Progress is slow but does happen!

[PacLove]

I've been noticing a lot of tension between W and D9. Both are going to IC's but am wondering if there might be value in "family" counselling trying to figure out through a IC how to handle our situation through the Separation.

Would/Could this be seen as desperate or controlling on my part if I suggest it to W? The intent wouldn't be to reconcile or anything, more just to figure out how to work through the situation with the least impact on D.

D's counselor did mention to me last time that the ambiguity of our situation is not good for D (W keeps telling D it's temporary). It's hard enough on LBS', we can at least accept some of the unknown and work through it emotionally but for kids it must be brutal!

Anyone else on the forums done something like this to work through how to handle the kids through your separations?

[PacLove]

So my GAL activities this weekend left me with stitches on my face which ultimately will make a nice Scar. W tried to tell me not to do said activity anymore to which I responded I'm already planning my next outing...

I had fun nonetheless but am worried about my appearance and how this may now make me "less" attractive to W or others down the road.

[NYGal]

Sounds like it might just be a very distinguished looking scar. In years to come whenever you tell the story, embellish it just a tiny little bit! I chipped my teeth one icy day when I was on my motor scooter and took a turn a little too fast -- I was distracted by thoughts of the ow who was tormenting my every waking hour. So that little defect will always remind me of the awful days, and how they ended up getting better.

I don't know your story at all, but I read your post about family counseling to help D. Don't ever think that your suggesting something is controlling or desperate! If you think D would benefit, then don't just suggest it, insist on it!

I'm glad to hear that W is saying this is just temporary... I hope that means she's working out her feelings and will come home. I wrote on my forum about being the lighthouse. That might help you.

[NYGal]

PacLove, I think you should just be matter of fact about the finances. "W, you owe $XX for this month's bills. Could you get me a check by next week?"

[bigybiz]

PacLove: I recommend family therapy.

I started family counselling and all and all it was a good idea. I took the kids without W at first. I asked her if she wanted to be part of it and she said no. The Dr asked her she said no. She saw some other Dr and they told her it was not a good idea too. Well the kids and I had few sessions without her. When S15 told W that the Dr feels we an only do so much without her - she then came to two sessions.

As the summer started and the kids all went their separate ways - I asked her, in front of the kids and the Dr, if she wanted to come again just the two of us. She said yes.

It's only been two sessions. My expectations are very very low - but as a friend of mine said "She is still in the game".

So I'm really glad the way it turned out. I especially think I showed a good example to my kids and I'm proud of how they responded. I'm even impressed that W is willing. Please check out my thread for the gory details.

[PacLove]

Thanks for the input! been offline for a few days. W has been surprisingly chatty on her travels with D (they've been away for 2 weeks) so I know she's not seeing the OM, but it doesn't mean she's not talking to him.

I'm getting random txts with pictures, or how is my scar etc. Could be temp checking, could be friendly conversation, could be her being lonely with no adult companionship. I take it for what it is and try not to read too much into it.

I will suggest the Family Therapy after I get back from my vacation with D at the end of July.

Question for the group here... I've been doing my best to follow the DB, but one thing that I'm concerned about (and was also mentioned by my Pastor and IC) is could it be seen as a form of silent approval of the Affair? ie not bringing it up, not challenging her, being nice but with boundaries... it's almost as if she can go off doing what she wants with no serious consequences (other than potentially losing her H, home, and having only part time with her D - which she seems to be content with)


BTW Scar is healing nicely but will leave a reminder of the events for sure ;-)

[sandi2]

it's almost as if she can go off doing what she wants with no serious consequences (other than potentially losing her H, home, and having only part time with her D - which she seems to be content with)

What kind of consequences? You are living in separate houses, right? Are you financially supporting her?

What does your Pastor suggest you do?

[PacLove]

We are in separate places and we have a cost sharing agreement in place (she pays her share of the mortgage and I pay a share towards her rent). She's certainly feeling the financial pinch.

The only thing that perhaps I am a little too giving about is when she spends time with D - it's still in the family home, but that's only because she doesn't have a place where she can host her. I don't want to disrupt D too much so this works - W does stay in the guest bedroom on her weekends in the family home.

At some point I may have to ask W to remove her stuff from the MBR, it bugs me seeing it there all the time.

My Pastor, and IC both say it's still to fresh/RAW to be making any hard decisions and boundaries, we are just into our 4th month of separation - plus she hasn't really admitted or come clean to anything other than an EA but I'm pretty sure she knows I know that it's a PA - it's more or less being left unspoken.

[PacLove]

Excited to see D tonight - probably the longest we've ever been apart - 17 days! She was really starting to miss me last week.

Not so sure how W will be when I pick them up at the airport, shes been sort of hot and cold the last two weeks but distant - at an arms length but sending me lots of updates on their travels. Anyways looking forward to the next 2 weeks with D (she's with me) and we are going to have a little vacay time together.

I was really worried about how I'd handle the 2 weeks alone without W/D but I survived, got lots done around the house and kept myself busy - so busy in fact that I watched a grand total of 1 movie and 0 TV over the last 2 weeks.

[PacLove]

So I have reason to believe my W's IC is helping her to move on from the M... anyone else dealt with this? I guess in the end it's her heart that will decide whether to move on or stay... and my ability to be the best I can.

I also have a hunch she's not been open to her IC about the A.