All newbies or anybody struggling please read

[Uphill]

That is exactly what I told her sandi! And the truth be told, that is where I'm at. It's not an act at all... I'm at a place right now that I've waited for, for a long time. And when I heard those words, it made me sick to my stomach. Yes it' sounds great, but very overwhelming and no jumping for joy because it just made my head spin!

As far as the vote of confidence goes, I'm not scared to give props where props are due! All of you vets are amazing!

[sandi2]

Thanks, and I am really hoping things go the best way for your sake.

[Cherry]

Yes it truly is good to hear someone having healed in themselves either way. I guess wether the WAS comes back or not, to hear someone happy and content and living their life a year down the line line just gives hope that this pain will not last forever.

[TimR]

Great to hear you are doing well Uphill even though you are facing some tough choices. And no doubt they are going to be tough choices. JMHO WW's that come back when you start getting close to someone else are there because it is still about them. THEY are losing you to someone else. THEY don't have you on the hook anymore. THEY are not in control of you. THEY are not getting what they want (whatever that is). The question is how long do THEY stick around after they know you are back on the hook. IDK??? Maybe I am just being too cynical???? or projecting my sitch on yours. Again IDK.

For me it is the timing of it. You tell her about GF and then she suddenly has all these feelings which she could have expressed to you but chose not too.

The best advise I could give is think long and hard about it. You could be giving up something very special for more of the same heartache.

Again that is just my two cents and the advice I give is worth what you paid for it ;-)

[Uphill]

I'll explain this a little deeper for you cherry. I had gotten to the point that it just felt so hopeless, that I had no choice but to forget about ever R'ing with XF. Only then did I actually do the work for me. I thought I had been the whole time but everything I did was still in a way looking over my shoulder. That had to stop and I had to do me. Only then did I feel alive again! And that is when everything came together for me. New girl came along and compliments me awesome. We get along great. That is when I REALLY took the focus off XF and it got her thinking.

If anybody would have asked me Tuesday how my life was going, I would have replied that it's going great. Now with this curveball, I feel like I have a front row seat on the rollercoaster again. The difference is, this time I'm the one driving it. XF wants to talk more Saturday at kid swap so I'm gonna be taking notes and hopefully gaining some clarity to which way I take in life.

I put all my cards on the table last night with my new girl. She has been great about all of it and said if I want her to, she will step into the shadows while I sort this out. It was far from an easy convo to have but it had to happen. I told her word for word everything I remembered from the convo with XF. That in itself has made me feel much better with myself and this mess.

[Cherry]

Yeah I guess there's the difference this time, it's no longer you on her crazy train. You hold the cards and all the decisions this time.

I really need to get to the point that you did and truly stop looking over your shoulder and begin to do the healing.

[mvgfwd2]

Be clear on what you would need from XF before you would even consider another try with her. And be careful as you already know. It could be just the emotional response to the sudden loss of you and not any true remorse and deep longing to have you back. You were on a happy path before this episode. Stay on it.

[Uphill]

I already in that convo on Tuesday, put some "ground rules for consideration" in place. She knows what I have to see before I will make any move in her direction (if that's even the path I chose)

Sandi, if you pop in, I have a quick question for you. During this convo, the first thing she did was cry. Then make a comment about getting home to my girlfriend before I'm in trouble. I replied with what is that supposed to mean? Was I supposed to be single forever waiting for you? At that point and quite a few times through the convo, she kept saying "nevermind, it's too late. You moved on. I have nobody to blame but myself". That is the one phrase from the whole thing that sticks with me. Is that her admitting defeat? Or trying to play guilt? Or maybe even just an honest phrase? It just seems to me that there's either a hidden meaning or more to that because of the way it kept being repeated...

