Detachment, anxiety and the end of limbo 2

[Painter]

Hi Phoebe, I hope you are drinking lots of water! I couldn't stand that heat. I'm so happy when it drops down in the low 70's here, even below, so I can sleep with the windows open.

We had some of those heaps on our property, too. One of them included a car engine and a boat... and it's so wet in the marshland that you can't get a tractor in there to pull it out!

How neat with the stuff you found! I have to look up that glass and read about it.

Right now I need to finish and e-mail off a proof, but I'll check in a little later.

Oh, my week is sort of slow, too, so I signed up for a meetup on Friday - an artists' gettogether dinner on Friday. I joined the group a little while ago but haven't attended anything yet.

[Phoebe]

It's strange and interesting how often we track each other in some way, Painter. This time our schedules are similarly uncluttered and our painful and less painful days seem to often be in synch, too.

I'm still in a good place, and so I hope the same is true for you. I hope you sleep well.

Definitely look up Vaseline glass. It is strange and lovely. Strange in the way it catches the light, lovely in color.

[Phoebe]

Well, the roller coaster ride turned downward yesterday. I was still Ok, but I felt the change of direction a little bit. This morning I felt it more and then I talked to my out of state lawyer.

She advised me that I need to come check on the other house (as it may be abandoned) and she urged me to accept service of my divorce action in the other state. The paperwork is one thing, but I dread going back to that house. I don't think I want to go there by myself again.

So, I had to have my stupid crying meltdown afterward. I went out to walk my fields a little bit to regain some composure and then I went to see my therapist. It was good, but I felt really raw and the tears were right there waiting for me again. I'm so tired of crying. My T is going away for two weeks, so I am on my own on that front for a while, too. He has emergency coverage, but the chance of me going to talk to someone else for a one-off appointment is zero. I just can't see it. I did set up an extra appointment for the end of this week, though, and now I have even more to talk about:

So I decided that, given the L's advice, I really did need to go check on the house. My mom said she'd go when I asked her a few days ago, but today she said she would only go if we could drive there and back the same day! It's 5 hours each way, and I wanted to get my stuff while I was there and avoid going back another time. How could that possibly work?? My dad won't go, and even if he agreed it would be grudging and he'd be impatient the whole time.

So... I love my parents, and they have been really good to me, but their empathy level is pretty low. I really need some sympathy and understanding sometimes and they aren't able to give it. Of course, these are the same people that have given me one hug between the two of them in the 6 months since my life went up in smoke. My mom is also the same woman who took an hour to get here when I called and asked her to come be with me the day I found a note from the process served on my door. I was literally in crisis and she only lives a couple miles away and she took an HOUR?. I know they're like this. It's just so hard not to feel disappointed over and over again. They just are never going to be the kind of people that wrap me in a hug and want to protect me. There is always something more important than me on their agenda.

Anyway, I get that. They are who they are.

So, there is no one who can go with me for moral support. My new L friend said he might be able to go in a couple weeks. Today I feel like I have no one in my corner, and I even have fair weather parents. The only person who lived nearby that would ever have dropped everything to come help me passed away 2 years ago.

So I decided not to follow the L's advice to check the house because I simply can't stand the idea of going alone again. Last time it took me 9 hours to make the drive back because I was so messed up that I had to keep pulling over to cry, talk to my Mom, try to straighten up, cry again…

Just a crappy sort of day. I know the roller coaster ride will start to climb again. Just feeling sad and out of sorts.

[Painter]

Oh, Phoebe, I'm so sorry that your parents aren't more emphatetic. Did your mother say why she didn't want to stay overnight? Is it staying the house, or would she be okay staying in a hotel?

I guess if you left really early in the morning and she's willing to share on the driving, you could do it in a day. Another option is hiring a car and driver. I know it might sound odd, but it would allow you to nap during the drive and it might be worth the cost. Avis offers it, and many others.

Or how about your new hiking partner?

Or - is there someone who lives along the way or in that city who you could pick up closer to the destination? I wish I were closer, I'd go with you!

[J5K]

Phoebe,

Sorry to hear about your parents. Mine are the same way. Today my dad calls me and says that people saw how much weight I lost and are concerned I am not healthy. I told him I was fine because I actually did put weight back on. I have a high metabolism so gaining weight would take years of laziness. I know, most women would wish they had that problem. I digress, I understand how parents can not be empathetic, I lived that my whole life with mine too which caused part of the issue with my M.

