My turn... Part 3

[Cadet]

Should I just keep working on myself, GAL and be patient and wait for my wife to make a decision about what she wants to do?

So what is the alternative to this?
If you are asking if waiting is going to cure this,
what if I said no,
then what would you do differently?

How have you been making yourself into a person that only a fool would leave?

[Cole_]

I see the following options:

1. I keep working on myself, push through the pain, and wait for her to come to me with a decision and commitment on what she wants to do. If she wants to save our marriage then we make a plan that includes specific, measurable, actionable things we will do to restore our relationship.

2. I keep working on myself, and tell her that I won't wait forever and try to push a timeline for her to commit to working on our marriage. Work means we develop a plan and start acting on it.

3. I tell her that I'm done waiting for her and would like to move forward with divorce.

The truth is that while I love my wife and family, she doesn't seem to demonstrate guilt or remorse for what she did and she doesn't seem to want to take responsibility and do the hard work required to help me and our marriage heal. Her approach seems to be to pretend it never happened, blame me for all our problems, and wait around trusting that if we were meant to be than someway, either now or twenty years from now, we'll magically find ourselves together again. She finally admitted at one point that her ideas of love, relationships, and marriage are probably naive and immature fantasy but still strongly believes she should "follow her heart".

As for what I'm doing to make myself a person only a fool would leave:

I've lost 45lbs and am in better shape than I was before I was married. I had to buy a new wardrobe so I'm looking better than ever and feel better about my appearance than I have in a long time. I eat well and work out and physically feel great. It's common to hear people compliment me on the changes I've made.

I'm a great dad. I see my kids as much as I can, and when I'm not able to be with them, I make sure to talk to them, read to them, and say goodnight to them over Skype before they go to bed.

I've checked off a number of things from my bucket list and revisited few old hobbies. I've got a new guitar arriving this week and there are a few activities I try to attend evenings and on Saturday.

Areas I still need to address are with my career and that's an ongoing struggle as I lost a great job and am still applying and interviewing so I can find something better. That's just going to take time and little bit of hard work "hitting the pavement".

I guess what is most difficult is navigating my relationship with her. I don't know how much time I should spend with her and how I should behave around her. I don;t know how much I should help her fix up the new house or simple things like that, that I normally wouldn't even have a second thought doing for a friend.

[sandi2]

I'm truly sorry for the pain you are experiencing. I hope you will post often and stick with us. The more you post, the more responses you'll get. And, ask questions.

Is your W still in contact with the same OM?

Have you read those links Cadet sent you? They are loaded with the type of advice you need to be using now.

Has there ever been any type of affair in the past?

I keep working on myself, and tell her that I won't wait forever and try to push a timeline for her to commit to working on our marriage. Work means we develop a plan and start acting on it.

Giving her a timeline doesn't work. If you told her she had till midnight tonight, she'd call after midnight and tell you she was confused about what she wants and that she needs more time.

Your W is wayward, and with waywardness comes a mindset that is so opposite of the girl you married, that none of it makes sense to you.

What has been the type of approach you've taken toward her leaving you, and her affair?

[AndrewP]

Cole_

I'm in a similar spot although in my case (I believe - she doesn't talk to me about it) that my WW is done with her A. My W doesn't show any remorse or guilt either which is why I think she's still stuck in the fog even though the A is (probably) over. I've been counseled by people who know W to be very patient which I struggle with.

The reality is for me that I'm doing your option 1. It's tough to be a lighthouse and stand strong when you feel like doing something / anything to "fix" what's wrong. I presume like me you've gotten a lot of advice from well-meaning people to give up and move on - some of it in my case rather strongly worded.

I did actually do a version of your option 2 about 3 weeks ago. I wrote W a letter and used the phrase that I would wait a "reasonable amount of time" when asking her if she would reconcile or leave rather than a specific day. She seems to be dragging things out as sandi2 suggests but it did make a change. Prior to me giving her that letter W talked in a very focused way on moving out but never actually did anything much to my frustration and I presume to the frustration of all of her friends and family who have been encouraging, supporting and enabling her for the last 6 months.

For my own sanity I've gotten your option 3 planned out including identifying and meeting with a L and getting the paperwork started. That way if I need to act, I can act quickly without having to figure it out under the stress and pain that would be happening.

[Cole_]

Is your W still in contact with the same OM?

