Stages of grief

[annab74]

Hi Painter...just wanted to check in on you. Did you get your things?

It might feel like you are treading the same path over and over instead of healing, but you really aren't. I have likened the experience to being like the earth after a long winter. You can’t see the seeds hidden underneath the dirt during the dark months of winter. And yet slowly, imperceptibly, growth happens. Then one unexpected day you wake up to a landscape dotted with color where so recently it had been only barren. Trust the process.

[Painter]

Phoebe, thanks for checking in! Yes, start your new thread so we can hear what you're up to and I can post.

AnnaB, thank you. This is just what I needed to hear right now.

It's been a frustrating and sad and exhausted week, but today was great! Having my things shipped was hard. They'll get here in a little over a week. I've been struggling this week with a class that I didn't feel I did very well in at all - to where I was thinking about dropping out because I felt my confidence level was already so low I didn't need this.

Today, I forced myself to go and had great success. I am so happy I pushed through.

In addition, a very attractive man 10+ years my junior told me while holding my hand in both of his that my husband was FOOL - he said it twice, emphatically.
Then he said I would bounce back and get down on my feet, he could tell I already was.
It didn't hurt to hear that. Feeling sort of invincible.

Then a new friend textured and wanted to get together for dinner, so we meet up and chatted for a couple of hours. I came home and another friend called. Seems like it's first or famine! Ready for bed... last day of class tomorrow.

[annab74]

That is awesome! He is so right...H *is* a fool. And a little attention from an attractive guy never hurt anybody's ego. Go Painter...you got this!!!

[Painter]

I've kept very busy lately - the weekend was spent with girlfriends (all Saturday) and work (all Sunday), and on Monday morning, Son & I took off for a short vacation. We're spending a few days in a lovely scenic bay community to celebrate his birthday (a big one). There's tons to do and see, and we've spent all day out sightseeing and are just taking a break before dinner.

I'm struggling, though. It's a big day that we are not celebrating as a family. His stepsister was supposed to come visit for this, but WH's actions in relation to introducing OW has caused a rift in the family. We haven't heard from her for months.

It's my first vacation without H since we got M 15 years ago. It feels completely unnatural. I want to send him pictures and share things I see that have special meaning for us. Things he would be interested in. I know this is what we all experience and it will eventually become my new reality, but right now it just feels so wrong and unreal. Like a game of pretend. I keep waiting for someone to yell 'cut' and for life to return to normal.

I'm hiding this from my son so just wanted to share with people I know will understand.

[annab74]

Painter, I totally understand. Family outings were one of the most difficult things for me too. I can't tell you how many times I took the kids somewhere and then cried silently behind my sunglasses the whole drive home hoping they wouldn't notice. It's hard. You build your whole life around someone and when they aren't there anymore, they leave a gigantic hole that nothing seems to fill.

It takes time to feel complete again on your own, but it will happen. When I think about H now, I feel sorry for him instead of sorry for us. He's the one missing out, and I am here treasuring every shared moment. You'll get there.

[Phoebe]

Hi, Painter. I can completely relate to how wrong it feels to not be able to share all the little things we see and get excited about every day. I keep having the same feeling.

I've never had a vacation without WH as an adult, and I can only imagine how hard it must be for you. The one good thing is that there will never again be another "first vacation without WH" again. You are building a new normal for yourself, and building new memories with your family. I am very sorry to hear that there is a rift between you and your step-daughter. That is very sad, and I hope that it heals over time.

Be well, Lovely Lady, and I hope that you enjoy the rest of your vacation.

((((((((((Painter))))))))))

[Painter]

Thanks, gals! We came back last night and it was a lovely last day. We went to an amazing beach and it's impossible to be sad while listening to splashing waves and running with the dog in 80 degree water as clear as glass.

Today I saw the IC and shared the last couple of weeks' mood rollercoaster with her. She said it's important that I pamper myself - find those things that quiet my mind or banish the grief and make time for them. She suggested a couple of local places I may find the same peace that I did by the beach.

Work is absorbing, but also challenging because I have trouble concentrating, so she said to not be too hard on myself even if I have to print out the same letter 3 times because of mistakes.

We talked a little about how I very quickly connected with a few people (including men) in social settings lately and had brief, but very meaningful conversations, and that I should remember that when I feel low and lonely.

I haven't just been sad, I've also been very angry. Thinking about what WH has done... it's mind-boggling.

Oh, last Sunday I found a church that I think I like. The first one I visited here wasn't really a good fit, but I think this one is. I was invited to join the choir, and I think I will love to sing again.

So - trudging on.

[Cherry]

Painter, you're doing great given the circumstances. And it's great that you got away with your child. Focusing on them helps with the pain I find. They are young, vulnerable. And they need us more than anyone to be the sane, constant, loving person in their life. We're their lighthouse too.

I know the feeling with concentration, I work for a major company in legal- so attention to detail is key. I have to read, re read and read things again. And right things down, I seem to forget things quickly, or maybe that's the baby brain!

The younger man giving you an ego boost is always nice. Accept the compliment. Wh IS a fool!!

[Phoebe]

Hi Painter. I'm very glad to hear the brighter notes in your latest post.

I thought that I was further along than I apparently am, but the road goes ever on and on, right? Forward!!!

Glad you got some good thoughts on coping from your IC. My commented on how good I seemed just last week, and he's out of town for this coming week, so maybe I'll be back to that even keel by the time I see him again. Meanwhile, time to put on my life-preserver and keep my head above water again.

How are you sleeping these days? And how is your appetite?

(((((Painter)))))

[Painter]

Cherry, my son is actually 6'2" ... and just turned 30. So he's more of a support to me right now than I am to him. He's been wonderful to me and takes care of me in such a caring and loving way.

I can imagine it must be challenging at work with what you do. I don't know if I could work in a hot dog booth right now and get the order right!

Phoebe, it seems setbacks is a part of the deal. But how could you avoid it with WH showing up like that?

I'm sleeping for the most part well when I take my pill, although I can still some nights wake up at 3:30 from disturbing dreams. That's when H gets up on work days (he's in a different time zone). Unfortunately, I have a certain 'energetic' connection with people I am close to that is usually just amusing and sometimes amazing, but in this case just difficult.

I'm eating okay. I have a tendency to not know that I am hungry but just get sleepy and weird feeling, so I have to eat by the clock more than by appetite. I could probably go an entire day without eating if my blood sugar would stay stable. I try to eat healthy and not too much because I still would like to lose a little weight (just 5-10 pounds). Unfortunately, Son and I both have a sweet tooth so we sabotage each other.

How are you doing with the eating and sleeping?