Lost at the moment (2)

[lfm]

Thanks guys! Reading the last couple of posts made me laugh.

Last night barely had any contact with my W, had to work late, got home, she was at the pool. Decided to go work out, got back about an hour and a half later, ate dinner, showered, watched tv for a bit, but then we both started getting ready for bed. i sat down on the bed first to watch tv, she was pacing back and forth and kept looking at her phone (I assume looking for texts from OM). As she seemed frustrated, I got up, grabbed my tablet and went into another room.

Got my youngest to bed and then went back into the MBR watched a little bit of tv, rolled over and tried to go to sleep. Barely said a word to her all night outside of small talk - "Thanks for having dinner ready" things like that.

We'll see how tonight goes.

[lfm]

Haven't posted anything for a couple of days. Had a good GAL night last night, took my three youngest daughters out to the house that's just about finished and then took them out for ice cream. Left my wife by herself, knowing she was going to get out on her own.

The girls had a lot of fun with the ice cream, and it got them out of the apartment for a while.

I hope everyone has a great end to the week and a great weekend!

[lfm]

Well, stepped in it a couple of nights ago. Got sucked into a relationship discussion, where my wife indicated there is no future for us and that she feels zero connection to me anymore. This was said with much more anger and venom than I have heard previously.

I did not do a good job of handlilng this and indicated after we move into the new house in a couple of weeks that I would start working on finding an attorney to start divorce proceedings and that we need to start having discussions with the kids to let them know that we are going through some struggles and trying to figure things out.

At this point I'm not sure exactly what to do as I don't want to get a divorce but know that I've put that out there and indicated a time frame, I feel like I need to follow through on it. I guess I said it just to see how my WW would respond. I'm sure others out there have been in this same circumstance, so any advice would be appreciated.

I did say to my WW this morning that we need to start working on defining responsibilities and and schedules for when we get into the new house. She looked really sad when I said this and didn't say anything in response. I know feelings change, but feel like I've kind of painted myself into a corner with the statement about finding an attorney and starting the divorce process. I feel like if I back off from that and don't follow through that I'm continuing to be a doormat and letting her do as she pleases with no consequences, and if I follow through I'm being strong, but pursuing a course of action I don't really want.

[Coconut]

Not for nothing lfm, but we told you not to follow the time frame before and to put your foot down and set your boundaries, and again I'll say this time frame doesn't matter, if you don't want a D don't file.... Actions buddy, actions speak volumes, words are empty.

Set your boundaries and follow through. What boundaries have you thought of?

[Zephyr]

lfm, we all understand the emotional swirling that you must be feeling.

denial of what is happening, that you are being betrayed by your should mate, that everything you have been building could be stripped away in a flash...this is not easy.

you are trying to find a way t9 snap this back to the way it was. here is a hint for why that won't work...first she doesn't want to right now and seriously things weren't as good as you think, we're they? something was not right. THAT is what you need to focus on.

yes, the house is coming fast, thst is not a time line that you can expect to work with...too fast.

you have been with this woman for over two decades. that is a long time and it will take a seriously long while until lasting changes can be made. so you have time here to search your soul and really get to heart of your issues.

but as nuts has mentioned, as well as a few others...you have t9 decide what your boundaries are and what you will do.

does your consequence HAVE to be divorce, ultimately it may. do you want to be divorced? is that your ultimate goal here? are there other things that you can do to show your wife that you are no longer going to tolerate the open disrespect?

have you spoken to an individual councillor yet. IC can be a good way for you to work theough your boundaries. if they are not willing to do this, find one thst will. ic is not a one size fits all.

have you spoken with a db coach?

have you spoken to a lawyer yet?

what is support outside of the db forums?

we are with you lfm...we truly are!

[lfm]

Thanks Coconut and Zephyr. I know I was reacting to my frustration, and let me emotions get the better of me. I feel like I have set things back to the beginning where any progress had been made has been lost.

As far as boundries, I've communicated 2 so far, but am struggling a bit with consequences for breaking those boundries.

The two I've communicated are:
1) If she's going to be on the phone with him, she needs to leave the apartment or house so that it's not around myself or the kids.
2) When we get into the house, she needs to figure out where she is going to sleep as she can no longer sleep in our bed in the MBR as long as this is going forward. I can't enforce this in the apartment we are in as there is no place for her to sleep outside of the MBR.

