Waw, she is in love, need advice/support II

[SH_]

Her circus
Her monkeys, my friend.

Do what you would do at the circus.
Smile, enjoy the show, continue to choose to be lovingly detached from the craziness of it all.

Karma will do her job.

The truth will come out for you, for your D and for her.

Trust the process.
Don't rush the process.
Trust the process

Keep up the good work with DBing.
You will prevail.

[Zues126]

A good week with GAL activities and really getting a life did not went unnoticed, so I got accused that I think only of myself and that I am selfish.

She is so determined to leave, so unhappy that she does not have the means/abbility/courage to do so, and eventually she is obsessed with me, why I am happy and enjoying life without her?

I have changed. Maybe I have detached too much, but I simply don't care anymore to her tantrums and try not to get involved in never-changing arguments.
Two thing get me:
1. when she does this in front of daughter - don't insult me or my daughter because you are insecure!
2. when she makes up blatant lies about what I said, what I intend to do, and when I deny it she arguments: 'I know what I heard, are you trying to make me mental?'

Definitely have to work on how to handle those two responses well.

Bear, I'm newer to your sitch. Are there any plans to separate, or are you going to leave it up to her to take that action?

I'd say in response to her lying about what you said, I'd simply ignore it whenever possible (unless it was about something very important).

One solution that would solve BOTH problems would be to go to text/email only regarding anything regarding anything more than 'hello'. Email/text is great because:
-You can think before replying so all of your communication is in line with your goals.
-You have a record of everything that was said which protects you from lies, protects your daughter as she wouldn't be exposed, etc
-You both have an equal voice. No one can get talked over, even someone that is conflict adverse can get the forum they need to voice themselves.

I haven't spoken to XW in coming up on two years. Email/text only. No emotions, no R talks, no nothing. Just business, and the minimal number of words needed to accomplish the goal at hand. It has been the best thing for my sitch.

Good luck!

[Bear007]

Long time I was too busy with school starting and lot of activities this brings until schedules aligns.

I am well, made some personal bests in running, working great @work, and accomplishing some minor personal goals, so yeah, life is good.

She has totally lost it. OM has gotten a girlfriend, and spent summer with her, his Instagram post is full of pictures of how he is having great time with new girlfriend.
She gained weight, quit the gym membership, started eating junk, depressed almost all the time. I tried talking to her (I am not total jerk) about how to help her, but we are getting nowhere.

D10 is starting to show signs of puberty rebellion, still childish, but I see lot of her mothers behavior in her, and also mine behavior, reflecting like mirror.

[Bear007]

@SH_: thanks for the encouraging words,I believe the karma will do her job. Determined to live my life. With or without W.

@Zues126:

Are there any plans to separate, or are you going to leave it up to her to take that action?

I decided long time ago that I will not help her in separation, so all plans are her's, and I am letting her do the work. So if she wants to separate - be my guest, find a place to live. If she wants divorce - fine with me, but I will not help.
Since during relationship and marriage I was the one who did most if not all the hard work, I am not doing this - hardest - instead of her. She wants it - I am letting her to make it possible. I am not doing it for her.

One solution that would solve BOTH problems would be to go to text/email only regarding anything regarding anything more than 'hello'. Email/text is great

I will stick to text whenever possible but... she is still living in same household, and contact is unavoidable. Sometimes she starts talks and it is not always possible to get away-

[Bear007]

"Everything is proceeding as I have forseen" said my friend (qouting Star Wars) as really things are aligning as expected.

W is depressed, gaining weight, not working out, and all because of her imaginary OM has dissapeared from her life.
Job offers are not raining as she is really not searching for a job, but for a dream job.
She has not considered a thing I said (if serious about getting a job today - make linkedin profile, make online trace, network, connect, take freelance work...), she is still in a job hunt where she wants position and salary that might exist...

Lately her approach has soften, she is more tolerant and controls her bursts of anger, she even wants to hang out with me.

Considering about writing a journal, for my sanity... any ideas about some good cloud based online journal since I like/prefer writing but would hate if someone (like W) would read it.

[Bear007]

Long time I did not write anything. Lot has happened, and yet, things are the same.

