All newbies or anybody struggling please read

[Uphill]

I'll start this post by saying this is the best place you could have ever found. Lots of caring people with tons of knowledge! Listen to the people who are trying to help!

I haven't been around for a while and quite frankly, lost track of where everybody here is in life but I hope all are well! I'll give a brief history of my sitch and let everybody know where I'm at now.my ex fiancé started a new job in December of 2014. By mid January, she was different. Secretive, phone face down, all the signs of an EA minimum. Didn't really have the time for a PA at that point and all time was accounted for. Fast forward to feb of 2015, I looked at the phone bill and confirmed there was something up. Things were rocky for a week or two but all contact stopped (away from work) and things seemed to be going great. I kept a close eye on things and landed here sometime after she dropped the bomb on me and moved out. I did EVERYTHING wrong. Beg, plead, tried to reason, gifts... Just poured my heart out any chance I had. Which was a lot due to our child care arrangements. For a few months I suspected that this "friend" from work was more but didn't have proof. Anyways, my gut feeling was right. I literally sat idle, thinking I was detached for a long long time. Nothing changed.

Now let's jump ahead to early 2016. there is much much more I could tell through 2015, but you all know the script and actions of a wayward... She was textbook. Hot/cold. Dropping breadcrumbs to keep my attention. Just had me sitting waiting as a backup plan. Sometime in January, she was melting down constantly. As she always has, even when OM was around, she called me when stressed. Eventually it came out that she hates herself for what she did and they were done because she finally saw he was using her and taking advantage of her vulnerability. The whole month of February seemed to be going I the right direction. Lots of serious talks. Lots of joking and texting throughout the day. Nothing sexual, no dates, and no sleepovers at each other's places. She quit her job (where Om worked), got rid of all the people there on social media. Just kinda tried to erase that part of her life. That all came to a screeching halt one day out of he blue. I personally think now, I was looking too eager.

Since then, everything has been pretty much status quo. No shifts in any direction. Just civil co parenting and some slightly warm slightly cold cycles. I got accustomed to all this and eventually ran across an awesome girl a bit ago. We hit it off great and started dating. Life really felt great. Like I had a place after living alone for over a year.

This past weekend, I made a huge step and invited the new girl to he movies with me and S4. Everything went well and being the bigger person, I knew it was time to let XF in on this part of my life and be honest about what is going on. I did that Monday morning. She started crying and hung up the phone on me. I heard nothing but crickets the rest of time day Monday and into Tuesday afternoon. Hen I got a call. She wanted me to meet her with a few things for out son that I knew she really didn't need but I agreed anyway. His turned into a long talk with her sobbing the whole time about how she has wanted to come home for a long time and just couldn't say it. And how now it's too late and she has nobody to blame but herself. She says she has hinted around at different things and I blew them off? To me if she did it was very subtle and by that time I was so numb to the sitch that I didn't react to it.

Now I am in a pickle. I have an awesome new girl who I get along with great. I have an ex who is the mother of my child and also a great person (if the wayward attitude is truly gone now). And wishing the next few days, I'm gonna have to make a life altering decision and hurt somebody I care about.

Sorry for rambling, but the moral of this whole post. Detach! Truly detach! It works. I'm not saying go out dating like I unfortunately did, it only complicates things. They sense the detachment and that is when they actually start regretting what they have done and second guessing their decisions. Shortly before the false start in February I was getting there. But I caved too easily and she ran back into her nest. Now I honestly thought I was over everything and really did detach (to the point that I've made this worse) and she is begging to come back. Learn from my mistakes. And live life for you. Get yourself happy on your own. They will see all this and want to be a part of your awesome life. If I would have known everything I know now, a year ago, I really think she would have been at this spot long long ago!

[Uphill]

I thought of a few things to add since my post. By detach, don't try to drag out convo's. Even as much as it seems to be about the kids or something important. They sense that you just want to keep them on the phone. No unnecessary contact. I didn't truly detach and realize it until I was preoccupied with my new interest.