[sandi2]

Sandi, if you pop in, I have a quick question for you. During this convo, the first thing she did was cry. Then make a comment about getting home to my girlfriend before I'm in trouble. I replied with what is that supposed to mean? Was I supposed to be single forever waiting for you? At that point and quite a few times through the convo, she kept saying "nevermind, it's too late. You moved on. I have nobody to blame but myself". That is the one phrase from the whole thing that sticks with me. Is that her admitting defeat? Or trying to play guilt? Or maybe even just an honest phrase? It just seems to me that there's either a hidden meaning or more to that because of the way it kept being repeated...

Well, after reading this, I have to tell you that I'm not so sure she is remorseful and making some attempt to get you back. I will explain.

First, I want to point out to any of the men who read this post, about her tears. It is not a big problem for women to turn on the tears. Tears can even be used as a manipulative tool. Therefore, the show of tears do not necessarily mean what the man may translate them to be.

I do not know the tone your W used. I could take the description of what she said, and read it out loud with an angry tone..........and it changes everything.

The main thing that causes me to doubt your W's intentions, is b/c she threw into the conversation (more than once) snarly remarks about your girlfriend. And, she repeated that you've moved on. Those remarks was her trying to get you to tell her what she wanted to hear...........and, yes, to cause you guilty feelings.

When she heard you were going to date this woman, her jealousy surfaced. It is difficult for me to explain how a WW may not really want the LBH's wife......but she doesn't want another woman replacing her, either. When your W heard about your interest in this lady, she could have felt her position in your life, the home, and family.......was threatened (meaning, she could be truly losing you). So, she wanted assurance that she still had you wrapped around her finger, so to speak. In other words, this could have been a big emotional/relationship temperature check. If it was, then as soon as she feels she still has you, emotionally, she will pull away again.

I can view this conversation from the eyes of a WW........which isn't pretty. Based on your description, I can see her hoping you would jump in and tell her that you have not been able....nor will ever be able to move on without her. She wanted to hear you say that you would not date anyone and this other lady was history. When she continued saying she had no one to blame but herself, was her attemps to hook you into saying it wasn't all her fault.......and for you to comfort her. That is why she made those emotional, and rather immature, comments.

It is extremely common for the WW to test her H, to see where she stands with him. He really cannot afford to show his cards at the first sight of tears. He needs to hold them until he is satisfied she is sincere. If she had gone to you and told you how sorry she was and how wrong it was to hurt you........and ask you what it would take to reconcile the R.........then I could say it was a lot more promising.

I think you need to be very hesitant. Do not pursue your XF! If she wants to return, she needs to work her way back. One of my favorite sayings from Starsky, that seems to be a great answer to many things the wayward says is, "It's just not that simple anymore".

I doubt this is your only chance to get back your XF.......if she is sincere. And if she's not, then you need to keep moving on. Life is too short to marry someone who would treat you the way she has.

[Uphill]

Thank you for the response sandi! I'll clarify a little so you understand better how the convo went. When I pulled in to drop this stuff off, they were both out of her car. I got out and started talking to our son, played with him a little and chatted about his day. I heard her sniffle a few times and glanced out of the corner of my eye. Went about playing with the kiddo. I heard it getting louder so I used a go to bailout excuse. That is when she said about getting home to the girlfriend. If I remember correctly that is the only time she mentioned her directly. I looked at her and just asked what that was supposed to mean? I got something to the effect that it doesn't matter anymore... I said well if it's enough to make a comment about I would like to hear it. That is when she went into saying she thought things between us have been getting better and how she made hints at spending time together. From there I can't say exactly what all was said but I know at some point she said she's been battling with herself over all of this for a long time and couldn't bring herself to say anything. The whole time, I was stone faced, said very little and didn't try to hug or comfort her. Basically listened to what she was saying and nothing more. The only thing I did say that may or may not have given her anything. One of the times she mentioned that it's too late that I moved on, I responded something to the effect that I never say never. Because I never thought I would be where I'm at in life, and if I said it would have never happen I would now look like a liar. How it was left that night, Saturday is gonna be more talking.