Here is the text I sent to W this morning. It seems like good boundary setting to me except perhaps the last sentence. I feel though that she needs to know that I still love her despite setting these boundaries. I need to make future communications less "lovey".
Today is her payday and she had been talking about depositing her pay into the joint account while I would prefer that she just split away. Her comments were that she needed to continue to pay "her" part of the mortgage to have a claim on the house (which is incorrect and if my L is any good if we get that far - irrelevant)
Quote:
It's not romantic so I don't have a handwritten note. We will soon need to set some ground rules for the physical separation.
If you choose to deposit your pay into your personal account today that is fine. That might make your life less complex. Don't worry right now about "paying your share". I'll figure things out for now if you do that. I'll keep your access to [cloud book-keeping service] open too until you transition to complete independence.
We also will need to agree on how / when you can access the house. I don't want to call to report a burglary when it was you. I won't throw stuff you leave behind out but may tidy it up. I will not block your access to family resources but expect you to be prudent and transparent as I will be too.
If there are any conditions you want please let me know. Please know that you can always trust me and that I will be true to you. I just want you to be happy and hope you will be.
All my love.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
First it made me feel confident that I was in control of the situation.
So youre in control? I dont really think so. Yes, you certainly have the power to file for divorce. But how does having filled out forms that you arent going to submit show any semblance of being in control? It sounds like you were hoping the guilt of seeing these filled in and the potential for actually being divorced might have some impact on her. But by filling them out and not submitting them, it shows that you dont believe the affair is something to divorce her over. Im absolutely not saying that it is - but I dont see how showing her these papers gives you any amount of control.
I will say that reviewing them and understanding them and perhaps going through the exercise of filling them out likely gave yopu a good knowledge base to have this discussion. But to me, this is like playing poker where you are open handed - you showed all of your cards and now she knows you are bluffing.
Originally Posted By: AndrewP
Secondly it was a significant wake-up to WW that this was now very real and that I was very willing and in fact insisting that she needed to decide either reconcile or divorce - no dragged out separation while my own reputation continues to be tarnished in the community.
Shes going to live by herself (well, probably not, but at least the apartment is in her name -Who knows if shell ever stay there.) while actively having an affair. So shes clearly not choosing to reconcile. So now are you prepared to file for divorce? If I understand it, no, you arent. So then I dont think those are the only two options. Like I said, you already showed her that youre bluffing.
Originally Posted By: AndrewP
Now comes yet another very hard part. Dropping the rope and letting her go. I need to do a few things consistently: - stop following her posts on Facebook - stop shopping at her store - stop initiating any contact except for necessary household / finance issues - ramp up the GAL by spending more time with my extended family and by taking charge of the clutter around the house. This weekend's task is emptying any food items from the prior millennia from the freezers and cupboards.
Yes, I agree it is time to GAL. Id continue to recommend that you look for healthy outlets outside of your family. Nothing is better for you than making NEW friends that know nothing of your situation. You wont be tempted to dwell on it and it is incredible for your confidence. You saw you spent a GAL-weekend with your family and discussed your situation at length. You need some "W-free GAL".
Originally Posted By: AndrewP
On the advice of my L we will still have joint finances and she has free access to the marital home (can't legally stop her). I've left her connected to me via social media etc so she can lurk on me if she wants - and she's shown that she consistently does and I hope she sees that I'm doing just fine without her.
Finally, you have got to quit with the mind reading. Who cares if she lurks on your FB? Who cares why shes doing it if she does? Theres just NO WAY TO KNOW the reasons she does any of these things. So it's a waste of time to dwell on them.
Im sorry any of my posts come across as being hard on you. I know these times are extremely tough and we are all doing the best we can. I want you to succeed. I want for you to meet all of your goals. I really do want what is best for you. I write because I see so much of who I was in you and I know how hard this all is. It's a matter of completely reprogramming your brain to live without the one person you trusted more than anyone.
With that said:
Originally Posted By: AndrewP
It's not romantic so I don't have a handwritten note. We will soon need to set some ground rules for the physical separation.
If you choose to deposit your pay into your personal account today that is fine. That might make your life less complex. Don't worry right now about "paying your share". I'll figure things out for now if you do that. I'll keep your access to [cloud book-keeping service] open too until you transition to complete independence.
We also will need to agree on how / when you can access the house. I don't want to call to report a burglary when it was you. I won't throw stuff you leave behind out but may tidy it up. I will not block your access to family resources but expect you to be prudent and transparent as I will be too.
If there are any conditions you want please let me know. Please know that you can always trust me and that I will be true to you. I just want you to be happy and hope you will be.
