I understand OM's role. He had more than one opportunity to walk away from the situation. He was encouraging her actions even after I found out and after I sent him a text explaining everything I knew. His one and only response to me was that he was drunk, he was sorry and he would stay away from my wife so we could work on our marriage. Of course that never happened.
He's an a$$hole and he certainly played a conscious role in the destruction of my marriage. While it was my wife who was the one who violated her vows of her own free will, he still did countless reprehensible things that knowingly and directly hurt me and my family. To think otherwise is wrong. All three parties in infidelity share some responsibility and should be held accountable. I don't believe the affair partner should get a pass unless they were unaware the cheating spouse was married.
M: Late 30s W:Late 30s S: 4 D:2
Known: 19 Together:8 Married:5
ILYINILWY: 8/2015 EA: Confirmed 9/2015, Started 8/2015? PA: No evidence, W Denies D: Planned for Spring 2016
He's an a$$hole and he certainly played a conscious role in the destruction of my marriage. While it was my wife who was the one who violated her vows of her own free will, he still did countless reprehensible things that knowingly and directly hurt me and my family. To think otherwise is wrong. All three parties in infidelity share some responsibility and should be held accountable. I don't believe the affair partner should get a pass unless they were unaware the cheating spouse was married.
Cole_
I understand you and completely agree. I don't dwell on the OM; he's a useless waste of human flesh, but anytime I see him I'm going to make him as uncomfortable as possible. (He already knows that I won't back-down.) I told my sons that if ever touches them to call me and dial 911 for the cops then tell the OM that he'd better hope the cops get there first.
It may not be DB, but d@mn my family has been violated and I'm not going to sit around and tolerate that bullsh*t.
All three parties in infidelity share some responsibility and should be held accountable.
You asked about how to lessen your feelings of anger.
In my opinion, as long as you hold tight to this belief, the anger will never subside.
That doesnt mean he's a good person. That doesnt mean you need to be his friend. But as long as you continue to blame him for your wife's choices, I think it will be hard to get over the anger.
To be clear, I don't blame him for my wife's choices. I blame him for his own. He, and his family, are/were close family friends. He knew my wife was married. He knew me, he knew my kids, and he knew my wife was married. Hell,he even attended our wedding and knew how much my wife and family means to me. He made a conscious choice to pursue a relationship with a married woman, knowing all of this.
He lied to my face. He made decisions and carried out actions that he knew would hurt me and my family and cause significant damage if not destroy my marriage. That is what he is responsive for and what I must somehow try to forgive.
M: Late 30s W:Late 30s S: 4 D:2
Known: 19 Together:8 Married:5
ILYINILWY: 8/2015 EA: Confirmed 9/2015, Started 8/2015? PA: No evidence, W Denies D: Planned for Spring 2016
I'm home after work and sitting in my apartment wondering when this gets easier. I have plans to meet up with a friend this weekend and I'm heading to the gym in an hour, but for now I'm just missing my family and wondering what they're doing.
I appreciate the comments and hope I'm not coming off as adversarial. I really do want to try and forgive and move past my anger but I also consider myself a man of honor and integrity and that seems to compel me, right or wrong, to hold all of us accountable.
In all honesty, the one thing that would make this easier would be for OM to contact me, demonstrate remorse, and request forgiveness. I know that's a foolish thing to think about, but it's always much easier to forgive someone when they are truly asking for forgiveness. Maybe it's just human and admittedly naive to believe people feel guilt and remorse when they hurt you and genuinely desire forgiveness.
I know in my heart that what I have to do is simply move on with my life and let whatever happens happen. I know I have to approach this as if we are already divorced and I'm rebuilding myself and my life. I have to pretend that I'm already in the first few years after the divorce, when my focus is on improving myself and healing myself and learning more about myself and what makes me happy as an individual so that if/when the time comes that I'm ready to look for a new relationship I'm healed and won't bring along any baggage.
I can say all of those things, but it still doesn't make it easier.
