By now you likely realize you're seeing a point in time. Not good and not bad - just a point in time.
Hang in there. Sounds like a lot of back and forth. Don't read into the pictures and such. They're nice and these are nice moments to enjoy. Doesn't mean they predict the future or re-color the past.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Yes, lots of back and forth. Interesting couple days here.
Thursday she called me because the place she took her car was trying to tell her a bunch of things were wrong and charge her $800. I told her she needed to do a search for a foreign repair shop and take it somewhere else. I asked if she wanted me to take care of it and so I found one called and got her all set up to go in. The guy was super nice and told me he sees this a lot. She took it in and there was nothing wrong with it and he didn't charge her anything. We had another set of nice interactions afterwords thanking me for helping her.
Yesterday w was acting weird. Very short on the phone to let me know about coming and then told me I could put an app on my phone to track them on their trip, I said idt that is necessary (how strange, hmm is she tracking me?). I had planned on taking the kids to a carnival today but they were super pumped and s sounded sad not to go when they got here. On the way w put s on the phone to tell me where they were and when she got closer she texted to ask me what I told him about it even though I know she heard. I told her I planned on tomorrow but they were excited. I asked if she would like to go and she said she would love to.
When they got here she looked awful. She got cleaned up and we all went and had a good time and joked around, and had a few good laughs but I could see it was like a switch flipping on and off in her, I could literally see it in her look. It was a nice night.
At one point I mentioned her weekend plans and she asked how I knew. I told her she told me when we talked earlier in the week. She couldn't remember telling me. She was texting a little and disappeared for a little bit, hmm. Before we left to go I told her she could stay in the guest room so she didn't have to drive home late. She said she'd think about it. Things seemed good until we got home, then I could really see the pain on and off in her face. She was trying not to cry and left somewhat abruptly and made up an excuse about needing to go home. She left for her drive after midnight. I told her the room was there and I was worried but didn't press it I also told her to go to her friends and she said she'd be mad if she woke her to stay. Okay then, not a friendly thing to do....but I didn't say anymore.
An hour and half later she texted and told me thank you for offering to let her stay but that she couldn't because she read the awful things I wrote on the legal forms for custody about her being a bad person and a heinous mother. Of course I didn't write the things she thinks but that's what she got out of it. I wrote about her actions, how they were unstable, the OM, how I'd been on my own with the kids a lot, etc. (they are not easy questions to answer and are geared for one parent seeking sole custody, likely in a bad position, and not for a situation where shared custody should be in place, I imagine her lawyer got some new info too). I told her I didn't think of her that way and I would always be grateful for her and our time together.
Idk if it was good but we ended up talking on the phone. I could really feel how depressed she was, the things I wrote were true and she couldn't deny them; however, she is still trying to justify them. I think seeing them in writing and with the guardian attorneys recommendation coming up it piled up on her.
I assured her I didn't think she was a bad person or mother but didn't let her off the hook for her actions, I told her those things did happen and I didn't ask for any of it. She tried to defend them, lessen them saying it wasn't a common occurrence (I didn't tell her I kept a journal), I listened but didn't validate. It was crazy, poor me stuff (e.g. what was I supposed to do drink and drive? I had to stay at a friends. He only gave me emotional support until later on, how is that an affair? You wanted me to go out with friends, history rewriting, etc). I could hear the pain and confusion, she just doesn't get how her actions were wrong. She asked how I thought she put the kids in a questionable environment and I told her about her starting an affair with om while living in my home and how he can't have their best interests in mind in doing such, that those are the actions of a broken person, and now she has introduced the kids to him. She had a feeble reply but she knows it is wrong. I put a few truth darts out there but not to much, i really don't think she could take it and would feel attacked when I want her to think. I did listen, and listened even if it was wrong, crazy, etc. I stayed calm and consistent, I'm in such a better place than where I started. I apologized for making her feel detached, growing apart, not having a "we" marriage, and said how those are normal problems relationships face and I would never intentionally hurt her. She tried to carry this back in time further, maybe she did feel that way but she didn't show it to me. I made no more apologies, they were well-intended and necessary but maybe not at this point in time as I felt it was fuel for her. She still has not taken any credit for any faults, not one.
