Chapter 3. Let the detachment begin

[doodler]

Here is where I slipped. I offered her a ride to the store - mistake one and gave her a spare phone we have to use in case she can't get her's working. Mistake two.

bigybiz,

You can recover from this debacle. Here's what you do; prepare an invoice and bill her for the ride and the use of the cell phone. Make sure you price things on the high-end. You don't want to be cheap, but at the same time, you don't want to be so expensive that she'll think you're joking. And, don't give her 30 days to pay; make it seven days. Use that time to setup an account with Square so you can take credit cards.

As usual, doodler has your back, but don't forget my 15% commission on all DB revenue. Thank you.

[bigybiz]

Cristy: I really do struggle with being a nice, a good example, etc and the strong no nonsense attitude that DB requires. If an acquaintance was in my house without a phone etc, I would do the same thing.

For now, I'm trying to stick with the latter. We were supposed to meet tonight at a neutral location to go over kids stuff, money, etc. She was going to let me know what time, etc - no news yet. Here is where I struggle. If it was a friend or client I would send a reminder email/text, so that I could plan accordingly and they may appreciate the reminder. But since she is my W/STBXW and I'm committed to going dark and being detachment - I won't.

But, there will be fall out. Decisions that need to be made, assigning of duties, etc. If I do them without her, I'm being controlling etc. But, if I wait to hear from her I'm being a door mat.

What do I do?

[sandi2]

I really do struggle with being a nice, a good example, etc and the strong no nonsense attitude that DB requires. If an acquaintance was in my house without a phone etc, I would do the same thing.

I disagree with part of what you said. I think you struggle with not being a nice-guy type around her.....and you want to rescue her......which is another trait of being Mr. Fixer. (Have you googled what I suggested about people who have the need to fix everything)? It concerns me, b/c as well as you have done since she's been gone, I have little doubt it would take a full 24 hrs before you would be right back to the guy you had become when you first arrived here. You don't have trouble living apart from her. Your trouble is living with her.

[bigybiz]

Sandi2: You rock. Thanks for your post. Yes, I did Google those terms. I did begin to wonder. Which I may be and which she may be. She would argue that she was codependent/enabler of my poor money management.

I'm still trying to figure out what I was codependent of for her?

Yes, I'm a Mr Fixit. It's funny because one of her main resentments is that I did not protect her from the wolves when I did not take care of her financially.

So Where do I go from here? So I can't rescue her. She has made it very clear that she thinks she can only be on her own. That she will only be safe on her own.

Where do I go? What's the best path?

[sandi2]

So I can't rescue her. She has made it very clear that she thinks she can only be on her own. That she will only be safe on her own.

Then why is she wanting to move back into the home? I know she gives the excuse of missing the kids........but it is only an excuse, as she proved last night.

I think you need to leave her alone and stop all the chit-chatting with her. Stop offering her cake, and start getting a life that does not depend on her involvement or approval.

[bigybiz]

Thanks - Sandi2. She's not coming home. She has signed a 6 month lease. I'd like to believe I'm on the path of getting a new life - I don't think I can do it overnight. That's the goal right. Make Bizy 2.0 that will not want her. So when she might be remorseful I can say maybe.

[bigybiz]

OK: She shows up today to see the boys with all kinds of attitude about I'm trying to get her to do things my way, no matter what etc, etc. Which is kinda true. I'm not letting her do things her way. I stuck my ground - but did concede that I would be willing to find a new way of doing things - not hers not mine. Left it at that.

I take S15 to catch his ride to camp. I come back and she has changed all the sheets, vacuumed and cleaned the bathroom. I did not say a thing to her. I went about my business. As she was leaving with S10 for lunch, she mentioned the house work she did.

I said to her, I did notice and that was nice of her but unnecessary. She offered to the same amount of housework every Saturday because she thinks it lots of work and maybe I need the help. I was busy, so I told her we can speak about it later.

So everyone - what should I do? I don't want her thinking she is doing me any favours and I certainly can survive without her. I'm guessing she sees that and now maybe wanting to play some kind of game about it.

I will leave it alone. If she mentions it again, I'm thinking I will say. I don't expect you to do any of the work around her, but I appreciate it if you want to help.

Is that the right approach?

Let me know what you all think.

[Melo]

I don't think it's the right approach. She wants to cake eat by still being involved in some way, she wants to be in the grey, involved but not completely committed. In marriage there is no grey, it's either black or white. You're in or you're out. She's out, so she's out completely. She can clean all she wants when she commits to the M. Just my opinion brother.

[SH_]

BB!

2 thoughts for you I have.

First thought -Would you let your neighbor clean up around your place when visiting? If the neighbor made comments for attention about it, how would you respond?

Second thought - You may be over thinking every little thing. Read back on this thread and you sound as if every comment or minor action she takes needs a perfect comment or reaction from you. The path she is headed down will not be swayed by you at this point. Act according to that thought and you will be on track. Do what works. Monitor it. When it does not work do something else.

Trust yourself. You have been at this long enough to know that you need to be the man only a fool would leave. What would that MAN do in the situation you are asking everyone for feedback on?

That is your answer my friend.

[bigybiz]

Gents:

Thanks for your posts. You touched upon the thing that I struggle with. How do I know what is working? Is it when she talks about reconciling, Is it when she reenters her old life as a wife and mother i.e. caring for all of us, ask me about my day, work, offering to help with projects, is it when she is upset about the things I'm doing in my GAL.

How do I know what's working? Recently when she has reentered her old life, she later says I pressured her into it.

So I struggle with knowing what works.