The end of May my H and I renewed our wedding vows to celebrate our 15th wedding anniversary (slightly early, the actual date is 8/15). We have two boys, ages 11 and 9. The next day we left for Costa Rica for a week. The trip was a bust. I felt like we had different expectations and came away feeling disappointed.
After a week being home, and feeling like my H was distant I sat down and asked him what is going on. I felt like it was a disappointment, I said.
He revealed he has been miserable in our marriage for about eleven months and has been thinking about leaving for at least a few months. He had been wanting the trip to reinvigorate our marriage and came away completely emotionally detached and now was counting down the time until he left.
I was completely surprised. I immediately got us into a marriage counselor. I started working on all his list of complaints about me. But he seemed even further away. He was constantly on his phone and all of a sudden I noticed he had a password. Literally, a week after his revelation I decided to look at our phone bill and saw a phone number he texted almost 3,000 times in 3 weeks!
Turns out he was having an affair with a MUCH younger W. I put my foot down. He couldn't have us both. It was me or her. He said he ended it, I took more vacation time and we went on dates (during the course of 1 week). One night I drank too much, all my emotions came out and I yelled at him. I hit him. I cried. He revealed he was in love with this other woman. He wanted to separate.
In the light of the next day he came to me and said he wanted to work on our marriage. He had been feeling better, he said. But he was going to move to the basement to sleep though.
About 5 days later, after another therapy session and working on our marriage I found he had not cut off the relationship. I confronted him and he didn't deny it. I kicked him out of the house.
4 hours later he called and wanted to come home. He said, "I've been weighing what I'm losing and what I'm gaining and I'm being an idiot." he said all the right things. So I let him come home.
We went on another small trip. And I threw everything into saving my marriage. We were having sex 2-3 times a day, everyday. We were working out at the gym together everyday. I would cancel plans to spend time with him. The first 2 weeks were great but I could sense him detaching again. he would make small remarks that would hurt my feelings, which I would try and ignore.
Friday: Exactly one month after I kicked him out the first time we went out for a meal and drinks. Once again he did some small thing that hurt my feelings and I tried to ignore, but I could feel my emotions rising. When we got home (I was driving) I parked in the driveway and said I was going to go for a short drive. He wanted to know what happened, and I said nothing, I just needed to get away for a minute. I didn't want to argue and I didn't want to cry in front of him.
I was gone for 20 minutes.
When I got home he was gone. It was about 9:30 pm and the kids were left home alone. I sent my youngest son to go upstairs to watch tv, all of a sudden he started screaming and crying. "What is this? What does this mean? Did you write this?"
My husband left a note "I CAN'T KEEP DOING THIS!" with his wedding ring on top.
He turned off his phone and didn't answer calls.
Saturday: The next day, mid-afternoon, he wanted to talk. "I do want this to work. I want to be here." He said. So I said, "well, you can't come home just yet because the kids know. So let's date, let's go to counseling together, let's do quality family time." He said "ok."
Sunday: The next day he was supposed to pick us up at noon and showed up 30 minutes late and still not wearing his wedding ring. I asked him what his motivations are. "Are you using this separation to work on yourself and this marriage or are you getting more ok with being separated?" He asked, "Why do you ask?"
Later that day I said if you aren't willing to work on this marriage then why don't we just work toward divorce. He said, "ok." He came by the house a few hours after that to tell the kids "Daddy and mommy won't be together anymore."
Monday: The next day he came by to have a day of fun with the kids. After doing a lot of soul searching I approached him when he dropped the kids off.
I said, "I love you. I don't want a divorce. I want us to be together, I want our family together, and I want you to be happy. For the past month I've been trying to MAKE you happy but obviously I can't make you happy, you have to figure that out for yourself. So I am going to give you the space to do that." He said, "ok." And I walked off. (no physical contact)
I did NOT call or text him after this.
Wednesday: he texted:
"I don't expect you to answer me back and would completely understand. I would've texted sooner but I know how much you probably hate me and that scares me. I wanted to see how you are doing and to let you know I'll be by tomorrow to mow and to take the boys out. I'll come by and fix the toilet as soon as I get a chance. I'm working again (quit his job because she worked there) and I should have you the money you wanted for August and then some. I do miss you."
I didn't respond.
Thursday: he texted again:
"Yard is mowed. I was also wondering if you would like to go on hike with me this afternoon."
I didn't respond.
5 min later he texted again:
"I would take you out on a date but I don't have the money. If you don't want to just say no. I've been thinking a lot about what you said the other day. I do miss you and I'm not asking for everything to just bang bang happen and be back to normal. Just want to go on a hike with you."
