Working on me and letting it play out

[cbtdad]

Yeah I noticed that last night.
I apologized this morning for being "dicki$h"
Last night I was able to say something like that before I went to bed
I said, "It's got to be tough having so much on your plate right now. I understand you may not want to discuss it right now, but I just wanted let you know I'm here to listen when you need it"
So we talked and joked about other things
Anyways this morning I woke up to a text that said, "let's go have breakfast somewhere"
I said ok
We went to breakfast and then went shopping for fireworks
Afterwards we went looking at houses around us in new neighborhoods and she talked about moving.
Crazy. she wants to look at newer houses together, etc
But we are still in separate bedrooms
I do feel things are getting closer
I know she needs to trust me emotionally before the physical stuff is gonna happen so I'm not pushing anything
I think I'm gonna bring up in MC next session that a goal should be to be back in same bedroom by the end of the month
We shall see

[Coconut]

Nice job Cbt, sounds just like something I would of said, lol. Anyway, it's funny how when your no longer fighting for your life, when you don't feel like your whole world hangs in the balance and that a single comment or misstep could destroy everything, how when that's not happening you start to find yourself going back into old routines (almost taking things for granted).

Just a few weeks ago I would of done anything to have my W invite me to do something (even shopping that I despise), but now that things are leveling out I find myself having to kinda talk myself into wanting to go. I think part of that is my continuous effort to detach (which has come a long way), but the other part is falling back into the old me that just didn't mind time alone.

Anyway, I think putting a time frame on sharing a bedroom, or identifying what you both want first for that to happen, is a good idea. I think sharing the MBR, even without physical contact, goes a long way to building the emotional intamicy in a M.

[cbtdad]

Son sitting on couch watching Inside Out. W sitting on couch next to me looking at houses on the inernet and saying things like, "we wouldn't like this" and "we can get more house in this area"
Meantime we haven't had sex in over 3 months and are staying in separate bedrooms
Love WAW mentalities. They certainly can make things interesting

[cbtdad]

Had a pretty good weekend.
Still finding it humorous that W is looking at houses for "us"
Both of us had to work on the 4th, but we got off and had some friends over for burgers and shot off a ton of fireworks. I love blowing stuff up!
Yesterday morning we kind of got into it a little bit. It wasn't anything important. I think it was just me being frustrated with this situation. I feel like I am pulling the entire rope. That I am doing all the work and not seeing the results I need. I know this is the patience part.
But in the end I hugged her and she actually let it happen and didn't pull away but leaned in
There definitely has been smaller physical contact lately so that's good. I'm not pushing that too much though. She will be done next week with her first semester of paramedic school and that should take some stress off.
This morning she text me to say thanks for taking S to camp.
I do 3 times a week, but that was first time she thanked me

[Mach1]

Yesterday morning we kind of got into it a little bit. It wasn't anything important. I think it was just me being frustrated with this situation. I feel like I am pulling the entire rope. That I am doing all the work and not seeing the results I need. I know this is the patience part.

That's because you are trying to define everything by the way that things used to be....

She is trying to define everything, by what they might be...

But in the end I hugged her and she actually let it happen and didn't pull away but leaned in

Why are you rushing this ^^^^ ???

[cbtdad]

Thanks Mach!
That's why I love this forum. You can get a different perspective from others. I never looked at it that way.
I am not sure giving her a hug was really rushing anything? Should I not be doing that based on where we are at right now in our situation. I am not rushing into trying to ML or anything. But I have been testing the waters with light PT lately just to see her response

[Mach1]

I am not sure giving her a hug was really rushing anything? Should I not be doing that based on where we are at right now in our situation. I am not rushing into trying to ML or anything. But I have been testing the waters with light PT lately just to see her response

So...you are just "temp checking" ?

I want you to see this as part of you trying to define from the past...


Did you expect PT on your first date to Chuck E Cheese ????

And the "touch charges" are potentially a good thing. I just want YOU to see them for what they are, and understand YOUR reasoning behind them, so that you can lower your expectations a bit....

For now, those "touches" are for you. Down the road ? They can potentially make a difference for her.

Be aware of the reality of them, thats all..

The trick is....to be awesome enough that SHE initiates the touches...

[cbtdad]

I see your point. Thanks Mach
I do see that the PT, although small, are for me. Because that is my LL. That is how I temp checked to see what happened. Didn't realize it at the time, but now I see.
I like your example of the first date. LOL

[Coconut]

Hey CBT... Just wanted to let you know I'm still lurking on your thread, but haven't had much input to provide.

I feel you on the PT, it is for you, but it's got to start somewhere. Your recent posts focus mostly on interactions with you and W, but I'm wondering if there have been discussions on PT? Have you asked, or has she told you what is going on in her mind?

One of the things that killed me early in piecing, even while we where in separate bedrooms my W would come into my MBR to use shower and get ready, and her walking around naked with me there was torture.. I never said anything to her, because I did like it, but man it was hard to deal with, but I didn't want her to stop doing it and then have to wait forever for her to start doing it again. Didn't want it to become habit not to do it.

Anyway, it may be for you, but if she doesn't withdraw I wouldn't stop. I started with backrubs, and I totally did it for me, but she liked it and so I kept doing it and went from there. I wouldn't do it too often, but if she is receptive, I wouldn't stop PT.

[cbtdad]

Well sure enough I did it again. I can't seem to keep my mouth shut sometimes about R talk. And as sure as hell its the jealousy of a freaking vibrator again!!
I know it's because I'm craving that type of attention from my W and not getting it, but I've got to do better at recognizing it and walk away
So here's what happened. I was in bedroom brushing teeth. I looked up and there was a charger going from my side of the old bed to a pillow. So I knew right away what it was. She said something like she hasn't used it in a couple weeks. Which is a lie. Anyways I could feel myself getting upset. At that point I should of just walked out. I said a few smartass things and I don't even remember what they were. I do remember one thing I said and that was, she said I was annoying her and I said I dont even care if I'm annoying you anymore. So I go into guest room. Well I can help myself because now I'm worked up. I walk back into MBR and at first apologize and tell her what I mean to say and that I'm just frustrated and that seeing that reminds me where we really are with things. From there I start going into how I feel like it is all about her and that she doesn't even ask me how I'm doing or how my day is going. I then begin to say how I don't even know why I'm still here and that this is getting very aggravating. That I feel like I'm just playing the husband role and that I am not getting what I need in a marriage in return. I told her I feel like plan B. I said that I can't make her love me that way. All she said to all of this was Ok.
I then told her to enjoy her time and I closed the door and left

I'm angry at myself for not controlling my emotions. I know this is a process but I feel myself becoming very frustrated that I am living in a marriage that I do not feel wanted.
I know that I've said lately that everything is great except the PT and being in separate bedrooms. And it is. It's actually been great other wise
But I can only go so long without getting what I need filled in a marriage.
Which is physical touch and feeling wanted.
I'm headed to lake tomorrow for a couple days with Son so at least I will be gone
I feel like an idiot. MC is on Thursday
Guess it will get discussed then