Lost at the moment (2)

[lfm]

I'll let you know Surfer, need to have some addtional discussions with my W to make sure we are on the same page first. If I find we're not even close, then I'll let you know as I'm sure it would help in that situation.

Thanks!

[Surfer]

Avoid it at all costs if you can. Getting some space apart will help but not living apart.

[Surfer]

Ah just noticed that your W moved out - presume she is still gone?

The space has helped us not argue in fairness - as my WW can't so readily, but being apart does not help the relationship so much. You need some sort of connection and living apart makes that harder. But no connection is somwtimes better than bad connection in the short term IMHO.

[lfm]

Surfer, I'm confused a bit by your last 2 posts. My W has not moved out, and neither have I. We are still in the MBR, sleeping in the same bed. But we close on a new house tomorrow, maybe that where you got the moving part?

Anyway, I'm planning on asking her to find another room in the new house to sleep in after we get settled in. I do still want to have the discussion with our kids this weekend, thinking that they can start to process the possibility of their parents getting divorced before school starts. I'd rather give them some time following that bomb drop without the added pressure of school.

As far as my previous posts, I think my decision is finally catching up with me a bit today. I'm feeling very sad this afternoon as I try to get things packed up for the move tomorrow. It doesn't help that in the middle of the night last night my wife curled up with me, putting her hed on my shoulder and arm across my chest. She said "This doesn't mean anything, but I cant' sleep." She fell asleep on my shoulder about 10 minutes later.

It was so very nice as I've missed having any sort of physical connection with anyone. Maybe that's contributing to my feeling of sadness today along with the packing up of things that I know at some point are going to be distributed between different households.

Back to your last post... That's the really weird thing. We communicate better now post BD than we have in many many years. We don't argue, and there is no indication to anyone including our kids that anything is wrong. In asking my W to find another room to sleep in, I'm hoping it allows me to dettach even further than I have at this point. It's really hard to detach when you lay in bed watching TV late at night and your STBX is sitting next to you.

Anyway... thanks for the continued support!

[Zephyr]

Howdy LFM,

I have been hoping that your move is going well and that it has not been dredging up BS between you and wife!

It doesn't help that in the middle of the night last night my wife curled up with me, putting her hed on my shoulder and arm across my chest. She said "This doesn't mean anything, but I cant' sleep." She fell asleep on my shoulder about 10 minutes later.

It was so very nice as I've missed having any sort of physical connection with anyone. Maybe that's contributing to my feeling of sadness today along with the packing up of things that I know at some point are going to be distributed between different households.

So, I KNOW how hard the loss or lack of physical connection is on men like us. It is, for many men, the most impactful act for feeling loved by others. a warm hug from a close friend, child holding our hands walking in the park, or and embrace from a lover. I get it. I love physical touch too.

When you wife acts the way you described, she is using you. plain and simple. the term here on DB is Cake-Eating. that is just a nicer way of proclaiming being used and effectively mistreated and manipulated.

now, the feeling of a woman's arm around your chest and her head on your shoulder...that is euphoric, but how did it feel when she told you, 'it meant nothing'? how did it feel the next morning (I am assuming she went right back to how it was the day before)? I have been there and it leaves a pretty deep bruise, one that hurts more than the niceness of the moment.

This is all so new, so I will keep it short.

Out of curiosity (because I can't remember), have you read all of Sandi's threads on the Wayward wife?

You are doing really great. I know this is not an easy situation, but I think you are handling yourself well!

[sandi2]

Do you feel you can start letting her go, now? For your sake, I hope you can.

It is so sad, however, your outlook sounds as good as it probably can be, considering.

I hope you will continue updating us, b/c we still care. ((LFM))

[Rose888]

Is the affair still going on?

[lfm]

Thanks for the continued support gang,

The move has been a lot more hectic than I thought it would be so it's been a few days since I've been able to post anything. We are in the house, and working on getting settled. It's amazing how much crap we've accumulated after being together for going on 22 years.

Zephyr - totally agree that it was a cake eating move on my WWs part. The following night she also kind of snuggled with me, laying her arm across me. I think something may have happened around that time between her and the OM and she was looking for comfort from the one source she had available. I'll enjoy it for what it was, which was some nice companionship for those couple of nights. My W has pretty much pulled away again since then, and I've noticed for the past week or so that she's stopped wearing her wedding ring. I'm not sure if its because of the move or if there is something going on in her mind that's prompting this. Contact with the OM as far as I can tell has been very minimal during this week, but think it may be picking up again.

Sandi, definitely in a position where I feel like I'm letting her go, but know there is part of me that is still attached. I'm finding it really difficult to completely dettach and not have any feeling for her particularly when we are still living in the same house and sleeping in the same bed.

Rose - as far as I can tell the affair is still going on, and shows no sign of stopping, not that there is necessarily any indication that it will stop.

As far as myself over the past week, I haven't done much in terms of GAL becuase it's all been about the move. I did have a phone consultation with an attorney to run through what I needed to be prepared for when I file for D. I can't say that I'm 100% convinced that is what I will do, but feel like I get a little bit closer to filing with each passing day. I think I need to give a little bit of time for things to settle after the move before jumping into that.

I do have a business trip out of town coming up in a couple of weeks so maybe that will help with some of the detachment issues, as I'll be away from WW and kids for 4 days.

Hope everyone is having a great weekend and I'll try to post again soon.

[Coconut]

LFM,

Question... For a couple of months now you have put off setting boundaries and protecting yourself because you wanted to wait until you moved into the new house. So your in, what boundaries do you now plan to put in place?

[lfm]

Hey Coconut,

Good question. Here's what I'm thinking. I could use some advice as to whether or not I'm on the right track.

1) If she's going to be in contact with the OM, she needs to leave the house. (This one is hard to enforce as it's a big enough house that I can't know she is following this without me following her around the house. I had implemented this one in the apartment we were living in and she did actually follow it for the most part.
2) OM is not allowed to set a foot in this house. I don't think this one would be broken anyway, but he was allowed in our prior house before the PA actually started.
3) We need to speak with our kids about the difficulties we have in our marriage right now and that we may very well end up proceeding down the path of divorce.
4) and this is the big one... telling my WW that for as long as the A continues, she needs to find somewhere else in the house to sleep.

I believe this boundaries are fair and valid. The difficulty I have is consequences for violating them. I feel like my only recourse at this point is to go ahead and file for divorce or to threaten to make the A public, which I don't really want to do as I am thinking long term about what that would do to our relationship and to the relationship of our kids. I dont' think there is anything else I can put out there as a consequence, but maybe I'm not thinking about that correctly.

Any thoughts from you or the group on these?

Thanks!