I didn't respond
5 min later he called.
I told him I would meet him.
He said he would like to take me on dates and what would I think of that. I said, "I would like that, BUT you can't be talking to other women." We had small chit chat for about 30 min and then he ended the conversation, "This has been a good talk," he said, then went to get back to playing with the kids.
Friday: I haven't had a call or text and I haven't called or texted.
I'm trying to detach my clingy behavior from July. I'm lonely. I'm afraid he's yanking me around again, but I can't help be hopeful. The kids are hopeful. Please help.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Hi lonelyw sorry you are here! I'm a newb as well so I have no advice. Keep an eye out for the vets, they will help you and being on this forum will too.
It seems like you are headed in a good direction with the non clingy behavior. Stay strong -c
LonelyW - I certainly feel for you. You did "everything" you could to save your M and probably feel that it just didn't work.
I can't say whether you are dealing with a mid life crisis, a "walk away husband" or any of the other labels you will see us use here but the biggest thing is that YOU are hurting and you have children who are depending on you.
One of the best pieces of advice that I've gotten here that I'm going to pass on is to first think about yourself. You need to be strong to get through this and strong for your children. It will help us get some context if we knew what your ages etc were - as you can see from my signature line I'm probably old enough to be your father - this pain and drama can happen at any time.
Your H is currently lost and confused - chasing after him will only drive him further away. I presume you want him to come back to you and your family of his own free will and recommit. He needs to walk that path alone. One story that might help in Cadet's list is the Lighthouse story. I tend to make jokes but the one variation of that that sticks with me is someone commenting that they needed to be a Lighthouse and not a tugboat. Let your light shine brightly knowing that both you and H are in your own fogs.
Keep posting and remember to visit around this community. There's a lot of support here that has helped me in my darkest days and I hope it helps you too. There's a lot of excellent information in Cadet's links and I strongly encourage you to read through them all and then visit other threads. A lot of us here are men but there are a number of women struggling with the similar issues to you too. This sorrow doesn't have a gender line.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
That's a tough spot. I remember when I was in my mid 30s and had the red convertible and wondered where I was going in life.
Take a deep breath and know that you're not alone. If finances permit some of the counseling that is offered may be worthwhile but it is strongly recommended to do lots of reading from Cadet's links , getting the Divorce Recovery and/or Divorce Busting books (if for no other reason than to give MWD money for supporting this site) and also seek out some others here like Cherry who is a bit younger and going through a tough time or Ginger who is as spunky as her handle. For me, I find that it helps me to help others.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
LonelyW - Just from reading your sitch, specifically the part where you put boundaries and stop contacting your H it creates a reaction from him. That my be a positive sign as to utilizing sandi's rules.
I'm also new here and I definitely feel and can understand part of your pain.
This forum will help you at the very least be sounding board.
LonelyW - I wish I was as advanced by instinct as you seem to be when I first got here. Anyway, and without any bullsht...first round of advice: 1. Please read and re-read, and read and re-read soon the links Cadet sent you in the 1st response you received her. Why? You will learn the language and culture used here.People here use references to threads from that initial Cadet post (you already saw where AndrewP referred to the lighthouse story, I knew what he meant, did not when I first got here). 2. Be sure to answer the questions people ask you i full detail. You will feel like you are writing too much, but all of it is in an effort to better understand. 3. AndrewP and Cadet said to get DR/DB books. I think the DR book is more important and valid to modern times. If you buy one, make it that one. Otherwise, together they cost < $ 30 bucks on Amazon and can be read in < 20 days. 4. Give up lonely, give up afraid. The fact that you came here already knowing what detach meant, but knowing you wanted to do it is amazing. 5. Seriously, read what those dudes above assigned to you you. Red it now. It's a lot, it takes time, read it.
"There is no more important fight than the one for ourselves. Keep on winning." Ginger1, Read her newbies. BD: Feb '16 D: Mar '17 Piecing: Putting the self back together was my piecing. S6
Sorry, number of typo's above. I hate that when tired.
"There is no more important fight than the one for ourselves. Keep on winning." Ginger1, Read her newbies. BD: Feb '16 D: Mar '17 Piecing: Putting the self back together was my piecing. S6
Nothing to add here but wanted to welcome you and tell you that we know how you feel.
I think you're doing really, really good so far. I'm very impressed. I hope your WH realizes what he's about to lose.
Beware that his brain is pumping out chemicals that he has little control over right now. If he's open and willing, maybe the two of you can read some of what's written about the chemical effects and addictive nature of love affairs.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
