First post here...just starting to GAL and 180.

[SH_]

Have you looked at a DB Coach to assist you with navigating your situation?
I highly reccomended them to assist.

[Buxom]

Have been thinking about it. I'm off on sick leave right now so money is tight.

I get that it's hard for people to weigh in since every sitch is different. Ultimately, I will be the one doing and saying whatever I do. Just looking for other perspectives I have not thot of.
I have a hard time accepting the not talking thing since I really don't think I've been clear on my boundaries since many have dissolved over the past five years he's been MLC ing and whoring. I search myself daily for what I want and need. I read and re-read the recommended threads. I get the notion of things and still look to specifics. Thanks!!

[PsySara]

Hi Buxom,
Great job with the boundaries and putting off the answer to the MBR, it makes things mysterious as well as a 180. Don't "wait" on him to ask again. IF he asks, he asks, if he doesn't then you have some time to mull it over. Do you want him in your bed right now? If so, why? Part of stopping co-dependency is finding out what you really want and not to make decisions based on your mate's feelings and thoughts. You're doing great!

[Buxom]

Thanks so much superSara!
In the last two days, I'm not sure what I want entirely. I want my M yet not at all costs. I'm not wanting the rollercoaster and not to be codependent. Aside from that I'm getting more confused.

He's started being more consistent in behaviours and not texting as much, he's been home more and very accountable to where he is and what he's doing too. He asks me lots of questions, like where I've been, with whom and where did I get the flowers on the table. Lol. I have nothing to hide so I say but trying not to go overboard. I feel strongly that my responses are in aid of building foundations for trust. I like that he asks questions like this.

I should add that after asking last night, he has withdrawn, distant and in self protection mode. Wow, and we haven't even talked! I'm in for some quiet days, maybe, after we do talk. I will wait, I'm in no hurry.

[Surfer]

Exactly wait!!! Then wait some more. If that doesn't work try waiting!

But it's not waiting is it?

It's you being given the gift to find you again. So you are not waiting in the way you think. You are really waiting for you.......

To realise who YOU are. Who you were. To FEEL that person you LOVED. You are waiting to feel YOU. Give yourself time. Time to wait. For YOU. You will come back to you. When you do. You will know. It won't be long. Distance, GAL. Love Surfer.

[Buxom]

Thanks surfer! Makes sense.
Not to be thick minded but.... what do I do or say when he does ask again and if I'm not ready??

[PsySara]

You tell him you still need time to think about it.

[Buxom]

Ok, thanks Sara.
When he returned home last year it was with the condition or understanding that I was the one and only in his life, not just the primary. And no booze or drinking.

I want to say I would want to be the one and only again before he comes back to mbr and that it doesn't work for me if he's having inappropriate contact with other women.

I don't want to cave in yet I do want it to work out!! I know these are expectations, I own that. I also do not want to scare him off. I guess I am a mess today despite lots of self care and hobbies today.

[Buxom]

Isn't it cake eating if he gets to do whatever the hell he wants and I don't ask him of his whereabouts or plans?? He royally screwed up my plans today by just "doing his thang" and I'm so thrown and frustrated. Maybe this is what I need to really feel the screw it, he's a mess and I don't have to be thing.

I started to read After the Affair and got really upset and angry in chapter one with the list of things you may be feeling. Rough mood after that.

[Buxom]

Feeling depressed yesterday and this morning. I'm already on antidepressants. I know I need to be patient but I'm starting to feel hopeless. I've slipped in detaching and want so bad to just go to his room and tell him I'm miserable. I won't tho. I see IC today and Thursday.
I'm still GALing and most of 180, but losing heart. I'm way more him focused than I should be by now. Went to alanon last night and cried thru most of it. I was not able to be cheerful when I got home, said I was in a rotten mood and needed sleep and went to bed.