A WW?

[AndrewP]

lt0402 - you can be proud of the hard work you've been putting in both for yourself and to preserve your family.

I don't know about your WW but the main reason that mine gave for moving out last week was that there was too much "noise" around her from her friends, family, work, OM, volunteering and from me. She said she was unable to figure out where she wanted to be with that all around her. I have no idea if she has found that peace of if it's just an opportunity to do what she wants.

[lt0402]

lt0402 - you can be proud of the hard work you've been putting in both for yourself and to preserve your family.

Thanks AP. Hoping the hard work pays off, but if it doesn't then at least I can look D in the eyes and tell her that I tried my damndest to save our family. As a man, at least I'll know that I did everything I could.

Unsure on your situation w/ the W moving out recently. Was really disturbed by the ransacking of your place, but you are doing a good job handling it all. Much better than I would have might I add! I'm finding that my W seems to take whatever path is the easiest as of late. It may very well be that she thought it would be easier to handle the situation by being away from you.

To me it seems like a perfect opportunity for you to go NC and remove her safety blanket. Take that with a grain of salt bc I'm by no means close to anything like that in my situation, but seems like a chance to make her miss you.

Some rocky times as of late in both of our situations, but we've got to just keep grinding forward. Keep your head up AP!

[AndrewP]

Keep your head up AP!

A phrase I used to use early on when my self confidence was even worse that it is now was "Chest Out - Balls Down!"

The "ransacking" wasn't actually too bad in hind-sight. It's just stuff. Even though it's a "violation" of DB principals she is very aware that I still love her deeply and that I have made massive efforts to try to treat her with honesty and dignity and let her know that she could depend on me in both words and actions (that being the main non DB/LRT part). I think she worked hard on leaving me the stuff she thought I actually use in an effort to do the same. Her texts to me that night certainly indicated that.

The NC is harder than I thought it would be. I've been reaching out to my SIL support team instead though and they've been fantastic as have the people on this forum such as yourself. I don't know if the extreme "going dark" would have made any positive difference while we both shared a roof or not.

I don't think my W had any "easy" paths left to her anymore which is perhaps what pushed her out. But that's mind-reading and I'm trying to stop doing that. Perhaps one of the vets can chime in on this but it seems to me that the biggest problem with a cake-eating spouse is that no decision seems to be their path until it either becomes intolerable or they get pushed or pulled in another direction. You having D at home may be one of the things that is tying her to the home as well. I'm not sure what happened in my sitch and it probably doesn't actually matter what the trigger was. While it hurts that she's gone, it hurts different than when she was there and I find a lot of solace that at least some motion towards a finish line is being made by her.

[lt0402]

End of a long day today. Surprisingly more so bc of work and not bc of situation. First time in awhile that's happened. Was actually like a break having work issues to worry about.

Went to the gym before and after work. Exercise continues to help a lot. Came home from gym to my W, my D, and one of Ds friends who is over for a sleepover. Much different mood in the house. W was still being her new self, but did it quietly on the couch and wasn't confrontational. I showered and took the opportunity to grill some chicken for dinner for the rest of the week. Hot as hades outside, but it was very relaxing. Think I sweated off a couple pounds as well! Sat down and ate at our kitchen table while W sat 15 ft away on the couch messing with her iPhone. Still no direct conversation. Did notice at one point she just sat there staring off into space for a handful of minutes. I don't really get her anymore. Wondering if I ever did.

It hit me today that W always complained she never slept bc I snored so loud. I got a mouth guard to fix this but she still complained about it. I'm noticing that she's still sleeping like crap, even though I'm out of mbr. Just a small thing and not really sure why it crossed my mind. But guessing it wasn't fully my snoring the past few years.

Asked W today if she had plans Thursday. Told her if not then I was going to be home after D goes to bed. No answer to my text. Going ahead and setting my plans for that evening then. Dinner and a couple beers with a friend I haven't seen in 6 months. Really looking forward to it.

Outside of that, not a lot to report. Gym in the am tomorrow, tennis lesson after work, and another day of working on D and me. Looking forward to it!

