Detachment is a funny thing. Most people on this forum seem to think of it as something that's explicit; something that you make happen by actively detaching. I read statements like "I'm detaching" or "I need to work on detaching." In my opinion, detachment isn't something that you actively seek, it's the end result of moving on with your life and working on improving yourself.
I think too many of us spin our wheels trying to actively detach when that energy is better spent on doing things that make us happy and help us build a new life (we call that GAL). Detachment is the end result of our personal growth, it's not a goal in and of itself.
I think most of us would probably benefit from forgetting about detachment and focus in fun and fulfillment. Detaching will take care of itself.
As usual, that's just my opinion; I could be wrong.
Detachment is a funny thing. Most people on this forum seem to think of it as something that's explicit; something that you make happen by actively detaching. I read statements like "I'm detaching" or "I need to work on detaching." In my opinion, detachment isn't something that you actively seek, it's the end result of moving on with your life and working on improving yourself.
I think too many of us spin our wheels trying to actively detach when that energy is better spent on doing things that make us happy and help us build a new life (we call that GAL). Detachment is the end result of our personal growth, it's not a goal in and of itself.
I think most of us would probably benefit from forgetting about detachment and focus in fun and fulfillment. Detaching will take care of itself.
As usual, that's just my opinion; I could be wrong.
In some ways I agree. But I think it's more of a learned behavior than an end result. I think you can do a lot of fun and fulfillment, but then still be attached in many ways. I believe that the things you describe are essential parts of becoming detached, but I do think there is a little more to it.
There are little steps you can set for yourself to work on becoming more detached. For example, it might be difficult to say "I wont send my spouse a 'good morning' text ever again." But it's a lot easier to say I wont send one today. And as long as you can say that a few days in a row, after a couple of weeks, you wont have the urge to send one. Setting a goal like this, to me, is "working on becoming detached".
With that said, there needs to be something in your life to fill that void. You cant just empty your life and expect to be OK without filling it with something else. Thats where I think your fun and fulfillment comes in.
I agree with you doodler, feeling better about myself and doing things for me to meet new people, get out with friends etc, can give the freedom to realize you can be just fine on our own if necessary.
Learning about myself has also given me the light to see what I always felt was missing in my relationship. I always knew there were things missing but didn't understand why that effects so much other stuff. I needed the space to be able to do that, to really be able to focus on me without trying to fix someone else or the situation. Whether W does the same is an unknown position right now, doesn't mean I stop and wait for her to catch up.
I read something else by Coach one time and he said it's important to get ahead of them. They had a head start and, as you said, we spin our wheels trying to figure it out but we need to get moving for ourselves. Then I think the detachment comes naturally.
Darknes is a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma. He has given us all wise advice. I know when I first joined he really helped me out. Funny thing, I haven't been around these forums the past few weeks like I was when this all started and I can feel myself losing ground. He's like our own personal Silent Bob, he doesn't talk much, but when he does, it's impactful.
Why does it feel like we're eulogizing Darknes?
M:36 W:31 D:12 M: 8/9/10 ILYBNILWY/"want space": 2/14-ish/16 W moved out 5/24/16.
Thought I'd jump in as I barely speak on other people's threads and think I need to start
I used to chase detachment and think it was something I could control but I couldn't be more wrong. The more I used to craze it the more frustrated I'd get by not achieving it.
It was only when I truly saw my WW actions and realised that I didn't want a relationship with the version of my W that I started to let go. I've just had my first really happy weekend since this all started and I'm looking forward to many more.
I don't post much but the last few posts relate a lot to what I have seen in the last 6 months when my W walked out.
I agree a lot with Doodler, I believe that detaching from something you care so much about is an almost impossible task and even if you think you are detaching it is more then likely an illusion that just makes you feel that way. This is just my opinion.
However in the last 3 days since my W told me she is seeing someone I feel absoloutely no desire to contact her in anyway. There is some anger but mostly I look at everything objectively and try not to let my heart take control of what I do. If my W can see someone else while we are still married and only separated 6 months, she doesn't love me and she doesn't value marriage the same way I do. These are simple facts but undeniable.
So for me now until she comes to me and says I made a huge mistake I was confused I really want to work on or marriage, (and this is probably less then a 1% chance) I am moving on with my own life without her. It does not mean I will be cold, or angry and vindictive it just means for now she made her choice and she is going to have to live with it just like I am.
Sorry for the ramble and I'm not trying to hi-jack just me spewing out the things I have been thinking.
ME- 31 W-25 T-5 M-3 D2 ILYBNILWY and moved out - FEB16 W seeing someone else - JUL16
As Ive mentioned before, I am divorced for some time and have a new partner. A couple weeks back, my new partner (who knows of this site and my activity here) asked me an interesting question:
"Do you use the strategies or tactics that you talk about on this site on me?"
My answer was like this.
Yes and no. The way I see the information from this site is that there are really two steps. For example, when you are digging a hole, first you need to stop digging, and then you can climb out. The methods on here related to stopping to dig (such as the 37 rules, going dark, acting as if, etc) arent really applicable in a good relationship. On the other hand, the items related to climbing out of the hole (goal setting, validating, listening, communicating, love languages, etc) are valid regardless of whether you are trying to maintain or repair a relationship. These are valuable life and relationship skills regardless of the relationship status. I said, Im working regularly to incorporate those into my life and our relationship regardless of my activity on this site.
So I thank you to all who have taught and continue to teach me many life lessons on how to be a part of a successful relationship.
So I thank you to all who have taught and continue to teach me many life lessons on how to be a part of a successful relationship.
In order to save your marriage you must be able to have a good relationship and be able to build that from the ground up. Learning about pursuit and distance, needs, love languages, detachment, boundaries, trust are all basic tools that you can learn here.
As long as both partners are ALL IN and trying to build their relationship, I see nothing wrong with what gets posted here.