As far as dating, I thought I was ready. Everything happened so easily. Then when a convo like Tuesday came around, I realized that even though I was by myself for over a year, there's no time frame on this process. I got reeled right back in even though I'm am happy with where life was going. Only you will know when it's time, and even if you feel it is, wait a bit longer...

[Cherry]

Wow. First of all congratulations on living life for yourself and getting you to a good place. But I'm sorry you're in a bit of a predicament, now I guess it's your time to clear your mind and have a good think about everything.

It is nice to hear the success of detaching. Gives me a little hope. I just fear my wh is going to file before he even thinks about things properly.

[maybs]

Wow. It's great you got to a good place on your own. And is inspiring for me as someone who is just starting to go through this.
I wish I could help you out with your predicament but like cherry said it seems like you've gotta take some time and clear your head.

Cherry. I know the thought of your WH filing without thinking is scary. That's exactly what my WW/MLCer did. And as someone pointed out to me. Marriage/divorce is just reporting your relationship to the government. And doesn't necessarily mean the end.

Stay positive

[Uphill]

Oh believe me, fear gets you nowhere. I feared every word I spoke and every move I made for over a year. It did nothing but drag me down and keep me in a funk. Now that I feel good and am having fun with life again it's turning heads. Not only XF, this new girl came to me and is a very attractive girl. We sit for about an hour a night looking at all the messages and propositions she gets through the day all over social media. But she CAME TO ME! That seems to have brought me back to my confident old self and now there are many more people mentioning that. Males and females alike comment that I just have an energy when I walk in a room. That's who I used to be and what I lost through all of this. Now that it's back, I can see good things happening but I've got a major decision to make.

XF wants to talk more Saturday at our kid swap so see what that brings and go from there?

[Uphill]

Yes may, you are fresh in this. It's a marathon not a sprint. Stick to the 37 and detach buddy, you're here soon enough that you can avoid many of the mistakes I made! I don't know your sitch but if I have time I want to try to catch up on some later today. The best advise I can give is listen to the vets here. Cadet, sandi, wonka... There are many more great people but those are 3 that really stick out. They are here to give back. Not because they have to but because they want to help people like you and me.

[RDS]

You sitch sounds like mine from way back in the day. I had a GF and although we weren't engaged, we often talked marriage. Then one day she dropped me like a hot potato and went off with another guy. I was devastated. I did everything wrong, and for awhile I was her friend, but each time she left me a crumb my heart got torn a little bit more until I finally gave up. I joined the Air Force and met my future wife.

Three days before my wedding day I got a call from my old GF and she told me she had sent me a letter and it was important I read it. I got the letter the next day and in it she was begging me back and told me she had been missing me like crazy for the last few months. She couldn't get me out of her mind and said she was stupid for leaving me. I seriously thought about breaking it off with my soon-to-be W and going back with the GF, but I knew I couldn't do that and eventually she would break my heart again and I could not imagine the thought of hurting my W. I read the letter a couple more times and threw it away. I didn't contact the old GF.

I never looked back and to this day I don't know what happened to her. I never told my W about the letter until a month after my BD (I wrote her a 19 page letter then).

It's strange, but even though it happened 32 years ago, it does give me some hope for my current sitch. I completely detached from my GF then and later she came coming back to me.

It might be a pipe dream, but it's a dream I'm still holding out hope for.

[vise82]

Hey,

I think this thread was for me. Or it could have been written for me.

I needed to read this. I am doing it right and I need to continue on my path. NO R talks. No asking where her head is at.

Good to hear from you Uphill.

[sandi2]

She didn't really want to go home until she thought another might replace her. My advice is to play this cool. If you tell her you will not date this other girl, I can nearly guarantee that your XF will pull back again. Do not show excitement or eagerness. Tell her you aren't sure about trying again with her.

If she is remorseful, and if she really wants you back.......she should be willing to attend couples counseling, and any transparency you need from her. I would advise you not move in together, until you have attended C and dated each other for a while. The R needs to strengthen emotionally, before living together.

P.S. Thanks for the vote of confidence.

[cheesyt]

wow what a story! gives us newbs hope!