She has moved back to bedroom in a moment that looked promising. There were up's and downs in the meantime, but she stayed. Looks like she has given up on OM.

Still, she has not found job, yet rejected 2 jobs because although they offered almost everything she wanted job was not paid enough (to her standards). Interesting enough that she never worked a real job and she knows what she is worth on the market. Not to say that 80% of her market/knowledge will be swept away by computers in next 10 years. Yes, she is overvaluing herself.

Good event that triggered me to write here again: she finally agreed to consultation, so I found excellent person and we are waiting on our first consultation.

I am a different person today - I don't know if I want to live my life with this person she has become... she is still highly manipulative, obsessed with the way she looks compared to fitness guru's on Instagram, spends about 5 hours daily on her mobile (mostly Facebook, Instagram and games). Yet she accuses me of hiding money from her, and accuses me of cheating, based on nothing than her 'hunch'. Of course, this hunches come from various FB articles '10 ways to know if he is cheating' and her own not-fulfilled infidelity.

[Bear007]

We went on 2 consultations in the meantime.

First consultation briefly was:
Therapist: decide what you want:
Me: I want to save marriage
W: I don't know
Therapist: you have 3 options we can work on, please decide. First is saving marriage, second is living together as friends for the benefit of the child, and third is divorce in friendly terms.
Also one simple question was raised for my W: when was the time you felt alone in marriage? When did thing start to fall apart.
I expected that answer: when 5 years ago we tried to have child, and she had miscarriage in 4th month.

After first therapy W cried whole day, her eyes were swollen when I came from work that day. After 2 weeks she did not decide anything.

In second therapy she decided: marriage cannot be saved, and since she can't divorce due to finance reasons only option is living together as friends for benefit of the child.
That is the point where therapist said that this is ok option, but for it to work, both partners need to be equal, and she is not equal due to her constant crying and lack of self-fulfillment. Therapist also noticed that she has few clients that have same school as my W and that she has not heard anyone complaint of not being able to find job, and asked my wife to question if the problem is in her.
After that she suggested for W to ask for professional help, different therapist who will work with her.

Last month was a rollercoaster, with first part beeing her angry with whole world, therapist, me (for taking child to grand-parents)...
Last 2 weeks were ok, we even had sex few times and she seemed happy.

Next therapy is later this week.

[AnotherStander]

In second therapy she decided: marriage cannot be saved, and since she can't divorce due to finance reasons only option is living together as friends for benefit of the child.

This is the problem with MC with a WAS, they feel like it forces them into a decision and that decision is never FOR the marriage.

Therapist also noticed that she has few clients that have same school as my W and that she has not heard anyone complaint of not being able to find job, and asked my wife to question if the problem is in her.

Well it's good that the C was challenging her, but that's probably why she cries all day afterwards is she feels like everyone is ganging up on her. Hopefully she'll seek out IC as it sounds like she desperately needs it.

Last 2 weeks were ok, we even had sex few times and she seemed happy.

So she's on board with living together, doing things as a family, and having sex with you. But she doesn't think the M can be saved. LOL! I swear there is no figuring out WAS logic.

What are you doing for YOU? What are your GAL activities?

[Treasur]

Do you get a vote, Bear?

[Bear007]

@Treasur: of course I have vote, but at the end my vote does not have to count. And I am ok with her decission, but I want her to act upon that decission. So far it has been a lot of 'I want' and lot less 'I did'

@AnotherStander: I have GAL activites, hobby and workouts, my part of family meetings... so at least I am keeping that part OKish.

Another counseling last week, this time it was going in rounds - who is guilty, for what, and even counselor said that it was horrifying how my W repeats same pattern.
Also C said that maybe I am abused because my W never said one good thing about me in whole counseling. And that if I am such a problem that C does not know what W is still doing with me.

That provoked W, but at the end she is still reluctant on changing anything. She has postponed IC because reasons... her doctor is on vacation, so she will do it later. She tried to blackmail me few times with 'if I must seek IC so must you, you need it more'.

C also clearly said: if you want to be emotionaly separated, what is with the sex. Emotional separation means that you can go out and seek another partner for yourselves. Neither of us had an answer for this.