My third post - please be nice

[Rose888]

I'm not caught up on your sitch, but do you guys have goals set up for your separation?

With a firm time frame (the six-month lease) you seem like good candidates for a separation with clear goals. There is a marriage therapist who has a book on using separations productively. You might want to check into that.

[collin]

Yesterday was a good day, I stayed busy and kept my mind occupied. It was the first day I haven't seen her since Monday. I got stuff done around here. But, then I woke up and it was fathers day. Now reality is crashing in. My D is with the grandparents at their yearly beach trip. It was during this week, while they were gone, 5 years ago I asked W to marry me. I can't wait for D to get home, I miss her. W is supposed to be coming over later on this afternoon and this evening we're all going out for fathers day. I am looking forward to her coming over and seeing her.

W sent me a really sweet text thanking me for stepping in to be a father to D since her bio dad wasn't man enough to be. I tried not to turn that text into a convo about our situation, so I just thanked her and told her I was looking forward to seeing her.

What I meant by us spending a lot of time together was, for example:

one of the foster dogs she has at her place pee's in the crate (A LOT!) so she had to wash all of the blankets. She wanted me to stay at her place with her until they were finished. It was late at night and personally I don't want her walking back and forth to the laundry room by herself at her place. It's not a bad place, it's just that I can't ensure her safety if she's there and I'm here. So, we walked over and she put the blankets in the wash and then we went back to her place. We laid in the bed and watched tv. She wanted me to hold her, so obviously, I did. Nothing sexual happened, just us laying in the bed watching TV. It felt nice. Finally about 2 am the stuff got done and I came back here to go to sleep.

So, I don't know if that's me being a nice guy or what it is. We did talk on the phone for a few minutes last night. Not about anything in particular, just talking. When we got off it was all I could do to not say "I love you". I don't know if I should go down that path now or what. Or, maybe I should just wait for her to.

[bigybiz]

collin: Sounds like you are doing a good job at resisting your emotions. We know that the"I wuv you" is problematic. Best to try and skip it or come up with a neutral placeholder. For years I used terms of endearment for my W e.g. Honey, babe, sweetheart, etc. Once the in house sep really took hold I had to do something else. Saying her name sounded to formal and awkward. I implemented Cio Bella on goodbyes, and partner, pally, etc for general convo. I felt it was a happy medium. Not emotional, but familiar. So maybe something like that could work? Think of it as a secret code.

Careful on the physical stuff. During the in house Sep occasionally we would kiss, etc (yes physical touch is my love language). From time to time and as recently as Sunday night she was telling me I forced myself on her. She completely "forgets" her flirting with me and other ways of letting her latent feelings slip out. So be careful. It's so tempting and easy to slip into old habits - but that is what DB and DR is about smashing the old habits.

You are doing great.

[collin]

Wow, has it really been almost 10 days since I last posted? I've been trying to keep myself busy. Saturday I tried to pretend like I was a master plumber - and then soon realized I was NOT. But, I managed to keep my mind occupied most of the day.

Sunday morning I went over to W's place and we watched a movie. After that went back to the house and did stuff around there and then went for a jog. Grilled out chicken for dinner and then D and I took it over to W's place and ate over there.

This week is my week with D and I am really enjoying our time together. We got a chance last night to watch our TV show and ate ice cream together. Tonight we talked about going for a jog together. But that all depends on the weather. Hoping the weather cooperates.

[bigybiz]

Collin: I've been keeping my word and praying for you. I hope that helps to know. Any more MC?

[collin]

I don't know what happened last night. She came by last night and it was like she was looking for a fight. D and I were sitting in the house and listening to music. We had just ate and then W shows up and it was almost like she couldn't stand to see us actually enjoying ourselves without her. I don't know if that's what it is or not. Later that night she texted and come to find out she has ran out of her Rx, so she hasn't been taking it.

Yesterday's interaction was one of the worst since she moved out. I know I shouldn't put too much stock in it since we're still in month 1. But I just hated to see her leave on a bad note.

[collin]

I'm not doing well. I don't know what it was about the long weekend but I just felt like it all came crashing down. I showed up at her place yesterday morning in pieces. I was a wreck. I poured out my heart to her and told her how I felt. I asked her to come home. But she said she's not ready to. I get it, I wasn't really expecting her to. But, then it hit me and she denied it, but she's scared of being hurt. Her first husband hurt her and then I hurt her, so now I've got to figure out how to lower the wall around her heart.

Last night she wanted ice cream so I brought her ice cream and we watched tv, she laid on my chest and I wanted to just stay there forever.

I need to figure out how I should maneuver this. I need to show her I'm strong (which obviously me showing up at her place a blubbering mess didn't accomplish) but I love her and want her to know it. She always says I don't love her, I'm in love with the idea. I know that's part of her fear. She's deflecting. But I don't know how to prove to her she's wrong.

[collin]

Oh, one more thing. I tried to mention going back to counseling. I thought MC went really well and I thought she did too. Because after it, we talked about it. Everything seemed really positive. Now she's saying she doesn't need counseling to fix our marriage, that she knows the problems and that I was trying to play the blame game during it. I told her I wasn't that I know our issues are a result of my actions (or lack of). But, I don't know. Is this all part of fear? Is she running? Does she not want to take into account she has hurt me? Every time I mention it, she deflects.

What do I do? I feel like we need to get back to counseling, because I think it's very helpful. But I can't just drag her there against her will. Should I maybe keep asking in passing if she would like to go? Or just put it aside for a while?

I almost feel like she's scared to go, because she's scared it may hurt.

[doodler]

What do I do? I feel like we need to get back to counseling, because I think it's very helpful. But I can't just drag her there against her will. Should I maybe keep asking in passing if she would like to go? Or just put it aside for a while?

collin,

Short answer: You need to work on yourself.

Longer answer: You need to work on yourself a lot. Forget MC and go to IC. Get a life (GAL). Leave your wife alone. You're oozing with neediness and clinginess; so much so that I'm not even attracted to you.

[sandi2]

I need to figure out how I should maneuver this. I need to show her I'm strong (which obviously me showing up at her place a blubbering mess didn't accomplish) but I love her and want her to know it. She always says I don't love her, I'm in love with the idea. I know that's part of her fear. She's deflecting. But I don't know how to prove to her she's wrong.

You are going about this the wrong way.