Just a Vanilla Change 30

[SH_]

Drive by rainbow hugs for my Sweet Lady V

((((((((((((((((((((Sweet Lady V))))))))))))))))))))

May you have peace and calm as you work through the current challenges of health and xWH.

You are in my prayers.

[Vanilla]

Letter to WH

Dearest xWH,

I received a letter from you telling me you are going to sue me in the highest court in the land and that you want more money.

In fact this is what you said:
Now that our D is finished I want money. Pay me what you owe me or I am taking you to the Old Bailey. That is going to cost a lot of money and you will pay all my legal fees. I want a lot of money from you, in fact I want all the money I paid into our joint account for bills back as I should not have to pay for very much. What's mine is my own. And you promise me all my money back so that's a contract I am going to enforce.

Sell your home or mortgage it and pay me in the next 14 days before I go to court.



I guess I must accept that there is truth in it because after all:

You only took showers whilst I had baths, which uses more hot water.

Women clearly use more toilet paper than guys, so the cost there is heavy. Perhaps you didn't flush every time so you used less water.

I replaced the broken down washing machine with a new one and naturally you didn't wash your sheets as often as I washed mine. There is some justification too because I put dirty dishes in the dishwasher which clearly uses more dishwasher powder. So I must pay for all that.

Maybe the cleaner didn't hoover your room and the window cleaner wash your windows? I didn't notice.

Perhaps you really didn't have those holidays abroad? That's in my imagination too, especially as I worked long hours and you played golf all day.

Perhaps you didn't eat anything either, that would explain why you can have a refund?  I know I didn't get the foods you liked ever so that matters. I now understand that Apple juice was your sudden preference, how could I have not understood. I know I am the most selfish person in the world too so you are entitled to funds for that.

You need compensating for the fact I bought the wrong bacon perhaps?

Clearly Sky Sports is free to view as well and all the golfing you watched on a pay as you go basis was minimal.

You didn't use the tumble drier either. None of your bedding ever wore out and you have never walked on the carpets.

I had an elderly cat who ate more than the average Albanian whilst your family visited and never got fed. 

You never used the WiFi quite clearly so you needn't pay for that.

You never broke anything or burned a pan or cooked. No contribution needed there then. And you never switched on lights and plugged anything in.

It's quite clear you occupied no space in the house which as you point out was mine so you shouldn't pay for anything. However now you have moved you have rent to pay so I should pay that for you otherwise you could move back in. Assert your marital rights.

The garden doesn't grow or need tending and obviously furniture doesn't need replacing and there is no decoration to do. Besides it's 'my' house so I should do all those things whilst you lounge on the sofa and go to the pub. I must pay for the paint too.

All of my money must go to pay bills of course that's fair, I need to pay for your company by paying for all birthday family and other functions.

You smoke drink and gamble and your money is yours naturally to do with as you choose. When you run out then it's my responsibility to give you more as I have some and you have less.

You don't want to work, that's too stressful and why should you when I can work to provide. Besides any work you do in the business should be paid at exhorbitant rates, when you bother to turn up.

You received a very large redundancy payment in February and it's gone by September? That's clearly yours too to spend as you like and you can buy two expensive cars (the first I know you didn't like so of course it's ok to replace it). I only need a beat up old van. That's fair.

Your large pension is yours and there is no need to draw it when I have work I should be doing, although I clearly don't earn enough and invoice properly. I am truly incompetent as a business woman and my 35 years in business has been a waste of time. My qualification are clearly inferior to yours, my staff are incompetent and of course you always know best on everything.

You can put your petrol and car insurance on my credit card.

You can suddenly decide you can't afford to pay bills at a moments notice and stop. That's ok, I have to make up the shortfall. And it's fine too because I have no mortgage to pay, you can live at the big house free of charge, go on holiday and take your friends and of course I pay the bills. Your family can use the seaside flat without contributing.

Oh yes, you can buy all of your Xmas Presents out of our joint account and give your family cash gifts because you always have done so. I don't drink much and can't afford new clothes that's ok because you can buy rounds in the pub.

I pay for your sports club membership and it's ok for you to cancel it and take the refund. Absolutely ok.

