If you have a spouse who is going through a midlife crisis- at any age- you will be blamed for everything that isn't going right in their life. Try as hard as you can to understand that it isn't personal. It is just the nature of the beast. Focus on yourself for a while. Be kind to yourself. Assume that your spouse has been abducted by an alien and wait patiently for his or her return. Visit here often to be reassured that working on your marriage is a valuable action even if your spouse doesn't think so right now. Hang in there! Michele Weiner-Davis
Divorce Busting May 24 at 3:44pm
The term, "midlife crisis" is a misnomer. Many people go through the same kind of questioning and unhappiness that defines a midlife crisis at different stages in life. Some are in their 20's, others are in their 60's. Chronology isn't the defining factor. One's thinking is.
Michele Weiner-Davis
Divorce Busting May 25 at 3:45pm
Sometimes people think that if there's a separation or an affair, that their marriage is probably over. If I believed that, I'd be out of a job. Most of the people I see are experiencing one or both of those situations. Although not every marriage can be saved, many can, even in the 11th hour.
As someone who's almost divorced (MLC spouse BDed, left and filed within 7 mos), but has been DBing since he left, these three resonate with me right now. Thanks Cadet.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
When I wrote Divorce Busting in the early 90's, the idea that people should work on their issues and keep their marriages together was almost revolutionary news. I was inundated with media attention. I really challenged the notion that getting out was better than working it out. Today, what's considered cutting edge is different; it's about personal satisfaction and following your heart. It's not about commitment or dedication to one's partner, it's about feeling happy and doing whatever it takes to feel alive. What do you think about this?
Michele Weiner-Davis
Divorce Busting May 27 at 11:51am
Hi, all. Today is my birthday and when I thought about what I want to do today, the most important thing to me is to be with people I love. Material gifts pale in comparison to the joy I feel being surrounded by the love of family and dear friends. I'm very grateful today. :-)
Michele Weiner-Davis
Divorce Busting 6/1/16 at 10:22am
I help couples set action-oriented goals. It's better to say, "I want you to make eye contact when we speak, and comment on the things I'm discussing," than, "I'd like you to be a better communicator." Always talk about your requests for change in concrete terms.
That's why Lily Tomlin had it right when her character in the play, "In Search of Signs of Intelligent Life in the Universe" said, "I always wanted to be somebody and now (as an adult) I guess I should have been more specific."
Need a chuckle today? I took a hike today with my neighbor, Sally Pane, who shared a personal insight with me. "I figured out that I tend to blame my problems on other people. But I got that from my mother." Michele Weiner-Davis
Divorce Busting 6/6/16
The spouse who wants out generally feels that they told their partner how unhappy they have been, and that their partners should have seen the divorce coming. But this isn't necessarily true. So many people have told me that they knew there were problems in the marriage, they just never thought that their spouses would leave because of the difficulties. Often, the divorce comes as a shock for that reason. It's devastating.
When you're healing from infidelity, you must expect intense ups and downs over an extended period of time. It's very challenging to experience a setback after the relationships has seemed on more solid ground, but these hills and valleys are the only way to get to the other side. Be patient.
Michele Weiner-Davis
Divorce Busting 6/8/2016 at 11:05am
If you're fighting for your marriage, you need to know that no matter what the outcome, you should feel good about yourself because you're making sure that you've done everything humanly possible to save your marriage. Kudos to you!
Divorce is forever. It's not an event that happens and then it's over. There is a ripple effect that impacts your life for generations to come. Future holidays and momentous events such as weddings, births, birthdays, funerals, and so on, are often uncomfortable, bittersweet gatherings. The reminders of broken relationships are lasting. Take this into account if you're thinking of leaving.... What do you think about this? Michele Weiner-Davis
Divorce Busting June 17 at 4:34pm
Divorce Busting is about being "smart" when it comes to fighting for your marriage. Unfortunately, when the "bomb drops," many people do and say things to their unhappy spouses that inadvertently makes matters worse. It's important to learn how to approach your spouse differently to soften their heart. Naturally, some reluctant spouses have their minds and hearts closed. But it's amazing to me how often things can change for the better. Stay hopeful. Stay smart. Do what works. Michele Weiner-Davis
Divorce Busting June 20 at 1:00pm · Some couples on the brink of divorce boast, "We never fight." Believing that staying clear of arguments a "good thing," is mythical thinking. Although research has indicated that some people can avoid conflict and have healthy relationships, many do not. This is especially true if you're harboring negative emotions. It could cost you your marriage. Rather than avoid rough conversations, learn effective ways to deal with conflict. It will make your relationship more authentic, genuine and passionate. Anything in life worth having is worth fighting for. Michele Weiner-Davis
Divorce Busting June 21 at 12:14pm · If you are more motivated to save your marriage than your spouse, you probably feel that the burden to "do the work" rests on your shoulders and it really isn't fair. Guess what. It isn't fair, but that's the way it is for the time being. You DO have to do most of the work. You DO have to watch what you say and do. You can't just say what you feel. It's hard work! You're definitely a warrior. Make sure you're taking care of yourself in the mean time. Stay the course! Michele Weiner-Davis
What's the one piece of marital advice that you think is absolutely golden? What have you learned about what it takes to make a marriage loving? Share your thoughts! Michele Weiner-Davis
Divorce Busting June 28 at 11:18am
Countless people have told me that when they went to a therapist to get help for their marital problems, the therapist told them that they should consider divorce after only 1 session! While it's true that couples wait a long time before seeking professional help, it's also true that NO ONE should declare a marriage dead on arrival because it's impossible to know about the changes that can occur with skilled help.