Our conversation got cut off. She texted later to tell me she didn't hang up. I told her I know and to drive safe but to call if she needed to stay awake and we would talk about something else. I figured she could stew and we didn't need to extend our conversation. She thanked me again for the room offer and said she'd be fine. I did text this morning to let her know I was worried and wanted to make sure she got home okay, thanked her for the night, and reiterated that I don't think of her as she said. I also told her if she wanted to continue where we got cut off to let me know and left it at that.
I can see there is a lot going on in her mind right now. I think she's confused and her feelings must be consuming. I'm staying calm, consistent, and positive, trying to be a lighthouse and act in a way where I won't have regrets regardless of what happens. I think it's making her think, or at least not giving her justification for her thoughts and actions.
W and I have had friendly contact since last week. W was a little upset still at the beginning of the week but got better. She was in town Tuesday so I invited her to get a smoothie with us. She came along but was cold towards me, she even rode in the back of the car with the kids. When we got home she jumped with them on the trampoline and things got a lot better and she was nice by the time she left. We've been texting this week. Mostly about kids but we've had a few conversations veer away from them and sending funny emojis back and forth. Today she texted asking if we were having a good day and last night she asked them to talk to me after they talked. Not getting my hopes up but it is a step forward. Strangely, the last few nights I've had to text her to call the kids before bed though. She made it a point to tell me she was at step in laws twice. She is in town tomorrow and taking them in the afternoon until I get off work and then planning on stopping over Tuesday evening.
The kids and I have been having a great week. We went to the movies Friday night, to an 80s barcade, horse carriage ride, and library yesterday, and I took them to pick out a birthday gift for w today then played the rest of the day. W sounded surprised when I told her what we were doing today, told me it wasn't necessary and thanked me, and we joked a little texting.
The guardian attorney was supposed to let us know her decision last week, she had planned for the previous week but asked me to do a drug test when I was out of town and I had to wait a couple days and the results weren't back until Monday last week (I think it is a good sign she asked me for it). She emailed me Thursday to ask how the last exchange went, I hope also a good sign. I've been doing well staying calm and consistent but I woke up super early Saturday worried about it. I was having dreams about w all night so I think that was partly to do with it. I'm dealing with it, there is nothing I can do that I'm not already. I've had to ward off a little depression related to my anxiety but I think I'm doing alright. I feel like I'm doing okay except for the gal aspect. I'm struggling there.
I mentioned having my kids pick out something for w for her birthday today. So what does one get for their MLC spouse for their birthday? I don't want to seem pursuing but I don't want to get her something lame either. I picked out a nice necklace with the kids for Mother's Day and I've never seen her wear it (I have seen her wearing the jewelry we got her for Christmas, but she quit wearing anything I got her before BD that was the norm).
I hope everyone had a good weekend. I've been following along but not posting much.
Thanks Bttrfly. The kids picked out a neat elephant decoration for w (she loves elephants) that I think she will really like. I was thinking card too but this is an area I feel I failed at since we got married. IDK, I'm confused, I feel like I should get her something but don't want to seem pursing.
W has been over the last 2 days. She was over at noon and the evening yesterday and again tonight. Yesterday, when she was at my house at lunch her eyes were kind of glossy, not high or shark-like though. IDT she was crying either because I know how she looks when she cries. She was acting weird and asked me "what?" when she came in. I complimented her dress (haven't seen her in her concert get up for awhile) and she thanked me and warmed up. She was still acting funny when she came in, after a couple minutes she told me she wanted to show me something. She showed me a selfie of her and a heavy metal rock star and told me her friend (MLC friend) took her to the concert and a meet and greet the night before for an early bday present. I think this MLC friend (the one she moved kids in with for awhile) may be just as toxic to our marriage as OM. She told me about how she met and talked for a little bit, how it was weird but cool (I'm leaving out details), about how she got more time than the other people, and about the freaky people who also had meet and greet tickets poking fun at them, and the concert. Shortly after she got a text, laughed and showed me a picture of her friend and her picture with him framed in a heart. She told me how cool it is she is going to concerts that her parents didn't let her go to as a teenager. No S!.. Your parents didn't let you go to heavy metal concerts on your own in Philly when you were 15, lol. Lots of thoughts going through my head but I kept quiet and listened; I can see what is going on now. She also mentioned something similar last week because there was a concert we could hear last week when we took the kids to the carnival. Really, I think it is a good sign she wanted to share but I can see she is in a similar place as almost a year ago. Now that I can see what is happening I wonder how long she will/can chase all this.
