Working on me and letting it play out

[Accuray]

Nice job cbtdad. I'm glad you at least got the topic out in the open and I agree it will take quite a bit more time. It sounds like you're in a good place.

Acc

[cbtdad]

Thanks Acc
Yes, it came out in a way that I didn't need to "push it"
I've realized at this point that it's all about time

[betterm]

Hey Buddy, How's CBT doing these days? I've been away from forums, but wanted to swing by and say hi. It looks like you're still making progress, doing MC, etc...

One question, I might've missed a few posts, but it seems like after MC you post update and say you did most of the talking...

What happens in MC if you take sit silently and take a more passive role in the session?

[cbtdad]

Hey betterm! Thanks for stopping by. I've been following your posts and you seem to be doing fantastic. You now know the meaning of detachment! It's a great feeling isn't it?

I am doing great. Continuing to try and better myself everyday. I am really doing a lot of listening. Just listening and not trying to fix things. This is a huge 180 for me. It is actually nice to see W opening up more to me about life.
Now when we get in MC that is still tougher. W does not like to talk or express "feelings and emotions"
She has been like this for a long long time and it definitely stems from childhood. That's why I am taking the approach of working on me right now. Whatever she does right now isn't effecting me. It's nice to be detached.
She will have work to do on herself if this marriage is going to work. That I do know. So I will take the first step and hopefully this will get her taking small steps.
Only time will tell.
For now I am in a good place and really like where things are

[betterm]

Sounds like you are doing the right things, cbt. the detachment is something that's kind of whacky. I realized the more you "try" to detach or "actively detach", the tougher it is. The strange thing occured when I just stop "trying" to do XYZ, and just focused on other things, and then, BOOM, detached. of course, there are swings here and there, but it's all about being in control of yourself, your actions, when they arise.

It's good that you are listening more, I've taken this approach, not so much with my W, because she's still saying craaaaaazy sh1t quite regularly, but just to other people that are around in my life. co-workers, friends, neighbors, family, etc. it's really changed my perspective on how to be present for other people, something I've realized that I was not good at in the past. (I think you know, I suffer from severe ADHD and this can make things extremely difficult to "care" about what others have to say from time to time).

I hope your W sees the "steps" your making to better yourself, and follows your lead. In the beginning, this was something my W was not capable of even seeing, and recently she's even admitted a couple specific things that she's found about herself that she knows she needs to work on. Now, if she's actually going to do anything about it, who knows. But I've reached the point where if she comes home tomorrow, I'd be very cautious about and reconciliation talk, and I know that's going to throw her for another loop, and probably create a little friction again, but that's okay, I'm just doing me.

you've been a good friend through this, I like reading your progress, keep it up, cbt!

[cbtdad]

Thanks betterm
I do think W is seeing the "steps"
At least she says so in MC. But she is definitely skeptical and it's just gonna take time. It does seem more and more that things are headed in the right direction, but you never know.
Interesting thing today that kind of tested my mind frame.
I was cleaning out my gmail account and I came across emails to myself that I saved from 3 years ago. They were screen shots that I had taken from snooping when W was involved with OM
I must say it was very tough to go doen that path and see those again. I haven't deleted them yet and I don't know why.
Seeing them brought up some very tough memories of being lied to over and over.
I must say this time though that "pit in the stomach" feeling lasted less than a minute and I was over it.

[cbtdad]

So on top of the stress of paramedic school and our son looking like he will be diagnosed with ADD. My MIL has lung cancer.
She lives 8 hours away. My W is her medical power of attorney and has dealt with a lot between her sisters. Even though her sisters live where their mom does she doesn't speak to them
they all had a fallen out about 4 years ago over money.
Well she just sent me a screen shot of a text her brother sent her about how bad her mother is doing lately and that she is getting a lot weaker quickly. I know this is going to put an unbearable amount of stress on my W.
I responded to the text, "that [censored]. I'm so sorry. How are you feeling?"
So all I can do is try and be there for her and not add to the stress. That's the game plan
I just know that something like this can really effect a marriage, much less a marriage that is struggling at the moment

[Coconut]

I'm sorry to hear about your MIL, I've recently gone through it with family members and it is devastating. I imagine this is going to put unbelievable stress on your W, not only having to be there for her mom, but also how that is going to interfere with her schooling,

Have you thought about what you are willing to do to help out? I would imagine being with your MIL so you can be the eyes and ears there for your W when she can't be there would go a long way. But that is a lot to do, and would be a lot of your W to ask of you.

I agree with your last statement of not adding to the stress, this would not be an ideal time for R talks, but I also don't think it would be the time for your W to stop counseling, I dont think that 1 HR a week would be too much to devote to you two.

I will keep your MIL in my prayers.

[cbtdad]

Thanks for the prayers and thoughts Cnut

I didn't end up getting off work till around 7
W asked if I would like to join her and another friend of ours for dinner
I told her yes, I was on my way.
Well I got stuck behind a wreck and told her
To go she was without me so they wouldn't have to wait
She said she would order. I said no, I don't want y'all to have to wait
She then said, "ok fine"
I said, "sorry if your mad. Just didn't want y'all to have to wait"

Anyways fast forward and hour and she gets home
We barely say anything to each other. Not because I'm mad, im just tired and she was out in garden.
Anyways I go upstairs and ask if she talked to her brother and mom.
She said no. Said she just couldn't deal with it.
I just said, lobviously you don't want to discuss it. Good night"

This is the women I am married to. She just buries her feelings and emotions.
She doesn't talk about these things.
It's why I've said so many times now that if she doesn't work on herself and these
Issues that it will never work
We won't be able to be happy

I do want to help however I can. But if she doesn't want to discuss it then I'm not sure what I can do

[Coconut]

Just be really careful with your choice of words, obviously you don't want to talk about it, does not come across as caring or understanding. My opinion is your W has the right to process her emotions on this, everyone deals with the stress of major illness and death differently, and I personally think you need to validate that she does have emotions about it, and let her know you're there if she needs you. Something like "I understand that this adds a lot on your plate, I am here if you would like to talk about it, but for now I will give you space to work through your emotions".

I understand what you are saying about the negative aspect of bottling up emotions, but I personally think death falls outside the "we need to share to have a healthy M". I think death and illness is more of a personal process. At least it is for me.