M: Late 30s W:Late 30s S: 4 D:2
Known: 19 Together:8 Married:5
ILYINILWY: 8/2015 EA: Confirmed 9/2015, Started 8/2015? PA: No evidence, W Denies D: Planned for Spring 2016
I just said goodnight to my family over Skype and my wife invited me to brunch this weekend. It seemed like an invitation more out of obligation to our kids than a genuine desire to have me there. I told my wife that I had something going on in the morning but if the timing worked out, I'd do my best to meet them.
Given my current situation, how much time should I be spending with everyone as a family? Not just me alone with my kids, which I'd obviously take any chance I could, but me with my wife and kids together.
It's easy for me to say yes to these invitations because I love my family and feel so empty when I'm away from them. I miss them and want to spend time with them. The interactions between my wife and I at these kinds of things are generally positive, but still more like acquaintances than a married couple. She really does seem to have no attraction to me and no desire to be anything but an acquaintance... the bare minimum for functional coparenting.
Do people really lose affection and love and a desire for friendship so easily? I mean I could understand if I were abusive or completely ignored her but that's far from the case. I keep looking inward to figure out my role in all of this and nothing I come up with seems to justify the way she's treated me. I think I'll always wonder how and why and it's obviously something I need to work on and not get to caught up trying to answer.
Anyway, I'm hoping to be able to have the kids stay at my apartment soon which should make things easier and perhaps more clear but I'm still not sure what I should be doing to help move us forward. Should I be minimizing contact with her? Not talk to her except to coordinate time with the kids? Not spend any time with her except to pick up the kids from her house and drop them off? How much and in what way should I be interacting with my wife right now?
Man, I really just need to admit that everything is over and cut my losses but that's so hard when you've shared so much, invested so much, and still love so much. I'm hopeless really...
M: Late 30s W:Late 30s S: 4 D:2
Known: 19 Together:8 Married:5
ILYINILWY: 8/2015 EA: Confirmed 9/2015, Started 8/2015? PA: No evidence, W Denies D: Planned for Spring 2016
Our wedding anniversary is coming up. I've read a decent amount of advice but figure I should ask anyway. I bought a card to give my wife, but realize it's probably not worth giving it to her and I probably shouldn't even mention anything to her unless she contacts me and mentions it. Correct?
If she does mention it and/or give me a card, should I bother giving her the one I got? My first response is to simply acknowledge it but leave it at that. If love any advice on this as well as some help on how "dark" I should be considering kids are involved.
M: Late 30s W:Late 30s S: 4 D:2
Known: 19 Together:8 Married:5
ILYINILWY: 8/2015 EA: Confirmed 9/2015, Started 8/2015? PA: No evidence, W Denies D: Planned for Spring 2016
I gave my WW flowers on our anniversary and she was very upset. If your W initiates anything about the anniversary then I would only reciprocate based on her actions. My 2 cents.
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
IMHO, to get a card that says Happy Anniversary just doesn't fit, especially when the couple is waiting for the D to be finalized. I think the LBS's have trouble with the decision over cards, b/c of their emotional dependency on the WS.
You will have to make this decision, Cole.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Yeah, definitely not going to give her the card and will try to avoid seeing her on that day. Already made plans to spend the day with a good friend.
Not sure what else to say. I was unpacking things in my apartment and it really amazes me how mundane, everyday things have memories attached to them. Books that we once read to each other in bed, a book I read on our honeymoon, books I received as gifts from her... it feels like a lifetime of great memories thrown away. I really don't know how people deal with these situations when they've known someone for even longer. Twenty years... maybe I'm wired differently, but that means something to me. Looking back, I see so many great memories and so few that were really what anyone would call bad.
Still, I'm feeling stronger and more able to detach, but it still hurts. I'm sure it will always hurt.
M: Late 30s W:Late 30s S: 4 D:2
Known: 19 Together:8 Married:5
ILYINILWY: 8/2015 EA: Confirmed 9/2015, Started 8/2015? PA: No evidence, W Denies D: Planned for Spring 2016