Last night we she brought the kids over she asked if she could stay a bit. I could see that switch flipping in her again. She would look miserable one minute and then fine the next while I played with the kids. I told her she could eat with us but she said no thanks. She hung out for a couple hours before she left.
When she came back over for a couple hours tonight she looked and acted better the whole time. All four of us jumped on the trampoline for quite awhile and talked to me with less tension then yesterday. She came in and hung out for a little while too. The kids asked about me visiting like her and she told me I was welcome to come over while she had the kids. Not as easy for me when I have no need to travel there but I will make it a point to go.
She did mention waking up really early this morning so I know she is anxious about the guardian attorney's recommendation too. Still waiting to hear back and school starts in 2 weeks...
I don't mean to be focusing so much on w but that is what is going on now as I'm having more contact with her. I think staying calm and consistent with her (I feel tested now and again) is very very slight progress at this time, but when I listed to her I know she is in replay/has baking to do.
Hi Kyh, Overall congrats on keeping it neutral. I offer the reminder to keep expectations to zero right now for your own peace of mind. This is a looooooong haul. Keep doing what you're doing. I think you did fine with the gift. If you opted for something from just you, maybe something very small with a low $ value ... does she like chocolates? or maybe you could give her flowers with a neutral card? i would be cautious in going much further than that, but defer to the more experienced people here like Job or Lou.
Thanks for checking in on me! xoxoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
!!! I just got the guardian attorney's recommendation and it went in my favor!!! Great news for all four of us even if w doesn't realize it yet! W already told me she's moving back to town here. I think this could be a world shaking she needs to start waking up.
I found out some other things too (OM broke up with her) but I need to get back to work and will have to post later. I'm just so excited and relieved I had to share.
Crazy night here. When w called today upset she asked if I would be willing to do shared custody. I told her yes but we should talk when she comes to get the kids (she was supposed to take them to a company bbq this evening) and wanted me to have them next week. I guess she didn't even consider it might not go her way. She also told me she contacted the school to let them know they would be going. I thanked her and told her I appreciated her doing that.
She came over this evening and is an absolute wreck. I'm really worried for her. She's seen what she's done in writing from an outsider. She keeps saying how horrible of a person she is and how she is a terrible mother. I reassured her she isn't and she said how am I not for what I've done, I don't deserve the kids, etc. The she went out to her car and back in a few times and then left to walk. Before she left I told her I had been thinking of taking the kids to the movies and asked if she wanted to go, that they would enjoy it. She said no but when she was out walking she texted and said she'd go to the movies if she was "allowed."
After we got back there was a little more of the same conversation, plus her telling me she signed a year lease, can't get out, had to take a demotion to come back, will have to get a second job to try to make it work, and more about how horrible she is. I told her she wasn't, that there were some bad choices made but she wasn't a bad mother or person. I gave her examples of her being a good mom to the kids. At times I could see that poor little hurt girl in her, so sad. She told me how she didn't have a family, how she was a failure, didn't deserve love, etc. I told her we were her family and she would always be loved. I also gave her a hug (maybe a mistake), she didn't give it back but didn't pull away or anything either, just stood there depressed.
I asked her if she wanted to stay in the guest room because it wasn't safe for her to drive. She said she couldn't and left. She said something concerning before she left (my whole life has been awful and I've failed at everything, it has to end sometime) and it made me really worried for her. I told her again that we were her family and she would always be loved. Then she sent a text (tell the kids I will always love them) that made me more concerned. I called and she was out walking on the greenway. Not safe late night. I reiterated that she was not a bad mom or person and that I was worried for her, she told me she wasn't going to hurt herself but I'm really concerned for her wellbeing. I texted and she finally replied and told me she was staying at her friend's house tonight so I finally feel better. I was contemplating calling the police. She is supposed to call tomorrow and come see the kids again. I know MLCers can be manipulative, etc. but I'm genuinely concerned for her wellbeing, she is very depressed. She has so much pain coming to the surface. I could really see that hurt little girl stuck in her.
