I used to feel the same way Forest. I used to feel like this was all a big nightmare and that one day I would wake up and have my loving W next to me, holding me like she used to. I did wake up, however instead of my loving W, I saw a spiteful B. I also saw a weak, meek almost unrecognizable version of me and realized that I was focusing way too much on my W and not enough on me. I wish I had woken up a year ago when I was 2 mobths in, things would be so different, I would be in a better place, heck we might even have reconciled. I was a hard head and was letting my emotions dictate my actions. Focus on you Forest, everything else will fall into place. I no longer wake up thinking about my W. I'm doing a better job at letting her go. This will get better, I promise you.
I wish I had woken up a year ago when I was 2 mobths in
I know DB says no pleading or reasoning w/ your spouse, but ... this morning my W engaged me in a chat about how psychological problems run in her family and how she's a bit of an exception, and I found myself blurting a thought I've had for a while now: that she has a big hole in her life, a dissatisfaction, and that she might fill that hole temporarily by finding some new exciting way of life (i.e., I was thinking, divorce and find a new guy -- but I didn't say that), but that the hole is always going to come back after the initial excitement wears off. She fell silent, and I didn't elaborate further.
It didn't feel like a mistake to say it, because I didn't say it in a pleading tone, and I didn't drone on. I just said it more matter-of-factly, and moved on. It felt to me more like I'm just staking out my position, rather than pleading, but I can't deny that I hope it has some effect on her. My thought is that it's OK to plant a troubling thought once in a while that subverts the WAS's fantasy world.
Am I wrong?
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
ForGump -- Seems ok to me. Hopefully it WILL plant that seed.
I am again struck by how similar our sitches are in a lot of ways. My wife has as long as I've known her had a simmering ennui (or, as you put it, a hole) about her, where she devalues what she has, where she is in her life, her current relationships, etc. because they don't live up to her idealized, imagined future versions. I for a very long time avoided being the subject of her dissatisfaction until, one day, I didn't. And I haven't figured out how to plant a seed or get her to slow down and reconsider her (apparently chosen) path. So maybe I'm reading too much of my sitch onto yours and wanting to think that what you said is the right path. But man, if I could get the opportunity to say something like that, I think I'd take it. Which could be completely wrong, because I don't think I'm fully fluent in DB at this stage by a long shot.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
My IC thought it was a mistake. She thought I was subconsciously baited to yet again play a parental role in the relationship. I don't think I agree w/ my IC on that. At least not for now.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
That's above my paygrade, for sure. Just highlights how hard to impossible this all is. Hang in there, Man.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
I think the mantra we keep hearing about how we can't change our wives is so true, and worth meditating on. It's very tempting to want to plant thoughts and ideas in her head, but it's a dangerous game.
I think my W has deep-seated issues stemming from her biology and upbringing that makes her ennui boil ...
Mine's not in therapy and is not particularly interested in changing ...
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
Mine was briefly in therapy a couple of years ago, right before she told me she wasn't attracted to me. I think it wasn't so much about any of her own issues, but a bitch fest about me, followed by encouragement from the therapist to tell me how she felt because it would be best for her to start the path to where we are now.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
JRuss, an important difference between your W & mine: once she decided on a D, she avoided all physical contact, like I was diseased. Not sure which is worse though -- would on-going contact just make me feel worse? Does her need to avoid contact mean it's too painful for her too? On an animal level, that's one of the hardest things to let go, to let go of the body that I have always been so drawn to, attached to. I play in my head memories of our intimate moments, every part of her body -- I can remember it all.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
ForGump -- I think no contact would be much harder, and I really feel for you. Yes, it messes with your mind when physical things happen, and, yes, it makes detaching very difficult, but I still think of myself as fortunate, for sure. Ultimately I conclude that it can't really be completely meaningless for her, and so I have some hope. Not an expectation, and not a lot of hope, but, still, a little hope, and that helps. Except on days when it doesn't. Hang in here, Man.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