I can pay for you to take your OW out too, after all you need the company and I can't afford to go out.

It's fine for me to drive if you drink although you are ashamed of me as I am an old fashioned bag lady with a van you won't be seen dead in, apart from late at night when you need a lift if you have been drinking. My clothes don't 'do me any favours either' except when I am doing the things needed to make money.

Yes you need compensating because I am ugly, fat and balding. I do believe some guy successfully sued his W for an ugly baby and that sets a pecedant.

Your are entitled to a big chunk more after all our marriage lasted a long time: 9 months. I should pay for you being on match.com trolling for OW throughout our M. It's fine to tell everyone your W is a 'dog' like most of the women on the dating site because clearly she is.

You can walk out and never pay another penny for anything, the cash you took to clear gambling debts needn't be repaid but any minor expenditure of yours needs reimbursing. You can come and go as you please of course, taking whatever you want of mine, leaving your unwanted things for me to store. You can take all the wine from the wine cellar to drink too, that's ok. You can have the TV, and all electrical goods. Especially the expensive stuff. The work lap top, nice printer are yours.

I must of course comply with every single little demand or whimsy of yous. Your requests are always reasonable.

It was OK for you to force me to put my home on the market and to reduce the price, after all you need cash. It was OK for us to get M and you not tell me that you were going to be made redundant and had made up your mind to never work again.

It was fine for you to rant every day and threaten me, I know I was infuriating and particularly slow in paying. Now it's ok to take me to court and of course I must pay up or pay your legal fees on top. The amount I need to pay you is your choice and you are so broke that clearly I must pay all your debts. Apparently I promised that, for richer and for poorer. You richer and me poorer.

I am useless now I am ill and as you say you don't do ill. You have told me you would be better off if I were dead and of course I am so useless that I might as well be. Perhaps the worms in my brains will get me in the end, athough it's going to be costly to get my head examined so I had better leave that.

I had to have my hair cut and buy some cosmetics that's an expense and clearly that had no effect at all so I could have given the cash to you. I don't deserve a social life and the odd cappuccino I buy is a waste of money that I could give to you for nights in the pub. I must stop paying for medicines they are in essential although your cigarettes are a must have buy. My friends are dreadful so it's a waste of time seeing them or entertaining them, they are so boring. SInce my father should smother my mother that will save on a birthday and Xmas present each year.

Naturally the law is your side because you need 40,000 a year to live on and I only need 11,000. So I should pay you a lot of money and pay your fees to sue me.

It is ok for me to be bullied, gaslighted and stolen from. After all I married your sorry ass.

More fool me.

Thank you

V

[rd500]

Stay strong sis , he's an ass

Huge hug. Rd. xxxxx

[Huddy]

What a w>nker! Put your feet up and let him wallow in his own self pity until he drowns. When I look at things like that I get incredibly angry, I really do. Stay strong and DO NOT buckle.

He's not that bright either as the Old Bailey is for criminal proceedings, not matters of divorce at such an early stage. Let him start the process off himself; his legal fees will cripple him. Scaremongering little sh!t.

[Sotto]

Ugh V! Let his messages be like water off a duck's back - shake your lovely feathers and your ducky tail and paddle on by.....

Hope you are feeling all better now xx

[Phoebe]

Wow. What a complete shite he is. I like Sotto's sassy little duck approach to his load of garbage.

And whatever he says or said, consider the source. As my brother likes to say, he's lower than whale [censored] at the bottom of the ocean.

((((((((((Vanilla))))))))))

[J5K]

V,

Let it go! I echo Sotto and the rest who think he is scum.

Stay strong!

((((((V))))))

[Ggrass]

I think I hear crickets nilla.....

Let no answer be his answer.
Allow him to marinate in his ows cause they are so wonderfull.

unlike you who is above which crapola.

