Hi Sandi - I'm not blaming DB, I'm just a little wounded right now. I just probably should have listened to myself a little bit more as well. Every situation is different, as your signature says, "do what works". That said, I don't necessarily believe anything would have ended up any differently had I of pursued her. She has always been the type to not accept apologies and push me away, place loads of guilt on me, not take any responsibly in our fights etc. And that remains the same today - she still blames me for not trying, or the things I did in the past, etc. I can't win whether I do try or don't. I don't know what she wants from me and at this point she has made it clear she just wants to be away from me. You are right of course, I don't feel she respects me at all which frankly isn't fair. I've worked so very hard to support this family, be a good father to our boys, a good guy and husband to my W but I have made some mistakes along the way. Should this be held over my head for the rest of my life - I should hope not but this is the question I need to ask myself. Even if she did agree to stay together, what would our relationship be like? Yes i love her but how can we maintain a healthy relationship if she is angry and resentful and can't let go of past events. She brought up some past events talking last night that she said I never apologized for - I corrected her and reminded of the profuse apologizing I did back in January but she doesn't accept it. There was a time back in February where I still saw a twinkle in her eye for me but that fire has been gone for months now.
Physical separation may be the only option at this point.
So I've put a call into the doc to try and get an appointment asap. I've barely been managing the emotional roller coaster with exercise and things are going from bad to worse so it's probably time to get some help. BTW - I ran my first organized 5k marathon last night. I can do 5k no problem but I tried keeping up with the pros and that nearly killed me. I did do well though and raised money for United Way at the same time. Felt good. In fact I felt great last night but of course woke up at 4am this morning thinking about everything again and I'm emotional again today. I can't keep going on like this.
My work situation is stressful as well as I work on short contract periods but there is a chance I may be offered full-time in the coming weeks - fingers crossed.
As for my current situation, my W has asked that either one of us move out (sure she means me) or we sell the house. As always she is extreme. I don't know what I'm going to do yet. We can't afford another apartment no matter how cheap. We have $20k on a line of credit and she proposed using that - it's the last bit of money we have access to. Also, from what I've read, if you are going to agree to moving out both couples need to agree on the purpose, are we trying to rekindle our relationship or is this just her way of trying to ease her way out of our M. In not so direct terms, I seem to have already gotten the I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore so I question the purpose. The only other option, which I don't think she would agree to, is to propose a deadline. We try for another 4 months if we can't get back on track by then we sell the house and move on. Doesn't put any further financial strain on us, we've been together for 20 years so what's another 4 months to truly see if we can work it or not before we tear apart our family.
Meantime, I'm trying to step back a bit and look at my W for what she is really like. Yes I love her but is it truly a healthy relationship, am I ever really going to be happy with her again - it's been a long time since we've truly been happy together (or at least she happy with me). I need to start acknowledging the negative things about her to help distance my emotions so have started a small list - emotional bully (she's very hard on me), constantly exaggerating the facts, short tempered, demanding/high expectations, opinionated (offers her opinion when no one asked for it), doesn't acknowledge her failings in our M - blames me for it all. I'm not trying to make up mean things about her to make me feel better, these are all true and I really should remind myself of them more often. Really, any time I think about the good times it should be tempered with the bad - but who has that much sense!
I've also joined a few local separation/divorce support groups and will try and attend some meetings in the coming weeks. I think meeting with folks face to face who are going through similar issues will help and give me a chance to talk about my situation. If I'm honest I don't think I've fully accepted that my W no longer loves me and does not want to be with me. My head knows it but my heart won't let go. Perhaps the AD's will calm my emotions and give me some perspective. I could never have imagined we would end up here! It just feels like a non stop nightmare.
Hi James , I don't think many of us ever understand how we ended up here. I've only read one story where I thought the W was right to leave and another more recently where the guy was cheated on but he came across as being away with the fairies and any R will be tough for him
I'm friends with a few ladies and gentlemen on here for a while and I would marry any of the ladies and marry my sister to the gentlemen without hesitation
It really seems that we are not the core issue , of course we weren't perfect but who is ?
I have inlaws. ( had inlaws ?) that if I told you how the W was treated you wouldn't believe me , no abuse more disdain and the H lives his life for him exclusively. The W is beautiful , inside and out and had a line of guys begging to marry her and still would have but she moans about H but accepts it.
