Just a thought...if I detach more each time she backslides, isn't that just being reactionary? Being consistent would be continuing to be engaged with the R, but when she doesn't want to work on the R I should be DBing. Its interesting that she makes accusations of playing mind games. I guess we all live in Bizarro world with these waywards.
Your W wants an open M, and you don't want an open M. She has already told you she is not going to end her male contacts. She has made it very obvious she is not interested in having another one of your "talks".........and we have told you that talks, at this point, do not work. So, why do you insist doing What doesn't work?
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Friday night she says she would like to sleep in our bed and be close, but not have sex as that is moving too fast
Can you not see that she is eating cake? IMHO, this was the time you could have stated a boundary.
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I've been helping out cleaning and taking care of the kids. I had just washed dishes Saturday night which she thanked me for. Lastnight she threw a tantrum over dishes and house work not being done. She stormed out of the house and stayed out for a short time. She could have asked for help, but she decided to make it into a bigger issue.
And how did you address her bad behavior of acting like a spoiled bratt? Let me guess......the same way you addressed her plopping back into the marital bed.
You may think all of that was funny, but I don't. She clearly runs the show around your place. Forget having more talks with her and start doing something that is effective.........like having boundaries.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Yes I see that now. No more talks and back to work!
Damn. I didn't even see that as an opportunity to set a boundary. I viewed it as a an olive branch when she is just cake eating. I'll keep an eye out for this!
I started to clean up and fall into the same old patterns of catering to her tantrums. But I stopped myself. But then again yes, I went to her to talk about it...I should have left it until she came to me. I've got work to do. She disrupted my DB progress by getting "back together" with me. I'm really pissed off about it despite my light posts. I don't think it is funny, I just use humor to mask the frustration when posting and talking to other people about it. I deal with the pain more on my own, which I am working on as well. I am making boundaries my new goal. I have set some basic ones with her already like privacy and not asking me about my phone anymore. But I wIll decide on some bigger ones to put in place that I have neglected to do.
Yes I have read cadets link, and just reread it now. The consequences is the hard part. I have been advised not to leave the MBR and not to separate myself. So I am trying to think of something else, like not watching the kids anymore? That seems like punishing the kids and myself more than a consequence for her. Limiting contact even further would be easy if we were separated, but in the same house? Any suggestions? If it gets really bad, obviously I'm going to leave. But I think her knowing that may cause her to intentionally cross those boundaries to get what she wants.
Get a spray bottle and fill it with cold water. Spray her in the face when she crosses your boundaries.
Rofl! I needed that laugh, thanks!
I can depend on Doodler to give me at least one good laugh a day.
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I started to clean up and fall into the same old patterns of catering to her tantrums.
I would say to start with the catering to her tantrums. I hate to say it, and don't tell the other women I said so.......but, a lot of wives have done things like this for a long, long time. Of course, there are a few of us that never do. We use other methods. (JK)
Anywho......your W acts like a spoiled child who doesn't get what she wants and throws herself down on floor, screaming & kicking. Don't you hate seeing kids act this way in public? I want to walk over and tell the parent what to do to permanently stop the fit throwing.
You need to know how to stop your W from throwing fits. And, just as with spoiled kids, you don't get her to do it by catering to her. First of all, you have to let them see who is in charge. As long as the fits work, they are the one in charge! Of course, you can't spank a grown woman (although, we did have a H who reported that he spanked his WW......, I wouldn't recommend it).
I would start by ignoring her and going about my business, GAL, or play with the kids, get in the car and take a long drive......do anything but give her the attention (or her way) the trantrom intended to receive. Do not try to comfort her, and don't validate. She should not be rewarded in any way for that type of behavior. Do not behave as if you are her employee.
WW's want the best of both worlds.....the one with family, and the one that is pure fantasy. My advice is to stop giving her the guy who has played Mr. Nice Guy. You know, the one she wipes her feet on?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
She came and wanted to talk last night. So we talked for a while. The whole time she was trying to blame me for everything, stormed out multiple times, sobbed within earshot multiple times expecting the usual comfort. But I stayed strong. She then spewed at me and did everything she could think of to test me. I talked with a very firm voice without yelling or anything and put her in her place as far as her recent behavior. She still stuck to her guns for a bit, but then surprisingly brought up MC herself! She had been talking to a friend of ours that seems I be getting through to her. I didn't not jump anxiously at this suggestion, I just said I would have to think about it. Today she calls me for some non R issues we had to talk about, but when we were done she said she would like to spend some time with me tonight. I told her that I don't know, that it didn't make sense to hang out at this point. Shecsaid she's doing the best she can, whatever that means. She had such a sweet voice when talking to me today. It feels like she's trying to nice me into cake eating.