[lt0402]

IC this am. Spent a lot of time on how the S is weighing on our D even though we haven't told her yet. Mentioned the conversation around melting in the parking lot from Sunday that I had with D and IC says it definitely sounds like she's picking up on the negative vibes around W and I.

Talked about our upcoming family beach trip in 1.5 weeks too, as well as the back and forth on text msg between W and I w/ regards to planning the trip down there. IC thinks W doesn't really want to go on the trip, but is doing it to avoid the guilt of being a bad mom.

IC still thinks that wife has a massive amount of ambivalence, but at this point she's firmly planted her feet in the ground on the "leave" side of things. IC said she's trying her hardest not to show me the "stay and fix" side of things. IC and I both agree it's probably a longshot that the situation gets fixed, but we both also agree it's worthwhile to keep trying.

I've been putting it off but I'm realizing I need to consult a L to know what the realistic options are in case of a D. At least that way i'll have them in front of me and can plan for them as needed. W has a rosy view of things in the future, but I'm taking a more realistic view of the added expenses, timeshare of my D, and overall living situation. Trying to be rational in an irrational situation.

My goal is to get a consult on with at least 2 Ls prior to us leaving for the beach next weekend. Then I can spend some of the evenings there putting together options for us if it comes to it. Not to share, but at least so I have some definition of things.

Fun times!

[lt0402]

Tennis lesson tonight. I think one more then I'll take D out to hit around. Instructor said D is doing awesome and that her lesson Monday was her best yet. Awesome!

Got home and hung out with D for an hour before bed. Watched a few minecraft videos and joked around. Not as lively as I'd like to be but I'm absolutely wiped out today. Sleep is still up and down and I find the gym wipes me out after multiple days. Early bedtime tonight to re-energize. Wife did iPhone on the other couch.

W took a shower then came out in a towel to see if D needed anything. I knew she was in the towel so I didn't look up from what D and I were doing. W then asked me if I could stop leaving my gym bag on the floor beside the guest room door. Looked up and replied "got it" and went back to hanging out with D. No real interaction after that with W except some joking around bt us and D. The towel thing seemed unnecessary but I definitely noticed. I guess at least she may be doing something to get some attention. Who knows.

Focus continues to be on D and me and W is secondary. D and I have a date at the park tomorrow night to hunt Pokemon and fireflies. Looking forward to that. Dinner and beers on Thursday evening. That'll be fun. I may try to schedule something Saturday evening too but we will see.

Tomorrows business is finding consultations with 2 Ls. Not looking forward to those, but who knows, should be enlightening at least. Thanks all for the help and support as always!

[AndrewP]

Tomorrows business is finding consultations with 2 Ls. Not looking forward to those, but who knows, should be enlightening at least. Thanks all for the help and support as always!

lt0402 - sounds like you are doing great bonding with D. Your GAL activities are pretty extreme compared to mine but most people here think that I'm pretty bad at that Keep working on not mind-reading W. It's tough as I well know especially when you're wrong which I was most of the time.

Knowledge is power. I know that for me having visited with a L and knowing how the separation and D processes worked gave me huge confidence when W pulled the trigger on moving out and announced that she was going to see a L herself for real this time. I was able to be as calm and confident as I was because I already knew that road having studied the map quite closely. What also helped was that when I went in to see the L that I had already decided on what I wanted for the end-game if it came to a D and was able to focus the discussion on that and how we would get there rather than the form filling. I saw no reason to pay that hourly rate to do clerical work. My L also was fine with my thoughts around stalling tactics to give W a chance to back out - more billable hours for her.

Good luck!

[lt0402]

Thanks AP. I'm definitely working on the GAL stuff. Feels weird at first but finding getting out of the situation for a few hours is awesome. It's very tough to not mind read W and I'm fighting with that right now as you'll see below.

Normal busy day at work today. NC all day with W on text or email. Seems like we go 2-3 days at a time without anything during the day. Still just D and house/finances stuff when we do talk.

Came home early to take D Pokemon hunting in the park, but a storm killed those plans. When I got home though, I noticed that there were 2 books I ordered on Amazon sitting on my counter, having been unpacked from a box. One was a book about better bonding between fathers and daughters and the other was a marriage book by gottman that others speak highly of around here.