All my love.
There is not a single boundary in this message. To paraphrase: "I dont need any of your money right now; I'll figure things out. Im leaving the house open to you, just let me know if you come by. If you make a mess, Ill clean it up. **Lovey stuff**"
Where is the boundary?
And seriously, what is all of this love crap? Every time you say things like this, it brings the thought "I dont love AndrewP" to the forefront of her mind. Why do you want her thinking that? She KNOWS you love her. I think youve made that clear. Its time to back wayyyyyy off.
Youve been saying and sending the same kinds of things for months now. Why do you continue to do the same things in the hope that you will get a different result?
I have to agree with darkness. I don't see a single boundary in that note.
And I love decluttering as much as the next person, but it makes a pretty pathetic GAL by itself (or even paired with family time).
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
I write because I see so much of who I was in you and I know how hard this all is. It's a matter of completely reprogramming your brain to live without the one person you trusted more than anyone.
darknes - Thank you. Those two sentences mean a lot.
Much to your shock I'm not going to debate (much) this time. It led you and I (or at least me) down a bad path that ended up me quitting the forum for a while so that I could focus on me and not on debates.
In most of your comments especially about motivations you are completely right. I "am" too wrapped up in W and from last night's talk it turns out she was in me and that's what led us down the path to where we are. It is a cycle that I need to break and hope I am 2X4 whack at a time. Being at heart a loner and more than a bit of a hermit I actually find joy and solace in individual activities and can lose myself in the joy of scrubbing a bathroom or ironing a crisp white shirt.
For the boundaries I personally believe that it is a 2-way street. On BD I set out the boundaries of what I where I would not accept WW going and where I would not go. In some ways that was unfair for me to do both sides but WW was so dazed that she had no clue and I wanted to make sure that she knew that I would respect her as long as she respected me.
For the separation boundaries the first part wasn't about the boundaries - it was about the practicalities of our finances. The only real boundary that I care about is access to the house and I want to know what "she" thinks is fair rather than me being controlling and dictating to her. If she doesn't get back to me by the middle of next week then I will set out a 24 hour notice period along with a list of what she is intending / actually removes. Naturally I'm a controlling, dominant person when it comes to planning. I'm trying to 180 that.
Originally Posted By: darknes
I will say that reviewing them and understanding them and perhaps going through the exercise of filling them out likely gave yopu a good knowledge base to have this discussion.
On this one part you are very much bang-on and I think it's helpful to the others here as well. Knowledge is power. By understanding my options and plotting out my path I felt better when the sh@t hit the fan last night and I felt better in the weeks leading up to that time because I knew where I would make a stand and what I had to stand on.
Was I bluffing? No I wasn't. Now that she's out of the house I'm willing to spend that precious resource that MWD talks about - time. Time for me to find myself better without WW around. Time for WW to decide on her own path. If it takes weeks, months or God forbid, years does it really matter to me? I'm really starting to think that no it doesn't. If WW on the other hand pushes for finality - I have it ready.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
but it makes a pretty pathetic GAL by itself (or even paired with family time).
We are all individuals Rose888 and can find happiness in our own ways. I'll chose to not be offended by the word pathetic.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
But I agree w/ the others, your tone towards your WW is very loving -- I understand that's how you feel but I think it just has the opposite effect on your WW.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
Thank you for not taking offense at my wording. I should not post on Internet forums while drinking.
In thinking about this some more, I realize that I interpret GAL as having a component of pushing myself. Some, but not all, of my GAL activities involve doing things that put me out of my comfort zone.
This might be my own idiosyncratic interpretation of GAL.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Andrew I have just spent the morning reading your sitch and I can see so much of me in you ok currently my w is not in an A she is done with relationships and just wants to be single and not depend on anyone else
My thoughts are with you ...I have no advice for you but I do know that we will get through this sometimes it takes longer to move the small steps but move we will move
In my sitch I have pretty much become just a friend to my w I do not want to be just a friend but I fear I have too much to loose by moving out or moving her out my family unit is about keeping he family together but I am starting to see that this may not be the best option
Stay strong
Ghost
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Thank you for not taking offense at my wording. I should not post on Internet forums while drinking.
In thinking about this some more, I realize that I interpret GAL as having a component of pushing myself. Some, but not all, of my GAL activities involve doing things that put me out of my comfort zone.
This might be my own idiosyncratic interpretation of GAL.
I did both but found the things outside my comfort zone more rewarding. To each their own though. I would recommend doing something outside of the house though (and that doesn't mean partying or anything else beyond doing something outside of the house). There must be something that you have wanted to do or focus on besides house chores right???
