Lou - it's so nice to hear an update from you! I am sending positive karma your way. You have made tremendous strides and I am in awe of you!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Thank you so much for your kind words of support Bttrfly, Bright, Gwen and H
This is more of a winge and vent post, I am so upset and yes, angry today ...
First before I start, sx2 and h folks have been told of the impending reconciliation (which is currently in jeopardy already) S19 took it ok, said as long as i am happy he is happy. S22 reacted badly, and I do mean badly, big vent from him which I allowed him to do so he could feel like he was being heard. He really is anti his dad, feels he cannot be trusted to not do it again and why would I even think about taking him back after what he has done to me and our family. Lots more added. I replied I understand his concerns and his opinions and that I hope that in time his d will earn his trust back, just like he has to earn mine. S finally came around to seeing that I have to give this a go, I have to give this a chance for me. MIL said she thought we might get back together (don't know how she came to that conclusion, no one tells her anything lol). I am sure FIL will private email me with his thoughts in the near future.
House Hunting ugh, seriously difficult to find a place that allows dogs. Under 4 weeks until they arrive and I am no further forward in this task.
Course 1 - passed Assignment 1 for course 2 in and awaiting marking. All on track, so far so good.
So to my winge - S19 mentioned h is getting another tattoo this week. Yesterday was "payday" for me, his payment (small as it is) to me. We had agreed that he would delay the next few to help him with moving costs and having some time off between jobs so I did not expect one ....until I found out about the tattoo. So when I did not receive anything, I text him to ask if he intended to pay. He said no, he thought we had agreed to delay a couple and was that not ok now?
I replied, "its fine, I agreed to help you out with moving here and some down time for us - but will say however, that you seem to have found enough for frivolous spending this week tho"
H replied "I will send payment now. S22 has asked f you can lend him $350 for a couple weeks?"
I replied " thank you. Yep no probs"
Then we got in to a text debate about money and spending wisely etc. He then sent me the cost of the tattoo and that he has been saving for ages but thought it would be a long way off, until the guy rang him to say that he would do it half price as it was quiet and could do with the custom. $350, pretty much the amount he has, so it means he can have it done pre moving which is great"
Oh this set me off !! So first I pointed out that $350 is a weeks rent, 6 months bins, 3 weeks food ....then I said, Needs, Wants, Priorities. This is my world, this is how I have to live, not because I want to, because I HAVE to. You have debts, you have moving costs, living costs pre next job, how can you justify the spend - oh and tell S22 I have lent him the $350" I had transferred it before h told me the amount of the tattoo ... coincidence that it happens to be the same amount ??
H went quiet for a bit and then came back with a long email justifying his decision. That life is too short, he is not going to live life working himself in to the ground and have nil treats and nil quality of life for doing so. We operate in two different worlds right now, the cost is under a days wages for him. He feels this is his way of feeling sane in a crap world. He knows it will change once moved, he is very aware that it has to, so is treating himself while he can
Am I completely overreacting here?
I have not replied to him. I am so angry that I may say something I regret. I am upset he his getting another tattoo, I really dont like the ones he already has. I am more upset about the money and his justification to spend it. But as he has now paid me my monthly payment and I cannot prove the money lent s22 is for the tattoo then I know that its not my place to tell him what to do with his money as much as he cannot tell me what to do with mine.
It just adds to the latest feelings of "what the heck am I doing getting back with him" Life was so much easier on my own, unfortunately its taken him coming back for me to see that !!
Thanks for letting me spill this out, II feel like I am about to explode
So sorry for the bumps in this journey. I wish I could say I am surprised but my dear friend this is probably par for the course. I think you've both talked a lot long distance but have not had much interaction in the "real world" - Finances and geography have dictated that this reconciliation move forward more quickly in some areas. I think it will be a challenge. I am rooting for you from the sidelines and sending you strength.
Be true to yourself Lou. (((hugs)))
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Hi Lou - on the heels of Gwen's very wise post, my advice is to prepare to see some immature and very odd behavior. I think this is where you will need tremendous patience and really rock bottom expectations. I can only imagine that you both will need a hearty dose of time and space from each other despite living together.
As my h is a live-in I try to post a lot about what I am seeing and hearing so that those with limited contact or with vanishers don't go down the road of thinking that their MLCer is some sort of new and improved version of him/herself. These people developmentally regress in all ways.
According to all the reading I have done, when the MLCer comes home it is merely the end of the beginning of his crisis. Crazy, warped timescale, I know. I often picture flipping an hourglass and having one grain of sand come down over the period of a few days. It passes so slowly, you're not even sure it's really moving.
You have raised teenage boys so you know the time it takes for them to grow up. I have an almost 13 year old and I now see so many similarities between him and my almost 50 year old MLCer.
Thankfully, your h has already been doing some work in himself through IC. Long groan on this one, but, I am sure it comes down to tremendous patience and no expectations.
Thinking of you.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Sorry to hijack Lou but thanks for posting your observations HaWho. My H is a world class vanisher mastered in the art of ghosting after 25 years. My thoughts can play mind tricks on the GAL front and your posts help me realize his new reality might not resemble anything I imagine it to be. It doesn't change the tragedy but it helps me stay focused and invested what I can control without sliding into bitterness. Thank you for combating that horrid by-product of the LBS.
Lou - You are always so positive but yet you are human so vent and cry and rage here. We are your safe harbor as you sail in uncharted seas.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Hi babe, Well, we needed to learn to uncouple as LBS, so I guess we also need to learn to re-couple during piecing and reconciliation, right?
