WH and I had another marathon talk last night (as per his request) and we addressed a lot of issues surrounding the affair and the marriage before then. He is still trying to blame shift to me, says my lack of affection and sex made him cheat. I validated that it sounded like he felt unloved in our marriage, he agreed. I then told him I also felt unappreciated and unloved, that he was very critical of me and I often had the feeling of walking on eggshells around him. I told him the big difference is I tried to "fix it" (albeit using the wrong tools) and he cheated. I told him that eventually he was going to have to examine why his coping mechanism in a difficult marriage was to turn outside the marriage for satisfaction and not toward the marriage. I told him the marriage was 50/50 but that the infidelity was 100% on him. He was defensive and upset again because he thinks I am "not getting it" but I stayed calm and steady and just validated while putting a boundary in place. I told him that while he may feel my (in)actions led to him cheating that the facts simply where he cheated and that falls on his shoulders.
WH also said a lot of things about never wanting to divorce me but wanting to cake eat. That he wanted me because he feels he can only talk to me in these deep ways, but he also wanted the OW for sex and spontaneity. I told him we were a lot like that in the beginning but when kids, bills and responsibilities come along it can hamper the aforementioned. I told him if he and OW ended up having kids (puked a little in my mouth) that she would quickly resemble me; tired, resentful and emotionally and sexually shut off. I told him as long as he sought happiness and fulfillment from others then he would repeat the behaviors. Again, there was a lot more but there isn't enough time to type it all out. These conversations are painful for me but enlightening. It also appears WH feels safe enough to finally communicate with me. I have controlled my responses so while I make it clear I don't agree with his POV I can still listen.
I had a DBing coaching session today and my coach basically said I was making huge and profound changes in how I behave and go through the emotions related to my M and the affair. He was struck by the fact that WH was finally talking so much. WH is a fairly sealed off guy and uses silences as his defense. WH is pouring out his fears and thoughts without any prompting towards me. This appears to reflect that WH is now turning back towards me. The coach also was glad to note I am moving in a week and therefore will be able to take care of SS a bit more. He complimented me on this week's behavior and using the techniques I have been taught in dealing with all this. I am feeling a little more evened out today, a little more stable and confident.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Hi Sara, Sounds like there's improvement. Good job on the validation. Svcks that your H is still trying to shift the blame on you though.
At this point in time, sounds like your H is not ready to admit culpability yet. Which means that now is probably not a good time to get him to see your POV. Because to him, it will sound like you're trying to guilt-trip him.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Sara,I am so proud of you and all of the work, effort and wisdom that you are pouring into healing emotionally, being patient with WH, and moving towards being the woman only a fool would leave.
You are a such an example for Dbing and detaching. I hope others in this community will see your story as there are many LBS's that are continuing to go down the cheesless tunnels.
You sweet Sara, are showing wisdom in taking action, learning from things that don't work, and moving forward.
(((Sara)))
By the way, it is time to drop the " Sad" from Sara. Maybe it should be "Sassy" Sara now.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Jksd, I think you're right. He's still neck deep in the fog and covered in shame. Defensiveness is basically his baseline right now, otherwise he would have to admit full culpability and also acknowledge what a selfish, horrible person would do such a thing to his pregnant wife. I don't see any sort of insight any time soon so I will continue working on my detachment.
Thank SH, I admit I slip up quite often. WH and I got into an argument on Friday night where he screamed at me until the conversation stopped. I ended up digging him and confronting when he said my inability to provide enough physical affection FORCED him to look outside the marriage. Which we know is complete BS but if it helps him sleep better, whatever.
It's been a crazy few days. WH went back to his work state and I am juggling a thousand balls while single-handedly moving my home, car and my children. The movers came yesterday (after 5:30 pm, who does that???) and the car shipper came today. We will all be staying at a colleagues house until Saturday and then fly down to my new place. Then it will be complete chaos while I unpack, get the kids sorted and internet/cable hooked up. Of course thoughts of WH and his possibly cheating again keep intruding on my thoughts but frankly there is nothing I can do about. that. I just gotta work on me.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Lots of conversations between WH and I lately. He is still all over the place and I try to validate where I can without letting my frustration/anger/sadness leak through. In one minute he's talking about plans for our future home and in the next breath he is saying he does not feel attracted to me anymore, he doesn't want to touch me or look at me and he doesn't think I will be able to love him like he needs. The detachment was pretty spotty yesterday when he said the last few things. I am feeling utterly rejected. He says it has more to do with him than me but it still hurt like a sumb*tch when your husband says these things. I didn't let on how cutting these comments made me feel but it did keep me awake last night .
WH also says he's now considering jobs in other states besides the one I am moving to. Honestly I am just baffled by his vacillation. He actually has an interview next week at a hospital only a few miles from my soon-to-be home. He doesn't seem to know what he wants. He tells me he doesn't want to be near me but would rather come to my place here and there to spend time with the kids. I did tell him that option was not sustainable as it left me in limbo and I was only willing to wait so long to see some sort of movement on his end. Then in the next breath he tells me he would sell one of his prized vehicles so we could buy me a new car when I get settled into my new place. He tells me I am worth any sacrifice. I was like...WTF??? Good thing I am not using his minute-by-minute decisions/thoughts/mood swings to determine my future plans.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Your WH sounds like a confused child. He really needs to see an IC. You can't tell him that, but reading your sitch I just cringe at hearing his immature thoughts, decisions and reactions. It's like the child that gets caught stealing a cookie from the cookie jar, blaming mom for telling the child he can not have a cookie until after dinner, being the reason for stealing.
Hang in there Sara. Maybe it's time to avoid any more talks and just focus on you. He is gonna need to get it together on his own at this point.
(((Sara)))
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
That is really a lot on you! But you really are working it. Sorry that you have to be on the receiving end of his spews. If he starts spewing again, don't take the bait. There really is no point talking to a person who is temporarily insane.
I wish I could smack your H for you.
Totally agree with SH.
He really is all over the place. I have a feeling that any pressure on him now will make him swing in the opposite direction that you want.
At this point, you really only can work on yourself. Keep showing that you are worth the sacrifice. He can see this but he might be feeling trapped. He's probably going through some sort of quarter-life crisis?
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
SH, It's funny you mention shelving the talks for now because I was thinking the same thing. Part of me feels like I am appearing to soft and like I am relaxing my boundaries. Tonight I was (honestly) less available with my time on the phone as I am packing the last of my stuff before me and the kids fly home tomorrow. YAY!!! WH appears to want me to act as his counselor but not have to really give anything back in return. He soooooo needs an IC but absolutely refuses to even consider it, so I am stopping that cheese less tunnel for now.
Jksd, I was starting to get into depressive thinking again and had to re-evaluate my goals, or rather remember them. I spent today saying good bye to friends and colleagues so was able to focus more on being in the moment then mulling over this smoking ruin of my marriage. My DB coach states it sounds like WH is going through an early mid life crises. he has an affair with someone 14 years younger, he buys two cars and three motorcycles during this time and then he talks about moving away permanently so he can "eat at restaurants, explore new cities blah blah blah." He has always had a problem with prioritizing but this had reached ridiculous levels lately.
Tomorrow I fly to my new home and start unpacking and getting this sorted. The two older kids will start summer camp on Monday and I will be doing some interviews for a nanny for the baby this week. WH will be coming in for a week on Monday and then after a week he will be gone for 3 weeks. I'll be updating here throughout the week. For now I am going to shower then collapse to bed.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
I agree with Painter. I always read your thread, but rarely comment because I feel unqualified to give advice.
I am very impressed with how you are handling yourself.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