Although I cannot physically be there, I will accompany you in spirit. Go and get it over with and get what you need from the house. Letting the emotions run through you may actually help you get a little more closure to your sitch by not having to go back multiple times.

(((Phoebe)))

[SH_]

My dear Phoebe.

I wish I could be there to take the trip with you. I hope you can figure out a way to do it if your L has recommended it. It really would be in your best interest. Maybe after a good nights rest you may find inspiration or a good person to accompany you.

I am praying that a door opens for you for this and that you are able to move forward.

Sleep tight Phoebe.

[Phoebe]

Thank you Painter, Jim, and SH. I wish hauling along my virtual friends would do the trick. Unfortunately, I need a warm body. A friend surrogate? Has anyone seen Her, the movie with Juaquin Phoenix? the surrogate idea reminded me of the movie.

So my hiking friend is on vacation for two weeks, my neighbor friend is having severe balance problems, and I don't know anyone at all in the whole state where the house is. I wasn't there long enough to meet anyone at all. That said, most of my stuff is there, as the house I am in now was just a temporary thing until we built a new one. Ha ha. Now this building that my H looks at with utter disdain and disgust and thinks he is too good for is my home. Jerk.

Feeling a bit of anger tonight about this whole mess. I finished reading my book on runaway husbands, and I am not too pleased with my own.

I had a tough evening. No surprise, really. I putted around the city after my T appointment, tried to do my post therapy hike but forgot any socks (ugh), then hung out in a parking lot to talk on the phone with my neighbor friend for an hour and a half. I got home in time to let my birdies out for an hour before dark. I walked my fields in the dark again, with that tightness in my throat telling me that sadness was threatening the whole time, but it as a good walk.

I don't carry a flashlight or my phone (I forgot it), but my night vision is pretty good. The fireflies were in the trees tonight, which was so beautiful to see. They were like little living Christmas lights. I saw two skunks, each within about 8 feet of me, which was cool, if slightly disconcerting. The first one popped out onto the path while I was sitting still watching the light show. I heard rustling in the grass, so I waited to see what would pop out. All I could see was what looked like an odd white shape floating above the ground.

The second skunk popped into the path while I was walking. Each time I just started talking to them and they just went on their way. Cute little things, and strangely laid back. Maybe I have good skunk karma? I rescued one last fall that had a Slurpee cup stuck on its head. Poor thing. I had to catch it, anesthetize it enough so I could cut the cup off, and then I kept him overnight for observation because he wasn't acting quite right after all that rebreathe get he'd been forced to do. The next day I set him free. They're adorable up close, with the most beautiful faces, and they're remarkably chill little critters. Their powers of stinkiness must make them very confident.

Anyway, it's been a day. The farm helps, and it was a two walk kind of day, but I ended up getting an earlier appointment with my therapist for tomorrow morning already. I hope I'm not developing a distinct wimpiness trait, needing to see my T two days in a row.

I understand that part of my seeing him is trying to fill the empathy deficit left by my parents. I also am going to have to talk about the whole fair weather parent thing. Did I develop maladaptive behaviors because of them that affected my MR?

Another hallmark of runaway husbands? Gaslighting. His nonsense explanations have left me thinking there is something wrong with me.

Now that it's 2:30 am it's well past nap time. goodnight and sweet (or no) dreams.

[JksD]

(((Phoebe)))

I am sorry to hear about how your parents won't go to your other house with you. Just a thought, would it help if you explained why you needed their company? Or it wouldn't help at all?

I am also praying that you'll be able to get someone to go with you. Or would Painter's suggestion of a driver be a good enough substitute?

[Phoebe]

Well, I certainly had plenty to talk about with my therapist today, fair-weather parents and all... I've decided to can the trip to the other house for now. After having my life go up in smoke, what's the difference if the house burns down? It's just stuff and we carry insurance. Yes, there is a lot of sentimental value there, but it is still just stuff. I can go by myself if I need to, but I don't see the need as pressing right now.

I forgot my phone again today, and still forgot to bring socks, so no post-therapy therapy hike again, and I couldn't call my L/biking friend to get together while I was out and about. Darn it. I am super scattered this week.

Anyway, it's another quiet sort of day. Time to go see what i can get accomplished.

[Painter]

Probably stress making you forgetful. I call it TeflonBrain(TM).

It's like a computer - you got lots of processes going on in the background that require a lot of your memory. So other tasks are going to happen slowly or crash.

Personally, I feel like I have problems with the main power supply...