Usually most of the Amazon stuff comes in Ws name, but I started using a new account in my name to have it come to me. I definitely ordered it addressed to me and I verified before speaking with wife. Waited until D was out of earshot and said "could you please not open packages that come for me". W responded with "I'm sorry, I tried not to, but it didn't have a name on it." Then she lobbed in that she is so used to getting all the packages that she can't guarantee she won't open one of mine but she will try. Unsure why she'd lie to me about the package not having my name on it but whatever.

So, addressed that with her, but it's weighing on my brain a little bit. W was the happiest she's been in weeks during our "family" time tonight. A much different vibe out of her. Wondering if the M book could have been the cause of it. Also, if it is, my gut tells me that's not a good thing bc she thinks she has some hooks in me still. Can't tell if I'm turning into a pessimist or a realist. Let's go with realist!

Of course it could be a multitude of things going on in her new world, but the mood was definitely changed. Done trying to mind read now...I don't think I need to address that the marriage book is not for her, but for me to fix my issues. Thoughts?

D and I built a pillow fort downstairs while it stormed and played in there for a couple hours. A lot of fun. While we were doing that, I put in a load of my laundry. A little while later W got mad bc I used the washing machine detergent tray, which she'd apparently taken out to clean. Went into a conversation around "I get that you want to do stuff now around here, but you can't just come in and do it your way after 7-8 years". I asked if we could talk about it later and not in front of D and she said no and finished by saying that I need to ask before doing that type of stuff (i.e. Grabbing the detergent tray from the spot she'd set it to dry after cleaning it).

Fair enough. Not a fan of her approach to address it but I think she has some credence to her argument. Told her I got the message and then went back to some energetic pillow fort battles. trying to keep a level head.

AP, to your other thoughts around the L. Thank you for them. They were helpful in pushing me to reach out to 5 of them today via email and phone to determine which couple of them I'd like to consult with. Waiting for some responses back but at least the ball is rolling. Sounds like it'll be $150-$200 for a 1 hour consultation with the first 2 I heard back from. Is that similar to what y'all have seen?

Also, started researching how alimony in Virginia works (the duration and formula for it) as well as child support. Still need to research child custody bc I think that's where the biggest discrepancy bt my Ws view of the future and mine is. That'll be the pain point if/when we progress that far.

These are the details that I couldn't have handled a couple weeks ago. Need to have the facts though so I can start to frame the future. I don't think W realizes just how different her view of the future is vs what it will actually be. Probably cross that bridge after we get back from the beach in 3 weeks. Going to arm myself with a healthy dose of reality so I can handle some of the mess when it happens.

Also, IC and I talked about leveraging a collaborative attorney since W and I are seeing eye to eye on 75% of things. Anyone have experience with that process that wouldn't mind sharing some thoughts?

Thanks as always to each of you! Up early to wait for AC repair guy to fix our AC in this heat. Then to work around noon. Then GAL tomorrow night with a friend. Busy day tomorrow!

[lt0402]

Breakfast with D this morning. Ate on couch and watched mega shark vs killer octopus, or something crazy like that! W got ready and just left to take D to camp for the day.

Sitting here waiting on the AC repair guy to show up in his 8-12 window of time. Curious if W will find things to do until Ds camp is done at 1 or if she'll come back here. Been awhile since its been just the two of us in the house. I'd assume it's more of the same coldness and ignoring though. Am ready for it and won't let it change anything I'm doing.

Going to follow back up with Ls today after I get back to work. Would like to see at least one by tomorrow. Other than that, did the gym this am and have GAL out tonight. Going to be a good and possibly interesting day!

[lt0402]

AC completely fixed now. Perfect summer to be without it for a little while...

W dropped D off at camp then came home 30 minutes after. No real interaction, other than when we talked to AC guys. She went for a run, a long shower, and then left to go get D. I focused on stuff I needed to get done for work this AM and so our paths didn't really cross. Not really unexpected.

The coldness continues to be a drain, but what can you do. Focus on D and myself. GAL tonight and pokemon at the park w/ D tomorrow. Finally getting around to calling the Ls who haven't reached back out to me. Will just keep on grinding!