Zephyr - in response to your questions, I have not seen an IC or spoken with a DB coach. I'm planning on starting things with a DB coach after we move into the new house. I need to look into IC, I've got good benefits for that through work, but have not explored that yet.

In terms of a lawyer - I have not spoken to one yet, but am taking off work the full week of the move, and am planning to speak with at least one that week, just to get a better understanding of what exacltly I'm looking at in terms of process, what is needed and what my options are. There are 2 options that I'm aware of in Nebraska - legal separation and divorce.

I appreciate the support guys!

[AndrewP]

In my own case I first spent some time going through and identifying which L to deal with and then contacted them to find out how they would handle my sitch. There are L rating sites out there (no external links allowed here) which gave me good insight into who to put on my short list. Don't take the first L you find in the Yellow Pages - check reviews, make sure they have experience in what you are dealing with first. Here in my area there is something called "collaborative law" which is a lower cost option. You may want to see if that is available to you as well. It still ends up in the same place but with (so they say) less stress and cost. I'd suggest starting the research and contact process now and then you can schedule a face-to-face with your short list while you are off. It's what I did.

I ended up going with the one from my short list who was the most prompt in getting back to me because being able to turn around any issues in a timely fashion was important. They were also exclusively a family law practice with experience in both collaborative law and divorce. Most L around my area dabble in a bit of everything. When I met with the L, I was very impressed because she "listened" and seemed to understand that although I may be starting the process that I wanted to avoid a D and agreed on an initial plan that would go stage by stage and allow for W to back out at any time. Having a plan has also helped me a lot because now I feel more in control.

Things ended up not working for me the way I'd planned it. W had been going on yet again about moving out like she had for months but even more so. Then one morning she found the cheque I had written to the L clearing through the bank account and asked what it was. I'd not planned on acting for another week when I'd have more stuff together. Her initial reaction was "good". I then gave her a letter I'd written asking her to reconcile but stating that if she didn't want to or didn't respond in a "reasonable time" then I would go legal to end the marriage. I avoided a specific date myself and seem to have done things in the opposite order to you.

I think that the fact that I obviously had a plan in place made things more "real" for her as perhaps did the phrase "end the marriage" vs "separate". I still have no idea where it's going and I've now waited almost 3 weeks. I've been counselled by people who know W and who I trust to be extra patient and so far it's seemed to be working out as she's been quiet about leaving and seems to be making an effort to reconnect. It could just be my imagination though too.

Since you've given a date you need to stick with it - in some fashion at least even if it just giving her the name of your L and asking for her's and requesting an initial meeting. She doesn't need to know how much or little you've done. It will make things more "real" and let her know that her cake eating days are coming to an end one way or another.

Money wise - I've only paid for an hour's consult but the L says that they'll keep my file active and that if I proceed then they'll need about $2000 to start as a retainer.

Good Luck.

[lfm]

Thanks for that insight AndrewP. I appreciate the info and definitely plan on speaking with more than one Lawyer. The one I'm starting with is a referral from the Employee Assistance Program I have through work, which means on some level he's been vetted out, but definitely want to find someone who will meet the needs of the situation.

Even if I do go down this path, we're going to have to have a co-habitation agreement for a while. My WW does not have a full time job right now, although she's been looking and had some interviews. Not that her finding a full time job changes anything, but then at least I know she'll be more capable of taking care of herself if we need to sell the new house.

[doodler]

Even if I do go down this path, we're going to have to have a co-habitation agreement for a while. My WW does not have a full time job right now, although she's been looking and had some interviews. Not that her finding a full time job changes anything, but then at least I know she'll be more capable of taking care of herself if we need to sell the new house.

lfm,

What do you think your WW would do if you lost your job? Would she be upset with you and immediately leave and move in with the OM? Or possibly, would she try to find any full time job so that she could help you while you look for another job?

[lfm]

Good question doodler,

At this point I believe she would do what she could to support me while I found a new job. That's the one thing that seems to be different with her from the other WW spouses that I've read about on the board. She has made sure that her responsibilities to the household and to the kids are always taken care of and outside of not being there at bedtime from time to time she has remained present and engagedd with her responsibilities.

That's why it's been difficult for identifying consequences for breaking boundries, becuase outside of texting, phone calls and occaissionally taking off to go see OM (maybe 1-2 times a week), she is doing everything that she would without being a WW.

It's a very unusual situation compared to what I've read about from the others on the board.