[JujuB]

((((( Vanilla))))

[mustardseed]

Thank you Jim and Ju
A little late to this, but I want to chime in, because I feel like your inner voice is my inner voice

My guilt

- not spotting this nature in WHIf you did spot it, it would mean you were a distrusting person. It is his nature, not yours. And until you experience someone of this nature, when you are a loving trusting person you don't believe it exists. He didn't want you to spot it. You didn't know to look for it. Not your fault.
- introducing this man to my family and friendsHe was important to you. Of course you would introduce him to other important people. He was good at his game, and you had no reason to believe it was a game. Not your fault.
- having few boundariesThis is a learning experience. It isn't intuitive for many of us, especially those of us who always put others first. You had few boundaries then so that now you know which boundaries to have. We aren't meant to be perfect. We are meant to learn from our experiences. Life is trial and error. We do it wrong a lot of the times, we do it right a lot of the times, we do what we have to do when it is both the wrong and right thing a lot of the times. Life isn't black and white. There are consequences to all of our choices right and wrong. Perhaps a blurred boundary also kept you safe in many ways some of the time. You did what you felt you needed to do. Now you are learning better ways.
- being slow to bounce backIf you bounced back quickly I would worry that you would easily slip into a similar relationship again. Growth and healing take time to be permanent
- screaming banshee reactionThis is one that consumes me too. I know H had recordings and has used those sound bites in a MS smear campaign with certain family members and coworkers. Makes me think that he might be right about me sometimes. But then I remind myself that, that was then, this is now. I had some moments in the past that I am ashamed of. They are part of me. They could have been avoided. But it happened. I am not proud of that part of me. I understand how it was triggered. I know that my own SB can re-emerge if I am careless. But now I know when she is coming. I can pull her back. It doesn't feel as good to pull her back as it did to let her out, but it is better in the long run. Leave SB in the past. Feed her when you feel her stirred. Keep her safe so she won't feel the need to escape. Tend to her needs before she is scared. She is part of you, but she doesn't have to be destructive when properly tended to. ANGER, it is a valuable emotion when properly tended to.
- the on going depression and complex PTSDAgain, not your fault. You have been through hell and the aftermaths are overwhelming at times. Let it wash over you, don't fight it. Feel it, face it. this is one of my waves that I deal with. The kind of waves that will take me down if I try to ride it or fight it. All you can do sometimes is just go under and let it pass over you. Recognize it for what it is and don't try to take action in those moments. It will pass.
- my dire fins putting my business at risk<<<V>>> Hugs. Lots of hugs. It is overwhelming, but I have absolute confidence that this is a wave your can overcome. You might not be able to ride it yet, but you certainly can stay at the surface. When you are surfing there are a lot of good rideable waves that you can't catch because you haven't swum out far enough. You are still swimming out past the break right now. It is exhausting, but you know it is worth it. Just keep swimming. (Just saw Finding Dory--couldn't help it)
- lack of general motivation Understandable. You are tired. Do a little when you can't do a lot. When you feel helpless pick the one simplest task. I think it was a goal setting podcast that mysister referred me to a few years back that said, rather than setting a goal to run 3 miles every day, you should set your goal to put on your running shoes every day. Then once your running shoes are on you already had success. You can then decide to set the next goal of running to the corner which is suddenly much easier to do because your running shoes are already on. And once you run to the corner, it becomes easier to go to the end of the street, etc. Even if you stopped at putting on your running shoes you are successful, but each next step becomes easier because the previous one was already accomplished. You were amazingly motivating for me last year when I was failing miserably at everything. You helped me see that through that failure I found my strength. That resonated with me. Even when H was trying to tear me down by bringing that failure up last week, it didn't sting because I know what that failure means to me now. It means that I plowed through and saw it to the end when all I wanted to do was roll over and quit. That failure has become one of my biggest successes. The same is true for you V. You have so much strength, love, compassion, insight. You will do what you need to do because that is who you are. Just because you feel unmotivated doesn't mean anything. It is a feeling, and you are free to feel it while you move forward.
- still having about 20 lbs of excess weightThe numbers always cause more trouble than they need to. Don't focus on that. Eat good food. Move to feel good. The rest will fall into place when you are ready.
- the fact that extreme self care has lapsedSometimes we take a break. A lapse is not a failure. It is a time out.

Will that do? Ju

Big mess of guilt to wallow in.

I think most of it is just being unwell at present.

V