She works with OM and his brother so she has an opportunity to see him every day. She doesn't make a conscious effort to avoid seeing him and has even brought our kids to see him long after Dday and long after I told both of them that I didn't want him anywhere near our kids. I have learned, however, that he started dating other women and has been avoiding her. Not that it counts for much.

We are friends with OM's family entire. OM's parents are like a third set of grandparents for our kids and OM and his brother were "uncles" to our kids. She won't consider leaving her office or severing ties with his family. I know it's not a competition, but at times it feels like I have to fight not only the idealistic perception she has of OM but the idealistic picture she has of his family.

Has there ever been any type of affair in the past?

Two years after we were married and a year after our first child she started to become distant and refused to leave our kids with anyone so we could have date nights. I thought it might have just been the usual fatigue and relationship changes that come with being new parents. I expressed my concerns but was told that she was just tired. I later learned through phone records that she was talking to an old boyfriend on her way to and from work and that they were texting back and forth quite frequently. The flirtation was primarily on the old boyfriend's end but I confronted her. After getting over her anger at the "violation of privacy" she was pretty remorseful. From her perspective, she was going through a period where she didn't feel those "in love" feelings anymore and wanted a male opinion. I explained it was inappropriate and that she needed to come to me with these things not an old flame.

What has been the type of approach you've taken toward her leaving you, and her affair?

I made a lot of mistakes in the beginning. A month before I heard her say ILYBINILWY, we had a fight over her increasing avoidance and lack of intimacy and for the first time ever she expressed everything that has built up resentment in her over the years. I heard what she said and started making changes. Seriously. The next week, I hit the gym and started my path to getting back in shape. I also started trying to address every other issue she said she had with me.

When she later said ILYBINILWY, I lost my mind and pursued her. I know now that it only pushed her away more. She said she needed space and began learning a hobby with OM. I told her I was concerned about the time she was spending with another man when our relationship was in a weakened state but she of course just got defensive. 2-3 weeks later, I discovered her emotional affair when I snooped, went through her phone, and found test messages that contained a nude photo OM sent her. I lost my mind on the discovery and experienced the whole range of PTSD symptoms but my anger was mostly quiet and controlled.

We had one huge fight when I found a birthday gift and card she bought OM after dday. Details are in my previous posts, but I was otherwise trying to work through things by focusing on my weight training and being a great dad. After some convincing, she agreed to see an MC that did more harm than good. I saw an IC that helped me but I was still admittedly depressed and over emotional. We spent 6-8 months in what was basically an in-home separation while she continued to engage in a relationship with OM while stating she had gone NC. Probably biggest reason we had an in-home separation was that we were waiting to sell our home and also wanted to minimize impact on the kids.

The whole time I've expressed my desire to fight for our marriage. I accept responsibility for being imperfect and having contributed in some way to a marriage that needed work but refuse any responsibility for the affair. I am firm that she made a conscious choice to avoid working with me to improve our marriage, and by pursuing a relationship with OM, she made a conscious choice to break our wedding vows and deeply hurt me and our children.

Now, I mostly just engage her when dealing with the logistics of our still intermingled lives (finances insurance, childcare, etc) and spending time with our kids. She'll occasionally text me questions about fixing up things in her new house, which I still answer and try to be amicable/witty in doing so, but I've not pursued her or brought up any discussion of our relationship. The one exception is on the day we move out of our house. When I left her to spend my first night in my apartment, I told her that at some point when she was ready we needed to have a discussion to set expectations for our separation and our relationship moving forward because it was in everyone's best interest to do so. Her response was just to not worry about it and see how things go.

In my mind, she is treating this like a trial run for divorce. She gets to see how it feels to live and take care of the kids on her own and I'm the backup plan if she doesn't like it or finds out she actually does miss me when I'm gone. She says she still had love for me but isn't "in love" with me and regardless of what happens, wants me in her life and that of our kids. It feels like she wants me around as a friend because that helps her reconcile whatever negative thoughts she may have about what transpired.

[Cole_]

One of the things I struggle with is my anger towards the OM. He was a family friend and I remember one day specifically, before I found out but after they began expressing their love for each other, that he came into my house, looked me in the eye, and shook my hand. Later that week he and I exchanged text messages as I asked him what he thought about a gift I was planning to buy my wife to demonstrate my support of her new hobby. He again lied to my face and acted as a friend.

