Chapter 2, She moved out - I win! I think

[bigybiz]

JK - Thanks - I really value yours and everyone else's opinion. She has already "quit" MC before so I'm worried about taking on the big issues. I'd really hate to blow the opportunity for regular dialogue. But, on the other hand maybe it's best to lay it on the line and see what happens.

[SH_]

Bigybiz!
You gotta a lot going on now.
Are you speaking to a DB coach?
This may be a good time to get that specific info you look for.

[beat]

I've been sitting on the side line now for 3 years, getting on with my life, and just leaving God to work on my spouse. Buckle-up bigybiz and try to make best of the quiet before the storm, because i'm sorry to say it will get worse before it gets better, and confusing as all hell. It will become the ride through hell only the strong and brave can endure. Heed the advice you get from these forums, and the best you can do is keeo reminding yourself, it's not you it's her problem to figure out, and DON'T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONAL! the posting i found extremely helpful for me to understand what the hell is happening are from Job, Cadet, Dellboy, Cyrena, and i got A LOT of valuable information from AmyC here's a link to Musing from AmyC she does a great job describing what she went through as an MLCer http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741&page=8

[beat]

@bigybiz - sorry I also wanted to say that your wifes journey has just started, and much like in your situation we did MC in hope of fixing our situation, and quite honestly it's to early for counseling, and a waste of time. I can only speak for our situation, but it became very obvious my wife was only doing it to say she's trying. i'm not saying counseling is a bad thing, but for her I say it's to early, but foe you, IC will help you immensely to get your head straight. it takes about three months before you get through the shock of "what the hell happened!" you'll begin to feel better, and read, read, READ! the more knowledge you have of this crap, the better it'll be for you to deal with "HER PROBLEM"

[bigybiz]

Thanks for everyone's posts. Well the MC was not bad today. My expectations were higher than they should have been. Here is what did happen. For the 1st time, W did mention that her "withdrawal" from our relationship was a factor. Up until now it has all been about what I did and what I did not do.

Not sure if that is progress - but it was nice to hear.

[doodler]

Here is what did happen. For the 1st time, W did mention that her "withdrawal" from our relationship was a factor. Up until now it has all been about what I did and what I did not do.

bigybiz,

What terrible atrocities did you commit against your wife to cause her to withdraw from your marriage?

Seriously, your wife's admission may be a good sign; I hope she continues down that path. My wife admitted to the MC that "maybe" her friendship had gone a little further than it should have. By the next session, I was reinstated as the spawn of Satan and she had no memory the previous session. I'm not trying to rain on your parade, but my wife seemed to enjoy getting my hopes up only to dash them away shortly thereafter.

[bigybiz]

doodler: Thanks. We've been down that road a few times, not with MC but just between us. The stories change, the up and downs have been tough.

I guess I need to just accept that is just part of the process.

[bigybiz]

Well after a couple on instances of her talking about coming home - she is now telling me I was reading more into it than she was saying.

Developments: She is moving from her "crash" pad to a basement apt. She is going to visit the boys here. At first I was against it, then when I thought she was lonely I was for it. Now, I don't know how I feel. We eat meals together etc. I guess she is detached. I find sharing meals, etc quite personal.

I do know my pursuing - that was a response to her saying she'll come home was not received - not a surprise.

She has booked a six month lease. I'll need to come up with a bit of a plan I think. Need to keep on my GAL path, I keep looking for the elusive detachment.

I'm not looking forward to the summer:

D20 is moving out next week - very secretive about it???
S15 is away for most of the summer
S10 is home away for two weeks.

I was supposed to start a basement reno. Not sure just now. Feeling low, not keen to start a major project and then have to sell, etc.

It's a beautiful day in T.O. I was out on my motorcycle twice, D20 and I had a nice dinner out, now heading to meet a friend for drinks.

Still feeling low. I'll need to quit my addiction to her and find a way to keep moving ahead for me.

I look, feel, act very different from where I was months ago - still very empty. Considering I have so much going on, it's amazing how obsessed I am with her.

[sandi2]

Sorry I missed your bat signal. I do want to respond to a couple of things.

Right now she does not think a compromise is needed. She keeps saying for her to come back I could not do anything to interfere with her work/career.

This should enlighten you and the counselor to the type of woman you are dealing with. Let me translate into the WW version of what she was saying. "I do not think a compromise is needed from me. I intend to return on my own terms, and will proceed at calling all the shots".

The goal is not to just get her back into the house again. Many LBS's seem focused on that one aspect, instead of the whole picture with all the troubled issues. If the couple are living in separate places, that is the best time for him to state his boundaries about her coming back, and to require that both of them attend (and stick it out) MC to resolve the critical issues at hand. If she returns under her WW terms, he's basically had it.

[J5K]

Bigy,

Sorry you are having a rough weekend. I agree with Sandi's interpretation of what your W said.