Chapter 2, She moved out - I win! I think

[Cristy]

Hi Bigybiz,

Wow! Your wife said she wants to move back home because she misses the kids?

Proceed very cautiously! Boundaries aren't the only thing you need to consider.

You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. You have been working with a DB Coach, right? Now would be a good time to have a conversation with him/her so you can get a plan in place regarding the best way to proceed.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[bigybiz]

Thanks - any pointers? She is coming over tonight.

Help Help

M

[J5K]

bigy,

Just a thought but maybe you should say something like the following.

If you decide that you will return to the marital home we will have to discuss some rules prior to your return.

If the agreed upon rules are not met I will (.....add consequence here).

Vets would know how to word this better but I am trying. Look for Cadet's Work Thread. There is a post on it by Coach that explains boundaries.

[bigybiz]

Thanks - I read the boundaries thread. It was full of good info. Not what I'm looking for in particular.

The key for me is she coming back for her because she feels lonely, bad, etc?

I don't want to be a doormat.

[sandi2]

Here's my biggest concern. You appeared to be happy when she left, almost gleeful. You talk as though your life has been better with her absence. So, how will your feelings be impacted if she returns?

It is not a good sign, IMHO, that she wants back b/c she misses the kids.........and no mention of her H........land blaming him for her pushing her out. I don't know the laws about this, so I suggest you check.......if you don't want to let her come back. Is her name on the house?

If you can't stop her, then you better set some ground rules.

[bigybiz]

Sandi2 - once again you hit the nail on the head. Yes, I was relieved when she moved out. I really felt it was the only way I could properly detach and it was working. I was moving on. I do know she hated it. The kids and I were doing great. In fact the few times she saw S15 & S10 - they both almost saw it as an obligation. She had to think of things to do with them and be an active parent, not play on her computer or phone on her own and be a parent when she felt like it as she had done for months. BTW D20 really has no time for her, but she is ticked at me too - c'est la vie. S15 actually said to me that he doesn't miss her.


We were having parties, the house was running smooth, projects were still going ahead, etc.


As Sandi2 and her DB colleagues say she was probably experiencing the loss that she had implemented. She was resenting paying into a house she was not living in and/or enjoying. Of course she was going to say I pushed her out and never admit to missing me - don't believe anything she says right.


In Ontario she has the right to move back in.


So yesterday I told her that I understand she feels isolated and is missing the kids, her home etc. Then I told her that living under the same roof as separated is not a good idea for either of us to move on. For the next week or two if she wants to come over and visit a little more often that's OK - temporarily.


I plan on staying in this home and we would need to discuss buying each other out. If she wanted to move back in with a path towards reconciliation with counselling, videos, books, etc that would be fine. Otherwise we will scrape together the $ to get her a proper place and the kids can go back and forth in a formal shared custody arrangement.


When she left we had some fleeting talks about reconciliation (which we've done before - hopeful but not holding my breath).


She is coming for dinner tonight. I will be dark today and my hunch is so will she so I won't know anything until about 6pm.


How was that for boundaries, rules, etc?

[PacLove]

bigybiz - not bad, stay away from the R talks though unless she proposes them.

I don't know as if I would have done the temporary thing, I've really tried to hold my ground on that W was pushing it a little too much early on, wanting to stop by on her non-nights and I had to lay the line down. It's too easy to snowball and then you come off as being a hard-a$$ when you want to go back to the agreed days.

Good luck with Dinner tonight. as DR says, accept some but not all...

[bigybiz]

PacLove:

I'm OK with her coming over on "non nights" until July 1st. She has to relocate from where she is - that is a big problem. But her moving in on a in house basis is a no go for me.

[J5K]

bigy,

I think you handled it well. As Sandi would say your WAW has to do the work now to come back to the family.

Good luck this evening.

[bigybiz]

I'm looking forward to hearing Sandi2's reply to my post.