If you are ready to be divorced, then file. It isn't going to change you going to sleep or waking up without her. It isn't going to change your dreams.
Your happiness is YOUR responsibility. That's the point of GAL - to figure out how to make YOU happy. If you are doing it while looking over your shoulder, you are wasting your energy.
Still not sure why I continue writing here. I'm just tired. I'm tired of crying myself to sleep at night. I'm tired of dreams involving her and OM or dreams when we were in love. I'm tired of waking up alone and going to sleep alone. I'm tired of saying goodby to my kids. I'm tired of the awkward hellos and goodbyes with my wife.
How long does this hell last? How long until she decides that she spent enough time "separated" that others will believe she did everything she could to save her marriage? It's hard to feel like I can move on when I'm waiting for her. Yeah, I can 180 and GAL but that doesn't help me heal and move forward when this huge decision looms overhead
Cole my friend, it is time you do something to strengthen your mental and emotional state of being.
If you are tired of of all of those things, then it is time to do some conditioning exercises for your mental and emotional well being.
This hell will last as long as you let it last. The hell you are experiencing is inside you.
What I see so often in here are LBS that wallow in the pain but do not put in the work to get out of it. Now hear me. This is not meant to make you feel bad or be a judgement on you. What you are experiencing is very real. It is so real that your mind and body are struggling to interpret and resolve what is happening.
It is like the obese overweight type 2 diabetic who sits in front of the tv stuffing them self with Cheetos and ice cream while complaining of the discomfort they feel and the mean things people say about them. They cry themselves to sleep and blame their parents for helping them have bad eating habits, they blame society for marketing unhealthy food to them and they blame their old high school sweetheart for breaking up with them over a decade ago because it made them depressed and they have been eating their feelings ever since. There is one simple solution for this person. Get up and do something about it! The details of what they do will vary. THe information they read about how to do it will vary. The support they can reach out to for help will vary. But the ones that get up and do something and stick to it slowly but surely change their situation. A key to success while doing it is changing their mental attitude. They stop blaming their surroundings and they start trusting their inner champion.
You are at a crossroads here. You can stay on the same path that you are on doing what you are doing and hope things change. But we all know the saying about doing the same things over and over hoping to get something different is the definition of insanity.
Or
You can go down a different path and try some new things out and get some different results.
Have you been meeting with an IC? Have you worked with a DB coach? Have you discussed with an MD to determine if ADs may help? Have you meditated? Attended church? Prayed? Sought out information for building a strong mental and emotional well being?
Check out the Ted Talk by Guy Winch about emotional first aid. You may find some helpful ideas in it.
You are right, simply posting here will not change your mental stress or situation, only doing something about it will change it.
But there are many good folks on here that can support you and point you in a good direction. They have gone down a good path. THey know what you are experiencing. I know it. I felt the darkest depths of hell I could never have imagined. But I am out of the depths and I am pushing forward in my own limbo, so please hear me when I say, Get up and put in the work. You will only benefit if you do. And when you look back, you will be grateful that the time was shorter than it would have been if you stay on the current path.
Be well my friend. Heed the wise advice that many will share. And do what you must do to stop being sick and tired. You and your family deserve the peace you can create.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
