
What can I do to get ow out of W's life? TXHubby, I need your advice. I desperately want to call ow out on this bulls&*t and tell her to leave us the he!! alone.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
NYGal, so sorry to hear that OW won't leave W alone!
You said before that you could out OW's antics at the U but it could have negative consequences for you?
I wonder, have you and W ever talked about the chemical effect it has on the body and brain to have an A? I guess I mean to ask, does W know what she's fighting? Are the two of you seeing an MC? Are you seeing an IC?
I know it's easy to blame OW (I do it myself) but the real issue is one of trust with W...
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
W has been pretty attentive and trying to help me through this. But then the lunch, and now not telling me about ow contacting her AGAIN. Yes, OW is about to be named to a big position on campus, a position that requires discretion. But she has revealed things about why employees were fired that were top secret. One in particular involves her boss -- the position she is now about to be named as permanent in. (bad grammar, but I'm in a hurry!!!) The news would at the least cause people to question her judgment and at worst she could be denied the position I suppose. I want to confront her and tell her to leave us the hell alone or I will tell our ethics hotline people... but I am not that kind of person I guess... and I'm afraid of the consequences. Whistleblowers never win.
We are seeing a MC for a few sessions --she was my IC but all agreed it would be ok for us to be seen as a couple. She's good. Very practical and actually used to be a DB coach!!!
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Painter, is ow living in your home?? I am so so sorry this is happening.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
It's perplexing to me that your W is carrying on these conversations/cover-ups while still communicating over something you have access to!
I think I'd chalk that up to at least some degree of lingering fog. I know it [censored], but I guess I would take it as a positive that she is not using some other form of communication, and that she came clean to you about the meeting. It doesn't excuse what she did, but I think if you still want to see if things can work you want to try to avoid the instinctive rage reaction when she chooses to be honest. Maybe tell her you are very upset and need time to think about this before you respond. You want to discourage the relapses, sure, but you don't want to inadvertently discourage her being honest with you (even if it is after the event, it's better than continuing to conceal).
Was this a work or private email - if it's private email would your W be willing to set OW as a blocked sender so she literally does not get those emails?
Me, WW - Upper 30s BD - Apr 1 2016 EA - Apr 7 2016 (discovered; ongoing for months; did not confront right away) Confronted wife about EA - May 17 Wife sent NC email to OM - July 11
I'm glad you're seeing the C! Hopefully that will be a good place to discuss this.
Yes, WH moved OW into our home in secret 3 weeks after I left. I found out from SD, who came to visit her dad and walked into a completely changed house and a woman she had never met before, and was told to keep it a secret from me. Then I found lots of FB posts where OW showed of a huge engagement ring and said they're getting M this year.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Oh Painter. So sad. I hope that OW gets what she deserves. Nothing but pain. Why do people think it's just A-OK to mess with others' relationships?
EDF, it was work email. W says she has blocked ow from her phone/texts. But it's so easy to unblock... I think I've made a mess of things, and I'm so uncomfortable with the waiting.
I will bring this up at MC tomorrow. I'm a wreck now and will try and fake it until then.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
And now I have to move out of my office -- that one that W walked by all winter just so I'd see her and she'd be close to me... those dark days during the middle of the A. But I will miss my office. My new one is dark with a view of the A/C unit on the roof.
Let's have a pity party for NYGal! Sorry... just not a good day all around.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
NYGal, have you thought about what your boundaries are going to be for reconciliation? How much are you willing to accept in order to be with her? It doesn't sound like she is being very respectful of your feelings if she is not honoring the agreements she has made with you.
I agree with Painter...although I can certainly understand the negative feelings towards OW's predatory behavior, she is not your problem. A person who loves you and is truly committed is going to be loyal no matter who is showering them with attention. W is not making choices that display loyalty to you, but rather loyalty to her own wants and needs. Be careful about excusing her behavior as weakness, because that implies it's something she can't help. It's not a weakness...she is making willful choices.
What concrete action is W willing to take to demonstrate she is working on bettering herself? How has she agreed to work with you to improve your marriage so neither of you feel vulnerable to outside attention in the future? Words are not enough. Liars lie (and hide contact and meet up for secret lunches). She needs to show her commitment to you with actions. Beware when words and actions don't line up.
Remember, you are the prize. You shouldn't have to fight for someone to recognize your value or commit to you.