I want so desperately to forgive and move on and approach my life with love and compassion but the rage I feel when I hear his name or even that of his family is more powerful than anything I have ever felt. I've always thought of myself as a kind and forgiving person, perhaps to a fault sometimes, but this man defies all of that. I want to hurt this man for his role in all of this.
I want to confront him and physically harm him. I want to ruin his life beyond physical pain. I want to take away everything he values like he did to me. I want to introduce more pain and suffering into his world than he has ever known and I want him to know it was me that brought it upon him as payback for the pain he brought me and my family.

I know these thoughts are not healthy and I'm not proud to write what I did. I know I need to deal with it. Most days I'm able to but I'd love to hear suggestions on how to lessen the feelings that surround the affair partner and possibly work toward forgiveness. I don't want him to cause me further pain by hindering my ability to heal and move on with my life and yet since nobody knows about the affair except my best friend, it feels like he's getting away with it and there's no justice in the world.

[J5K]

Cole

You are doing well. I have not read your sitch from the beginning but keep focusing on you and your kids.

I am sorry you are here, I hope to contribute more at some point in time. You are a good man. I am sure it is difficult since your WW cannot just avoid the OM. I can only imagine how difficult it is for you since your family's are connected by more than just the OM. Hang in there.

[Cole_]

Worse yet is how hard our respective families are taking the separation without even knowing about the infidelity. They simply know what my wife has told everyone - she felt lonely and unappreciated, didn't think I was contributing enough with housework and parenting/childcare, etc. etc. and over time the anger, resentment and loneliness became overwhelming and she needs out because she isn't in love anymore and isn't happy.

Every single one of our family members have stated that they were surprised by the news of our separation and don't understand it. In their minds, and mine, her issues are those found in every long term relationship and most don't believe her claims because they've seen how I am around my wife and kids. Our parents are taking it especially hard. Given how upset and emotional they've been, I can't really turn to them for support and I'm glad that they don't know about the infidelity. That really would have made things much worse than they are now and definitely would have made reconciliation impossible.

I'm hanging in there, but I'm still oscillating between the soul crushing despair of feeling like I've lost everything and the occasional small glimmer of confidence and hope.

I've literally lost everything in the past year (wife, kids, job, self esteem, etc) and it's just going to take time to rebuild. I can objectively look at myself and see that, but man is it hard.

[Cole_]

Having a rough day. Without getting into too many details, I went out to dinner with my wife, our, our kids, and her side of the family. I spent most of the evening interacting with our kids and talking to my sister-in-law. Interactions with my wife were, as they always are these days, just logistical. Helping to order food, making sure the kids went potty or were changed,etc. To this day I'll never understand her perception that she did all the work raising our kids but that's aside the point. I was having a great time, smiling and laughing for most of the evening. Then the night came to an end and as we were leaving, I got emotional because my oldest asked me why I couldn't go home with them and live in their house with mommy. Both kids then begged me to go home with them and help them get ready for bed.

So I ended up doing just that. I went to my wife's new house, gave both kids their baths, got them ready for bed, and then read to them for a while until my wife came upstairs. We then carried out what used to be our normal routine. We tucked them in bed, sang to them and left them to sleep. Those are the moments that are the hardest. I went downstairs, waited for her to come down so she could lock the door behind me. When she came down, we said nothing more than goodnight and I walked out the door and drove home to an empty apartment.

I'll never understand how relationships can be tossed aside like this. How someone could throw away so much. I was once a hopeless romantic but my perception of love, and friendship seem forever changed and that's the greatest tragedy of this.

She was cheated on in a previous relationship. How could she do this to me knowing first hand what it feels like? It's even more painful because Of how long we've been friends and because of the children we had.

one day at a time... I'm just not sure how I'm going to handle our anniversary, which is coming up in the next week.

[MoveFrwd]

I want so desperately to forgive and move on and approach my life with love and compassion but the rage I feel when I hear his name or even that of his family is more powerful than anything I have ever felt. I've always thought of myself as a kind and forgiving person, perhaps to a fault sometimes, but this man defies all of that. I want to hurt this man for his role in all of this.
I want to confront him and physically harm him. I want to ruin his life beyond physical pain. I want to take away everything he values like he did to me. I want to introduce more pain and suffering into his world than he has ever known and I want him to know it was me that brought it upon him as payback for the pain he brought me and my family.

AT some point, you will come to realize that it wasnt him that did this. Then the anger you feel towards this person may lessen.

Yes, he's a lying, scuzzy POS. But HE didnt take everything. He didnt kidnap or kill your wife. She chose this path of her own free will. The unraveling of your marriage is 50% on you and 50% on her. He is just a symptom of the whole ordeal.