First post here...just starting to GAL and 180.

[Buxom]

So the bedroom question from last post did not come up yet. See last post. Still need fresh eyes on this. Keep in mind that he's been MLCing for five years and recently started being more consistent in being more like himself, using pet names, asking me to go quading with him... he's still hurting though and easily emotional and withdraws so either touch and gos or very early reconnection. I woke anxious today. We are both alone in the house as both kids are away right now.

[Cadet]

I think you should not worry about how he is going to react.

My opinion is to keep the focus off of him and on yourself.
You can not control what he does - you can get more popcorn,
pull up a chair and keep watching the movie.

Nothing you do or say can shorten his crisis.
By not staying detached you can make it longer.

Touch and go's can eventually lead to reconnection,
as they get more frequent and longer in duration.

Sorry you are anxious, what can you do to FIX that?

[Buxom]

Cadet, not concerning myself by his reaction aside, is the wording of my plan re. Requests to come back mbr, sound ok???

I appreciate your reminder dears and helping to level my as I get more and more on track!

[Buxom]

That's reminders! Lol not reminder dears

[EDF]

Good thing because it feels like WH is angling to return to mbr. He keeps taking naps in my bed and complaining his back hurts. I've decided, when he asks, to ask him (calmly and serenely) "What has changed since you decided to move out of the mbr?" I'll hear him out, validate and end with, "I didn't ask you to leave, it was your choice and I understand that. I would welcome you back into mbr when we have a monogamous relationship." Not sure how he will react.
Thoughts?

Glad thew GAL continues to go well Buxom!

Regarding the MBR question, from your post it sounds like you're already on point as far as aiming to keep the talk calm and avoiding being over-enthusiastic, which is great. If he does end up back in the MBR, it's still important to avoid being touchy/intimate until he's showing serious commitment via actions to get his head out of his ass and win you back. Sounds right now like him wanting back in is just about him, and what's most convenient for him (i.e. cake eating).

If he says something ridiculous during the talk, Sandi2 often likes to recommend simply saying something short&sweet like "Really?" (With an incredulous look on your face) rather than getting bogged down defending yourself.

I don't have any specific advice on the wording you proposed but for what it's worth, from my non-vet perspecective, I'm not seeing any huge red flags. Definitely let him broach the talk; for you it's probably best if he continues to experience the consequences of his actions as long as possible.

[Wonka]

Hiya, Buxom.

I would not ask any questions like that at all for you don't want to spook a skittish horse when you've finally gotten him to eat out of your hand. And I must point out that your question (and subsequent 'scripted' "calm response") has an underlying expectation in it. Just let it be. Easy does it. Keep your expectations at zero level.

You're on the right track, sweetie.

[Buxom]

Wonka, thanks for the wisdom and encouragement! I am not clear on what my response could be if or when he asks to return to mbr.

EDF , thanks for the help and support! I like the Sandi advice. Had not heard that one. I like you put it to let him feel the consequences of his actions. A good reminder!

[Buxom]

Well, he asked to join me tonight. I knew it. He said, could I slide in beside you in bed tonight?

I was silent for a few beats, told him he caught me off guard and as it was late that we could talk about it tomorrow. He said sure, I guess it's late to talk. Duh!

So I need good dbing words! I'd like to hear his reasons and know not to believe it but I still want to hear if it's his comfort or some remorse. I would like to say, but not sure if I should, that I am thinking and reevaluating my life too and have enjoyed the space I did not ask for. That his continued ea and pa has shaken me up more and more as the new betrayal has sunk in. I'm not sure what I want other than never to be the LBS again.

I find that I am not desperate to have him back at all costs. Living roommates has been fine for me lately. Big shift this week for me. I do not want to scare him off but I don't want this dance to continue either. I will wait for him to bring it up. I would still appreciate suggestions for wording please. Thank you in advance!!

[Sotto]

Hi there - well firstly, if he doesn't raise it again with you, I wouldn't raise it with him. And if he does raise it, you may want to say something like - 'I don't want to share my bed with you whilst you're having inappropriate contact with another woman - that doesn't work for me.

Say it calmly and reasonably and then turn away and go about your day....

JMHO of course, but it sounds to me like he want to cake eat - ie: snuggle up with you, then covertly text OP or whatever too...

Hope this helps my friend

[Buxom]

Soto, thanks, it does help!
I really want to do this right and I'd really like to be clear on my boundaries. I see him withdraw when I've said something like last night when I deferred talking until today. He is quiet, standoffish and only slowly engaging in convo this morning. I am light and "normal " and waiting his attempt to talk about his Mbr request. Waiting is the hard part for me, cos like most women I talk more and get into fix it mode. I'm going to go out now and get busy with something.
JSYK, Aside from the withdraws, which get shorter and less angry each time, he has been smiling and good eye contact with me, starting conversations about everything and nothing, doing things with me and kissing me good night and when leaving the house and sometimes more. He's assisting with house chores and is talking about inviting old friend ends over again. He's reconnected with old Malachi dsl and is going golfing with one guy tomorrow. This pleases.me a lot since he initially discussed his sitch about four years ago with guy and they lost touch until recently 2-3 months ago. I mention all this for background more than my focus on him. I want u to know that I'm aware that this touch and go or early reconnection time is sensitive and I'm trying to strike a balance that I can live with and not scare him off. I think he needs to know where I'm at too. Make sense?
Anyway the mbr talk is imminent and I need to convey the boundary while maintaining the connection, whatever stage that is in.

Any other input by all is much appreciated. I'm in uncharted territory and have not gotten thru the book as it's all happy nine so fast.