Michele Weiner-Davis
Divorce Busting 7/5/16
If you, or someone you know, is in the early stages of healing from an affair, it's important to realize that feeling crazy, depressed, anxious, is par for the course. For many people, it's hard to eat, sleep, think or even function. If you're going through this right now, don't judge yourself. Know that what you're experiencing is perfectly normal and that you will feel better eventually. Feeling better takes time. Be patient. Get help. ut whatever you do, don't judge yourself because of your inability to carry on as usual. It's part of the process. Michele Weiner-Davis
Due to rapidly changing weather patterns in Colorado there's a saying, "If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes." A similar phenomena is true for marriage. Research shows that two-thirds of unhappily married spouses who stay married report that their marriages are happy five years later. That's because people can change. If you wait out the storm, you can avoid the unintended problems brought about by divorce and keep your family together. Plus, believe it or not, you can become happier and more loving. Hang in there! -Michele Weiner-Davis
Divorce Busting July 12
Sometimes, when you're fighting for your marriage, there's a time when there's not much you can do to make things better. However, you can probably think of things you can do to make them worse. Whatever you do, restrain yourself from making things worse. Your reluctant spouse might outgrow the need to be apart and if your marriage is still on even keel, you might be the best place to land. Stay strong. Michele Weiner-Davis
Divorce Busting July 18
When couples argue, it is frequently the case that one spouse will say something conciliatory such as, "You're right," or "I get what you mean," or "I'll work on that," but the other partner doesn't acknowledge the extended olive branch and just keeps complaining about the problem. This feels demoralizing to the spouse who is trying to make amends. Listen carefully to your spouse. If he or she is trying to fix things, honor, acknowledge and appreciate it. Say, "Thank you for saying that." Your marriage will be a happier, healthier place if you do. Michele Weiner-Davis
Divorce Busting July 25
I've written lots of books, but I always say that I'd like to write a book entitled, IF I COULD LIVE MY LIFE BACKWARDS. It's appealing to me because I truly believe that we gain wisdom as we age. I would have done some things differently in the past if I knew what I know now. Maya Angelou once said, "People do the best with the tools they have. If they knew better, they would do better." (Or something like that). If I could live my life backwards, boy, would I ever be smart! How about you? What would you do differently if you could turn back time? Michele Weiner-Davis
After you've been fighting for your marriage for a long time and your spouse finally comes around, it is not uncommon for anger, resentment and other bad feelings to arise. After all, you've been managing these feelings for quite a while and being strategic to win your spouse back. But when these feelings erupt, people frequently begin to doubt whether or not they really want to stay in their marriage after all. Here's my advice: Those feelings are normal. Ride them out. Stay put. Over time you can deal with your feelings in healthy ways and keep your marriage intact. It's worth the work. Michele Weiner-Davis
Divorce Busting August 1 at 5:04pm · At The Divorce Busting Center, we get calls from people who have been in counseling for months or even years. They have found themselves spinning their wheels and often in worse shape than when they started off. Day after day, we hear horror stories about counselors who have announced people's marriages "dead on arrival" after just one session! We hear about well-meaning friends and relatives who encourage people to stop working on their marriages and go on with life. We know you might feel as if you're the only one in the world who believes your marriage is worth saving. If so, rest easy. Now, you're not alone. We're on your side. Call us. We can help. 303-444-7004 or 800-664-2435
Divorce Busting August 8 at 10:58am · The best thing people can do for their marriages is to make it the #1 priority over everything else in their lives, including their kids. We all need to feel treasured by the people we love. Agreed? Michele Weiner-Davis
Divorce Busting August 9 at 10:52am · Please be careful who you talk to about your marital problems. If you confide in family, they will probably take your side and develop negative feelings about your spouse. You don't need that in your life. The same is true about talking to some friends. Friends don't want to see you hurt and will encourage you to move on with your life. Therefore, only speak to people who understand that all marriages have their stormy periods and that working through these difficult times makes us and our relationships stronger. Choose your confidantes carefully! Michele Weiner-Davis
Divorce Busting August 11 at 1:01pm · Couples often are too busy to take out time to truly appreciate the good things in their lives- their accomplishments of their kids, their wonderful family times, their success as parents, providers, their hard work in their roles as caretakers to aging parents, their involvement with community activities and so on. Take out time to recognize and appreciate your hard work. You deserve it. Michele Weiner-Davis
Divorce Busting August 12 at 12:12pm · When a relationship is not working very well, people blame their partners and assume their partners are mean-spirited or intentional about their short-comings. I look at it differently. Healthy, loving relationships require skills that not everyone has learned in their lives. You can heal broken relationships by learning new skills at any time in your life. Yes, believe it or not, you can teach an old dog new tricks. Michele Weiner-Davis
Divorce Busting August 15 at 10:02am · La Maze instructors tell pregnant women that the last stage of delivery- transition- is the hardest. But it is also the quickest and the one with most reward. When I work with couples who are going through really difficult times, I often think about this last stage of delivery. Work through the transitional period and the rewards are great- the birth of a new and more healthy marriage. Michele Weiner-Davis
Divorce Busting August 16 at 11:02am · One of the biggest mistakes I see people make when considering divorce is to put the children in the middle. They do this by saying derogatory things about each other to the kids. They also put the kids in the middle by sharing too much information about the marital problems. This burdens children unnecessarily and unfairly. Kids need to be kids, not confidantes. Also, even if parents can't get along, kids need to have a good relationship with BOTH parents. They need that emotionally. If you or your spouse is considering divorce, first, get help. Work hard at keeping your family together. But if in the end, divorce is on the horizon, put your kids needs first. Don't use them as pawns. They didn't ask for the divorce. Michele Weiner-Davis