Through the letter I got today I found out that the OM breakup was a few weeks ago, about the time she called out of the blue and started being friendly with me texting, etc. In hindsight, I can see she started spending time with step in-laws about then too. The letter said it was because he wasn't ready for a relationship and blending a family.
I stayed calm and consistent through tonight. I hope I didn't seem pursuing but don't think I did. I think I was just there and supportive as I could be. I'm actually surprised she wasn't angry towards me.
I wasn't going to say anything to the kids yet but s has been asking me at least once a day about school. He asked me when I got home and I told him he was going to go to the same school as last year. He got so excited and started stemming really bad and said I didn't want to say anything but I was worried I'm so happy to go back to (school name). They immediately got worried about seeing w though until I told them she was coming back to the same town.
Such a relief to know I'm not loosing custody of the kids and to be able to do what is best and share custody.
Kyh, I'm very happy to read that you aren't losing custody and can share the custody. That has to be a huge weight off of your shoulders at this time.
I think you've been handling your situation w/class and dignity. Keep up the good work. Continue to dig deeper for patience.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you again job! All day I kept thinking dig deeper for patience, at first for her anger then for our r.
I texted W to make sure she was okay this morning. She asked to come see the kids and stopped over. She went to her friends and it was obvious she talked with her friend and was now angry. She started talking to me and was saying how unfair the decision was was, referring to a few specific points in the letter. I listened and let her talk and she calmed down. We talked a lot more about things that have happened leading to this and then she talked about moving back and how she's going to Have to get a second job, and she doesn't know what she's going to do. Idk if she is trying to make me feel sorry for her or just that worried. She asked if she could take the kids for lunch them asked if I wanted to go. I asked if she really wanted me to, she didn't really reply. We ended up talking another hour and by then things were better. I spotted a new tattoo on her. I asked her about it and she showed me. I told her it was really good and we ended up talking about it for a long time. I could tell she was surprised I wasn't critical. We decided to go out for pizza then we walked around downtown and then had smoothies. We came home and ended up talking more, then jumped with the kids and talked more. She kept talking about needing a place to live and how hard it would be, she also talked about needing to find a truck to move, how she didn't know how she was going to move, etc. I apologized for some things that I needed to and she finally apologized for some of her actions. She accused me of telling my family about her A and told me she knew my mom was talking bad about her. I told her I haven't told anyone but the attorneys, if, and step mil but she wasn't believing me. I told her again I hadn't because I didn't want her judged and that I was humiliated. She told me she was also humiliated and that she was sorry. When things got too serious I told her, let's stop, let's talk about tattoos again, we did and the mood changed back friendly. We hung out and talked but she was also looking up rentals and showing them to me while we outside, at one point sitting next to me for a little while, then she put a little distance between us. After awhile we took the kids to the park.
When we got back we talked a little more, I told her I addressed some of her legitimate complaints about my mom and apologized for not doing it when I should have. She asked how and then thanked me and said at least it might help your brother and sister. She told me some things that she has been resentful about, some years before we got married. Then told me she has been talking to a cousin of mine and that another cousin asked her if she left me for another man, then said it came from my mom. I've never said anything to any family so idk wth. There is a friend of ours that w lived with when we met that told some of my extended family something was wrong with w. If she knew maybe she told them but I didn't say anything. Maybe the pieces just fit. I told her I was sorry and I didn't know how anyone else could know and that I wouldn't allow my mom to talk bad about her no matter what. She thanked me. Before she left she asked if I had stuff to make pancakes (I've always made pancake breakfast on weekends since we've had kids). Then she said she would bring over bacon in the morning if that was okay, do she's coming back in the morning.
She dropped lots of no hope hints but I'm staying positive and consistent with how i needed to change so maybe she can see that sompi
