Chapter 3. Let the detachment begin

[sandi2]

She still sees it being her home, where she can come & go whenever she choses and she can do whatever she wants to it. She has her rented house and she has this house....which happens to be the family's home.

I think you cannot afford to wait around in setting ground rules. She doesn't like it b/c everything is your way? Fine, then she can go back to her house and do things her way. This is your house. She's the one who invited herself and started changing sheets, etc. I bet she would have a hissy fit if you went to her house and did anything!

Sometimes, it takes bluntness with a WW. Do not let her come over every Saturday to clean, b/c she's just edging her way into the house. She is nowhere close to wanting to cooperate. She wants back in the house, and wants to take over. So, what do you plan to do about it?

[Coconut]

Gents:

Thanks for your posts. You touched upon the thing that I struggle with. How do I know what is working? Is it when she talks about reconciling, Is it when she reenters her old life as a wife and mother i.e. caring for all of us, ask me about my day, work, offering to help with projects, is it when she is upset about the things I'm doing in my GAL.

How do I know what's working? Recently when she has reentered her old life, she later says I pressured her into it.

So I struggle with knowing what works.

Bigybiz, I haven't been following your sitch, so if what I say feels off it may be, but I want to make a comment, so take it for what it's worth. You've been M to you W for 20 years, I think you know when she is sincere trust in that. I don't know if she is WAW or WW, but either may make her different, but when you see true sincerity, you will know it. If you don't believe to the core of your being, then it's most likely not sincere.

As for the house, like Sandi said, it's your house not hers and she needs to know that. If your neighbor had a key and was making themselves a little too comfortable, coming over at will and doing things a neighbor shouldn't, would you consider changing the locks? If so, then I would say do it. Put a boundary around your house, make it clear she's only welcome when invited, she'll get the hint. I might also suggest getting those locks that you can change the key for yourself, that way if she makes a copy of the kids key, you can easily and cheaply change them again. Make it clear this is your families house, and she left it.

[SH_]

Gents:

Thanks for your posts. You touched upon the thing that I struggle with. How do I know what is working? Is it when she talks about reconciling, Is it when she reenters her old life as a wife and mother i.e. caring for all of us, ask me about my day, work, offering to help with projects, is it when she is upset about the things I'm doing in my GAL.

How do I know what's working? Recently when she has reentered her old life, she later says I pressured her into it.

So I struggle with knowing what works.

bigy, read your post here. Everything you ask is based on her and how she reacts.
You have received overwhelming advice that all that you do must be focused on you now. Not one thing that you do going forward can be with an expectation towards her. until you can understand this, feel this and act with this you are still dancing to her circus music. It is time for you to cut the puppet strings my friend. Get out of the cheeseless tunnels already.

You need a direction. You need some goals that are not attached to outcomes or behaviors of others. You need to determine who and what you want to be.
Without these things you will never know what works and what does not. Because you do not have a clear picture of what you want.

Think about it this way. You control only one thing in this life. That one thing is you. Yourself. Your thoughts your actions. Just you.
You must be true to yourself. You must be who you know and desire to be. You can not be what someone else wants you to be. That is a cheeseless tunnel. The longer you try to make changes based on what you think will impress her or anyone else you are never going to be true to yourself and who you are.

We hear the statement be the person only a fool would leave. What does this mean? What does this person look like? What do you need to do to be that person?
IMHO this person will look different for each of us. But this person must be true to each of us, and only each of us can know what that person looks like. Now the fools that leave have an idea of what they want. But sometimes it is not going to be the person that the fool will leave. You must be okay with this.
She may not even know what that person looks like. But that will because she has work to do on herself to even see the person that a fool would leave.
Make sense yet?

To clarify , make your list of things that you know you must fix and do to be the person only a fool would leave. Be true to you when you make the list. Do not add things to the list that you think she would add to the list, because then it is her list not yours. Be honest when you make the list and don't try to be someone that you are not.
Now take the list and do what you must to be the person a fool would leave. If the fool leaves. You will be fine. If she works on herself and stays then you will be fine.

