Her love language would be words of affirmation, maybe not number one but probably number 2. I think this is what she is looking for, I have learnt about her more over these months. I guess the question becomes, when someone else was/is involved, how much do I engage her LL's. Especially when I haven't seen any remorse for the whole period of this colleagues involvement.
It was not a complaint of hers, the main complaint was probably lack of time together. Unfortunately as I was building a house for us, and working full time, I got a balance wrong mainly because time was tight for us to move in. That and being physically and mentally exhausted. We did do things as a family but not enough just the 2 of us, it's not that I didn't want to, even friends said to W to organize a weekend away and they would look after the kids. Told her I was exhausted and to take me away. Something she didn't do, I think I was the one that needed to organize it. I have learnt about myself and acts of service is up there for me so if she had of planned something, it would have meant a lot to me. I have, however, sacrificed things for financial reasons that would have done me good.
Hmmm, maybe you could throw in some very measured words of affirmation once in a while? Something like, 'Thanks. The kids look like they're having fun.'
My x's love language is WOA and sincere thanks for things he's done seems to work well with him.
Don't initiate or pursue but when she reaches out, acknowledge and affirm?
I hear you about having time off as a couple. I should have done that too.
Should have. Could have. Would have.
I guess we'll just have to file this away for future use.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Thanks Grl, I will keep that in mind. In the last few weeks she has sent several emails and texts about the kids with the odd comment thrown in about herself.
When she was in the house, I did overhear a conversation with a friend that she was complaining how I wasn't happy with the way she loved me... I know so much more now about myself that she would love me by her LL's but didn't know mine. It's not all her fault since I'm learning some of these things about myself. She would thank me for everything, even if it was folding laundry or putting stuff away, I'm more of a physical touch than WoA so I know now how a big hug or kiss would have filled me more than a thank you for something that just needed to get done. Something more spontaneous if you will.
Why does it take a crisis to really learn about yourself? I know what I'm learning now will put me in a good position going forward, I get, and I did get her before, my W but I have seen how she has not really understood or 'got' me. When I read this books and stuff, I see how my 'love tank' or 'account', whichever word works, had been empty for a long time. Top that of with not doing anything for myself, there was nothing left to give.
I know how important it is to look after myself right now, to focus on me and the kids. I feel there are signs she is missing them but still on her own path for now. I feel more like my old self and my confidence in myself growing again, I will continue to improve and learn.
Have been more confused by W over the past few weeks but still working on me and moving forward.
Like I have mentioned, she seems to be more engaged with the kids, especially with son and his school. From what I've heard, when she posts on FB it is only with the kids. Nothing about her own new life as she called it. The contact is mostly initiated by her and I the last few weeks have had long emails and texts. They are still all about her, what she does for the kids, has done for her etc. So I don't see anything different there.
S7 had an interesting comment last night, he wanted to ask me a question about the Britta filter jug we have but he started by saying that he wanted to ask the question not mummy. As I have thought about it, it makes me wonder if she is still trying to pump him for information but trying to cover her tracks since I called her out on it. I will have to chat with S7 because I don't want him to be anxious about talking to me or asking me anything.
Waking up this morning on our 10 th anniversary to an empty house is a little difficult. Saw W last night as I dropped a couple of things at her place. She is not confident, certainly from her body language. She wouldn't maintain eye contact, I feel stronger again and was able to just stand straight and look her in the eye. She kept looking down a lot. She talked about the family day at her work tomorrow and how excited she was to take the kids. I did reply that I'm sure they will enjoy it as it was something I had always hoped to get to see but not to be. I was able to say it calmly and didn't effect me. Something definately caught her and she chocked back some emotion.
I also quickly mentioned something about one of the hockey trades a couple of days ago and there was a little interaction with that. Something we used to do a lot of. Then I just said I had to go and headed off.
I have no expectations, in some ways that makes me feel more at ease. I needed this time to heal, to rebuild myself after 2 years of exhaustion mentally, physically and emotionally. It's a shame my W wouldn't read some books, (at least I'm pretty sure she won't) having read the 5LL, reading how W's go to counseling alone to try and help their marriage. My W has not done that in our time, as soon as we started MC, she bailed after 1 session and only wanted to take us apart. For years it's always been me with the problem for her, always been me that needed the counseling. Yes we should have got some before,
Sorry got venting a little. I think it's because I see someone lost but know I can't directly rescue. She texted me yesterday saying S7 didn't want to go to soccer and that she didn't want to force him but also asked for my thoughts.. This one I answered briefly.
I think she is still in the stage of wanting her single life with me as a good friend, not something I'm prepared to be. I have questioned her involvement with someone else but I doubt he is out of the picture in terms of inappropriate friendship.
Anyways, on to another day and weekend with my kids. Looking forward to that.
Sorry I haven't followed lately, please do not think about W. Focus on you and the kids and enjoy the weekend.
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
Yes I know Jim, thanks. Today has been more difficult being our anniversary but I know to just keep going forward. Have arranged to get out with a friend tonight for a beer or 2. So will hit the gym and get some frustration out and have some time out later. Certainly wasn't going to spend the night at home tonight.
My weekend will be busy with the kids, Sunday is my last hockey game of the season and we will be having a big bbq afterwards, happy to have the kids with me for that.
