JKsD.... How do you show WH that you are worth the effort or sacrifice?
Me54 WH48 S18 D16 M 22 T 24 EA-PA-EA 2011-2015 Separated 10/14 - 06/15 BD1 02/14 BD2 05/16 BD3 08/21/16 and began drinking again Working on me and liking me again
Sara, I so admire you and your strengths right now! All the best in your relocating Your lighthouse! Col
Me54 WH48 S18 D16 M 22 T 24 EA-PA-EA 2011-2015 Separated 10/14 - 06/15 BD1 02/14 BD2 05/16 BD3 08/21/16 and began drinking again Working on me and liking me again
I wish I was as strong a person as you. I continue to pray that you find the right outcome to your sitch. I can't get STBX out of my head either. Still resent her at times also.
I actually worked out also today! Awesome! Put on some 80s metal and did 15 minutes of weights and a 20 minute jog!
I hope for both our sakes the sadness passes soon!
Sleep well!
(((Sara)))
Thanks for letting me hijack your thread too! LOL!
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
Dear Sara, Good job on the validation. Svcks that your H is not at a stage where he can validate your hurt too. Maybe it's not just how your phrase your hurt but also when?
Your H sounds like he's still trying to make sense of the A and unguilt himself. But he has apologised or acknowledge the hurt he's caused you previously?
You may be new to the forum but I admire you for your fighting spirit and willingness to do what works.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Buxom, Just a disclaimer to let you know that I am D. I only came across the books and this site after the D.
Based on my theoretical knowledge of what's in the books, and my practical knowledge of what doesn't work, this is my 2 cents.
First of all, and this is from painful experience, don't pressure, don't cling, don't cry, don't spew.
What is your WH's complaint about you? Is it valid? If it is, then work on it. Not to win your H back, but to make yourself a better person because that's who you're going to be with for the rest of your life.
How do you feel about yourself? Do you think you're worth the sacrifice and effort? How have you changed from before the M? Do you prefer the you before or during M? Choose the one that you prefer and keep at it.
GAL, act as if. Have a positive pma. The advice that is all over the boards, they truly work. A happy, at peace and confident person is an attractive person.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Buxom, You show yourself that you are worth the sacrifice first. YOU matter. I straight up told my WH (last evening actually) that OW is a rock and I am a diamond. I said it calmly and with conviction, because it's a fact not an opinion. This would not have worked while he was in the affair but seems to be sinking in (achingly slow) over time. I truly believe it too. What kind of pathetic woman goes after a married man? A shell of a human being, a broken girl with daddy issues. JksD's advice is spot on, the changes you make are for yourself. I had to change how I reacted when feeling angry. My biggest mistake post dday and spewing and railing at WH. It made me look weak, pathetic, unhinged and I felt awful. It also served to push WH further away. So I had to ask myself why I kept using the same failing technique even though it had the same, detrimental results? Because I was using poor coping skills. Instead I learned to listen, not defend, validate and find someone I could vent to. MY WH still has very wayward thinking and it will take a LONG time for him to learn better methods.
JksD, WH and I are at very different stages in our journey. He's still taking the first baby steps while I am already jogging along. I have to remind myself that insight comes with time and very hard examination. WH has never been the type to examine his motivations and impulses very deeply so I can't expect a sudden eureka moment either. He apologizes when he hears about my poor sleep and occasional crying jags (I don't do this in front of him) but still hasn't come around to apologizing for his behavior leading up to, during and after the affair. I am not expecting that any time soon.
Jim, You're doing great man. You are working through an intensely challenging situation and I think you're a rock star. You're an absolutely fabulous dad and showing your boys what a real man. Keep up the good work and find good, solid distractions when you find yourself ruminating.
I got about 3 hours of sleep last night thanks to a teething baby and a 3 hour convo with WH on face time. He actually requested the convo and when I tried to end the call he asked for more and more time. We had a good, solid R talk and his thinking is sloooooowly changing. I will type the details later. This process of DB works, it's just a marathon and not a sprint. For patience challenged folks like me it can be the hardest and most wonderful thing ever.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
JksD, I popped my head in and gave my two cents. I am sending all my hopes and mojo in her direction. She's a classy lady and I think she will turn out ok not matter what happens.
So WH continues to call and we discuss our R and also the A. I slipped a bit today as he was talking about how he felt betrayed by the OW because she broke off the relationship in April and didn't give him a chance to get clarification. I work in mental health and counseling but even I have a limit to how objective I can remain. I mean...he's talking about feeling pain and betrayal because his AP broke it off and this is all going on under my nose after he promised to NEVER betray me again. Secret cell phones and active deception and I guess my sympathy just broke right off. I didn't spew or lose control but I did tell him that it really hurt to hear how much he was worried about her feelings and thoughts but basically treated me as disposable. He keeps trying to say we were barely communicating in April so somehow that excuses the re-activation of the affair. God I hate this stupid fog. Occassionally WH appears receptive to my thoughts on the matter and I've mentioned how affairs can be like drug addiction, a lot of the same chemicals are active in the brain and how breaking off the affair can feel like withdrawal. Tonight I sent him a link written by a WS describing how she managed withdrawals. (this was after he said he would be interested in reading it) He then said he needed a break from the phone convo and hung up. (not rudely, we had worked this out ahead of time, when one becomes overwhelmed then ask for some time to regroup) Interestingly enough I am not feeling the anxiety and fear I used to previously when he shut down. I am feeling mental fatigue and will be going out tomorrow to recharge my batteries but overall, I'm okay.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
So much conversation and things being shared between you two. A lot to process I am sure.
You have mentioned your habit of ruminating on many things and that you get caught in a loop sometimes in spite of progress and great actions on your part.
Check out these 2 Ted Talks that I have been reviewing and studying up on and hopefully you can pull some good ideas and actions that you can apply for yourself and your mental well being.
How to Stop Suffering - Morty Lefkoe The secrets to becoming Mentally strong - Amy Morin.
You are doing so well and being so patient, but I see some self destructive habits in what you share that are very well part of the process, but if not careful can lead to bad habits that can keep you spinning.
Check out the ted talks and let me know your thoughts as I think you will find them helpful.
Keep on keep's on as you are a warrior queen that many LBS must look to and learn from. I am super proud of you and what you have accomplished in such a short time.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
At the risk of generalising, men, especially WHs, are emotionally flooded very easily by R talks. Your WH sounds like he's still flooded easily but it's good that you have worked out a way to disengage whenever anyone feels overwhelmed.
Your pains and hurts are very valid. I hate to say this, but to your WH, his hurt and pains are also very valid in his warped universe. And everytime you try to convince him otherwise, or try to put across your POV, he is likely to feel defensive and attacked, even if that's not your intention.
Truth darts can be used but very sparingly at your stage. I really think that it's not just a matter of how you phrase it but also when you phrase it. You have laid your boundaries and your H is aware of them.
When both of you are on firmer grounds, you could set aside a tine to discuss the A. And this time it will be for you to express your POV. Do you think this would work?
Rock on suoerstar!
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
(whistle sound here)