My final point for you to ponder. You regularly ask for specific feedback and steps to follow . I get this approach as I am much the same. Spell it out to me, I will follow it to a t and try to do even better and then I expect a good outcome .
Well, life is not that way and we both know this. If it was we would all be rich successful and in perfect relationships. If it was that easy we would all be living the life. There are plenty of books and step by step formulas showing us how to do it right? These forums here have as many ideas and pieces of advice as there are people right? Yet each sitch turns out differently for better or for worse. And the advice comes from individual experiences and outcomes. Try and follow Mark Cubans advice for success and tell me if you become the next billionaire ? Follow a bums advice on the street and tell me if you end up a bum? My point is that the principles for both exsist but only you can apply it the way you can apply it.

My bad example to make my point here is when we are face to face with an angry bear in the woods. Now we each want to know what to do to survive this encounter. There are a lot of ideas and information on what to do.
Play dead. Climb a tree. Don't make any sudden movements. Make lots of noise to scare it off. Etc. but in spite of all of this advice the part that can not be predicted not controlled is the bears mood, state of mind or well being. And those are the things that will more dictate the outcome of the encounter right.
If the bear does not want to bother with you you could do nothing and the bear leaves you alone. Or you could do everything by the book and the bear will still maul you .
But doing the things advised will increase your chances of a peaceful encounter, but it will not guarantee it.

BB you know the DB principles. You have heard all the advice out here. You know what you need to fix in yourself and now you need to determine what it is you want that does not have expectations from your W, and then you will know what works........for you. Only you will know what works for you.

Keep up the good fight and I challenge you to begin to look within for answers now. You have been provided the principles and advice apply it now, without expectations from your W.

[bigybiz]

Coconut: Thanks for your post. In Ontario, it's her property too. I can't stop her from moving back in and I can't change the locks.

[bigybiz]

Sandi2:

Ground rules r us.

[bigybiz]

SH:

As you said so well. Knowing the principles and applying them can be different things sometimes. Somethings are easy for me to do for me. Also, some things are easy to not worry about her reaction, etc.

I love your idea of a list. So far my list has been about getting things, doing things, etc. As you know, that list is practically exhausted. I feel great from the success I've achieved so far. I guess now I'm at the "final" step is "crossing her off my list".

[SH_]

Let me know what kind of list you come up with for you. I am also working on one.

My goal os to shake the anger I feel towards her.
I find myself focused on her poor behavior and shortcoming in our MR. But I know that I can not fix those things, and it is only deflecting me from what I know I need to work on for my progress and future.
So here is to creating a list of what we need to work on for ourselves and our future selves.

[bigybiz]

Thanks SH - I'll keep you and others up to date on my list.

[bigybiz]

My oh my.

So last month she has to move out of where she is. In a hurry she signs a 6 month lease. She does not inform me that she will not put $ into our joint account on July 1 because she needs her contribution to cover her 1st and last month rent. Well this morning I look at our joint account and the mortgage payment "bounced" yes returned by the bank for not enough funds.

So after a flurry of text messages and I insist she calls the mtg company. She shows up here tonight telling me that. I knew she needed extra $ for her rent and logically I should have known that she would not have made the July 1 contribution. She admits that it was not clear and she knew I take the mtg very seriously.

She starts babbling that on the past Saturday we squandered time on R talk when we should have been talking about money, kids etc and the R talk is pointless...

I'm insisting that she call the MTG company and make arrangements to cover the missed payment. She is going to do that. She tried to get me to do it by telling me she wont be able to look up the company, etc, etc. I stood my ground and did not take the bait.

After that she tells me we must sell the house. We can't afford it apart, it's not that important that the kids have a family home if we can't keep up with the payments and the maintenance, etc. I almost fell into the trap of defending the position to stay etc, etc - but I did not - lucky.

Later I asked if she wanted to set up a meeting to discuss the house, etc - she told me that she told me what she thoughts and now I should think about it.

I'm not going to bring it up at all. On Sept 1st we are supposed to resign - so we need to do it by Aug 1. I will just bite my tongue and see what happens.

[sandi2]

This is an example of why you have to protect yourself, b/c she could ruin you and then make it sound as if you should have known.

Good job standing your ground! She should be the one to clean up her side the street, instead of you having to do it for her.