You are doing well and I know you're not blaming DB but you are wondering if it's right. Who knows but if you do DB , you as a person will improve regardless and that's got to be a bonus
Get to the docs and settle your thoughts and feeling before what's best for you , regardless what W wants
W and I went for a walk on the weekend to talk about our situation. She says that one of us should move out, probably means me. That she'll always love me but doesn't feel that way about me anymore (basically saying I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore). I didn't beg or plead with her but did tell her that I love her and I don't think this is the answer but she was adamant about it. She says she just can't live like this anymore - she was crying for a while. We argued a bit during the walk as she was blaming me for everything and I felt compelled to defend myself a little bit but there wasn't much point. She is expecting us to have a follow-up conversation on the subject as she asked, and said I would, think about what she is asking for. Not sure what to do at this point. I don't want either of us to leave. If she left she would feel so resentful it would be the death nail to our already broken relationship. She wants to see me do the work here and that may mean me moving out but I'm concerned how the kids will react. They will be very upset for sure. My only idea as of now is to propose we try for 6 months and see what if we can pull things back together before we tear our family apart. Ask if she feels open to returning to the MC then we can do that (she already said she doesn't want to go - that she has made up her mind).
I don't know how to break through the icy wall she has built up. I haven't tried pursuing her, touching her etc. I did hold her hand and kiss her head when she was crying during our talk but that was it - that's the fist time I've touched her in months. I can see she has 'turned off the switch' as she put it. Will be very hard to get that opened up again. Comes down to an attraction and trust issue I suppose. She would need to be attracted to me enough to risk her feelings again.
I'll continue to keep myself busy going to the gym and running and busy with the kids but aside from that what can I do to show her (with sincerity) that I want this to work? I don't think she believes that I want to do what is required to make this work. She said as much that I've had all sort of time to try and fix things and I've done nothing. Told her she said she wanted time and space and I respected that. That told me that as much as she was playing hard ball she still expected me to try and work on things. Maybe she wanted to see if I would pursue her - if I cared enough to. I didn't pursue. All I know is at this point I do need to make an attempt to try and break through the icy wall. At least I can tell myself I did try as I haven't really pursued at all - may be too late at this point but who knows. I need to maintain my dignity and self respect so by pursuing I don't mean begging etc. I simply mean making a meaningful attempt to be nice and agreeable, to try and get her to talk with me about non-relationship stuff, be flattering to her perhaps, show some extra attention to her etc. I know this is off course for DB but my situation hasn't been a perfect fit here either so interested to see what you folks suggest.
Don't leave the house - I made that mistake and I'm paying for it every day. It will not help you DB, as MWD says it's easier when both are in the house. Also if it comes down to a full D - it puts you in a bad position.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
Ditto, don't move out. Work on fixing yourself to be a better person that only a fool would leave. You have to stand strong for the marriage. She won't respect you if you leave.
Me:49 W:45 M:19 T:22 EA confirmed and ended 8/2014 S:19,17 D:9,5
I just got off a phone call with our marriage counselor who we have not seen since January. I gave her a quick high-level of what's transpired and our current state and that the wife will not go see her for marriage counselling. She suggested telling my wife that we need to go see her to figure out how we are going to handle a separation amicably. MC says my wife won't go under the pretense of trying to fix the marriage at this point as it's if I have not heard what she is saying (that she's done). I guess if I can get her in there it will give us an opportunity to talk things out. The MC suspects that my wife had the resolve to split long before moving to the other bedroom which wasn't good to hear but it is what it is. I'm grasping at straws at this point, I will propose this to the wife today if I can get some time with her and see what she says. Either way we are going to need some mediation to help us repair the relationship or separate us. This seems the only logical next step at this point.
I imagine I'm going to get a big dose of reality if the meeting with the MC happens. I don't want to wallow in false hope so if she is truly done I need to hear it straight and having the MC there to clarify and confirm things to ensure this isn't emotional or game talk will be helpful. One way or another I'll know where I stand after that meeting. I know I'll probably fall apart afterwards - the thought of us breaking up is one thing, but the thought of our kids going through the hell that is to come tears my heart out. They will be shattered!
Any thoughts, comments or recommendations on any of this are welcome. Thanks!
I just spoke to my wife and told her I spoke to the marriage counselor and she agreed that we should come in and see her to help us work through the separation arrangements with her to keep things amicable. My W was not happy, said I blind sided her with this (really? - she dropped the absolution of done and separation bomb on me this past weekend), that we could do this ourselves (doubt it), that our money would be better spent getting lawyers which I responded that's not very amicable. She spouted all sorts of nonsense then left the room. She texted me 10 minutes later agreeing to go see the marriage counselor. I don't know what to make of her reaction but generally she is always looking for something to be mad about or give me a hard time over, as she did - she's angrier than ever these days. Other than that - who the hell knows!