I think the trick will be to keep it focused in the present - which you seem to be doing beautifully. I don't know that I could do that, Lou. I'd be so tempted to bring up old stuff, but that would derail everything immediately.
The larger point might be this dearest: you've been managing on your own for quite a bit now. You may need to re-think how the finances are going to mesh up ... I speak for myself when I say that right now, I feel like there is no way in hell I'm going to be willing to mesh finances ever again with someone. We can split expenses like roommates, but my money is my own. Not sure if some version of that resonates with you? xoxoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Lou, Congratulations on Course 1 passing! That's wonderful. Everything looks to be on track w/your courses.
Now, let's talk about your h, his moving and his expenses. I hate to say this, but you are going to be up for a huge challenge in the weeks ahead because your h is still in crisis. You are the one looking for a new place to live, you are being short changed w/support money and this will not change once he's under the same roof w/you...at least not for a while. Please, whatever you do, do not mesh your finances together. Keep them separate for at least 18-24 months. You do not want him to have access to your accounts and then you go there to pay finances and there be no money in the accounts.
Also, what is he going to do about a job? He is retiring and will have a pension coming in? You may be the soul supporter for a while...how do you feel about that? Your expenses will most likely double when he moves back in, i.e., food, entertainment, etc.
Your h is still of the opinion that life's too short and he's going to live it to the fullest and if that means spending money on tattoos or anything else, he's going to do that. The more you point this out, the more determined he's going to be do those things. You do not want to lecture him as you will come off sounding like his mother. What I would suggest is setting up a spreadsheet indicating what comes in and what goes out each month. Hopefully this will show him that money isn't as readily available as he thinks.
The hardest part of the MLC journey is reconciling and living under one roof. Even though they come home, they are still suffering from the after affects of the crisis and it takes 18-24 months for them to settle down. They will try your patience and trust me, they are watching your reactions to what they do and then they will say "if you aren't happy w/me being here, I can move out". Lou, you will need a shipment of patience shovels in the months ahead. We'll put an order in for them as well a duct tape and STFU smoothies. It does take the patience of JOB to get through the last hurdle of settling down for them. I am hoping that both of you can find a way to stick this out and go on to live happy and fulfilling lives together.
Thank you so much Bttrfly, HaWho, Gwen and job, your advise is so valuable to me always.
So very long story short - I lost the tattoo battle, but won the beard one as a trade off lol. The beard is going whohoooo !!
Been a huge couple of days talking wise. It got to the point of saying things just to fight my point which I dd not really care about anymore. You are very right job, arguing for the sake of it will get me nowhere, time to dig out those duct tape shares once more he he.
You are all right about the financial side of things - actually h suggested we need to keep our own accounts so that we keep that independence and have a joint account set up for just rent and bills. He said that way he feels like he can treat me and I him without it feeling like it has been with joint money. I am happy with this arrangement, I am still in control of my own finances and we have also agreed that if I do have a short fall one week he will pick up the remainder as he has higher earnings than me.
As for jobs, he will be going back to work after having a few weeks off. He has a resume as long as your arm and qualifications in lots of things so wont find it difficult to get employment. He has the option of joining an agency driving trucks until a position he fancies comes along, so he wont be without an income. He has saved all his annual leave and together with what he has already saved, the proceeds from selling his furniture and his bond return on his rental, that will not only see him through but pay his half of a holiday we have decided to take October time - to have time out, just us, no jobs, kids, distractions.
I am viewing a house on Monday, its an open viewing so I have to take the application along with me. Its a good location and size so hopefully we will be successful, then that will be one thing off my plate.
For the first time since this all began he told me he loves me and the days can't go quick enough for him to be with me. He said for him this is forever. It was a really good to hear that, it has been an age since I have, and I truly feel he means it as those kinds of words don't come easy from him, he is the kind of guy that thinks them, but never says them.
He said that he is so pleased I stood up for myself and what I believed in against him, that it was refreshing and whist on this occasion I did not win the point, he did listen and felt a lot of what I said was very valid, and with a bit of practice I will be debating like a pro.
Oh dear Lord, give me strength !!
Result is; we have survived the tattoo incident, things are still on track. Job - you are so right, this is the hardest part, dealing with the aftermath of the past couple of years and trying to put two people who are now different back together is a challenge and its only just the beginning.
Bttrfly - Throwing the past at h would be easy but counterproductive. To be honest the past couple yrs have become a blur, I recall what he did and said but the sting has faded. Yes I do get affected by it, especially at times like these when he is out spending money when I am living paycheck to paycheck. The past has to be put in a box and on a high shelf to get dusty so that we can move forwards. That's not saying that we shall never talk about what happened but now is not that time, I am still too raw and he is still too broken.
He feels guilt for what he did to me, he feels shame for hurting his family and disappointment for letting himself down as a man, husband and father. I don't need to throw anything at him, he is doing it all on his own.
I LOVE YOU - I got those words today, today is a good day xoxo
Lou I'm so pleased about how things are turning out for you! All your hard work and patience has paid off, I hope we will all get our chance to reconciliation, I wish all our DBers get theesult they hope for.
Congrats on your course too, you must be so proud of yourself. Keep up the good work in all fronts sweeties, hugs from me xxx
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Assignment 1 for course 2 in and awaiting marking. All on track, so far so good.
