Shh . . . Nobody Use the Dreaded "M" Word

[HaWho]

Thanks Job. Yes, I forgot I was doing this a lot a while ago to counteract the doom and gloom MLC music spilling out of the dorm room. It was a sanity saver. Plus the kids need to hear uplifting music, too. I will redouble my efforts here. Thanks. Simple advice but powerful.

Today was a better day. Mostly I just thought about how unattractive of a person this is. I (again) thought about all the gross things he has wanted in MLC. I have seen the darkest parts of this man and I just wonder if I am ever going to be able to move past it all. Am I ever going to look at him as that good man again? I have seen crazy things and I don't know if I am ever going to look at these from the lens of a rear view mirror. I know no one can answer this for me. So it's just me thinking aloud as I don't discuss all this with any people face to face.

In other news, during the summer, on late Friday afternoons, friends meet up at the beach. Last summer this was a disaster for me. H was a weirdo teenager who was 6 feet off from other couples, on his own towel with his headphones in and working on his tan. I kept fantasizing that one of those fluke sand sinkholes would gobble him. "Oop- I don't know where he went??? He was just there!"

I went with some not-too-close neighbor friends but it was all so awkward. Once, when h decided he wouldn't drive with me (because he was a too-cool teenager), we left from the same point, drove in heavy beach traffic and found separate parking. When h showed up moments later, one of the dads asked where h came from. H answered "home" and everyone knew I came from home. So then, logically, and conversationally, people asked "so you two have separate plans tonight?" And h said "no, we are both going home" as though it was all normal. It was awful. There was this painful silence and one dad said "why, when the traffic and parking is so bad??" I just felt so bad for my kids that this was their father. (Thankfully, they were already in the water and at least I was spared that embarassment).

I dreaded his arrival and his stay. Fortunately, the couple is Canadian and so they are super polite and don't say anything to me. Though when they were out of earshot I am sure they were scratching their heads and trying to make sense of what they saw.

They of course are this normal, model couple. They knew of a woman, their neighbor, on their street, who was running around have an affair with a married man in our neighborhood. The Canadian h, off line, said he just didn't get the appeal of it all. He wondered why people would live that way. He said why not just separate vs. sneaking around? And I thought, boy, if they had any inkling of my h's own desires. Canadian h seems so wholesome; like the real deal. I have never once seen him be gross or disrespectful to his wife. She is so fortunate. Guess they both are.

Anyway, I don't want h there this summer. I really don't. It is embarrassing. We start tomorrow and I have no intention of telling him or inviting him.

The thing is, if s12 tells him/invites him, what then? It's awful. His presence is like airing my dirty laundry. And the thing is, he might remember we do this on Friday afternoons and know where we meet so he may just show up.

I want to enjoy the beach with other adults; not to go with my weirdo man-child h and be the talk of the town. I want some dignity for me and my kids. I can't believe I am saying this: but I would rather he went back out with his loser MLC friends. Seriously. That is how much I dread this.

Thing is: if he asks, do I say something?

[Sotto]

Hi HaWho, I'm sorry for your H's behaviour and the impact on you. I guess I would say - do you get to control whether he goes or not? If he chooses to go, is there much you could do about it?

For sure, I would let go of the whole - what do others think and these wholesome couples - thoughts. Who knows what may be going on behind the scenes with them? I guess you could always say to H - if you want to go then let's go together as parking is so bad - but if he wants to make his own way I suppose he will. If so, try and shrug and enjoy yourself. Maybe you could enrol him into a Friday afternoons summer camp learning how to compose morose music to keep him busy??

Xx

[job]

I agree w/Sotto's posting. Unfortunately, you don't have any control over what he says or do...but you do have control over how you react to him and his behavior.

I wouldn't worry too much about him and his behavior. I would go and enjoy myself. I also wouldn't worry about what other people think...why? Because no one knows what goes on behind closed doors and who are they to judge others?

Go, have fun and relax!

[Esame]

HaWho as hard as it sounds, you shouldn't let what people think of your relationship bother you. As Sotto said their lives cannot be that perfect anyway. One thing these last few months have taught me is that there is no perfect fairytale, everyone has weird and crazy in their life and that's fine. The way I see it, you are doing the best for your family and if H is crazy so be it, and if people think you are insane to put up with it, that's their opinion and nobody asked for it.

[2Times2Many]

HaWho, it took me a long time to shed thoughts about what others thought of me, my sitch or how I handled it. It seemed like everyone who "thought" they knew what was going on had an opinion on how I should react, behave, etc. and didn't mind voicing their opinions and advice. It was maddening.

I finally realized that they don't walk in my shoes, they don't know what goes on day in and day out in my life, they have no clue as to what motivates me to do what I do or what I hope to gain. I do what I do because it is to my benefit to do so and because I want to and I do it with the hope, no .... faith, that this will eventually pass. (It also taught me not to be judgemental of others and how they live their lives.)

Please try to put that stuff out of your mind and focus on enjoying yourself.

[Irish M]

HW
I was once part of a wholesome Canadian couple, that many said they wished they had half of a relationship with the values and love we shared.

Look what happened to me.

Look out for your interests. People close to you already see what's happened and will think what they want. As bad as it is sometimes your H crisis is his own. You witness it because he is home. Many would love their spouse acting this way instead of moving out and falling for a bandaid addition of a OM or OW.

Keep your strength. I'm a fan

Irish

[AJM]

They of course are this normal, model couple. They knew of a woman, their neighbor, on their street, who was running around have an affair with a married man in our neighborhood. The Canadian h, off line, said he just didn't get the appeal of it all. He wondered why people would live that way. He said why not just separate vs. sneaking around? And I thought, boy, if they had any inkling of my h's own desires. Canadian h seems so wholesome; like the real deal. I have never once seen him be gross or disrespectful to his wife. She is so fortunate. Guess they both are.

Right. Be very careful of that thinking, HW. You have absolutely no idea what goes on.

I can recall having that same conversation with my ex years before she took a ride on the MLC train. She asked the same questions that H did.

Mid life is a crazy time for many many people. Men, women, preachers, teachers, lawyers, brick-layers etc. are all susceptible.

Be thankful it's not you but don't kid yourself. The only common pre-cursor to MLC behavior is to be human.

Separately, I heard a bar top confession from a nice old lady having a drink while I waited for my take-away. People often do that with me for some reason (I don't interrupt or remind them of somebody? I'm not sure why, but...) She was telling me how much she used to care what people think. This is a woman who raised two kids, is single (I didn't ask why) and drives a three-wheel motorcycle to dinner. She felt like that was such a waste of her time earlier in life. She was sure she was raised that way, but it clearly didn't work for her now.

I know a lot of old people that feel the same way. I always have. I just decided early on I wouldn't wait to be old to not care what others felt about my actions. Think you'll be older and not care what others think?


AJ

[mleigh4]

Hi HW. I agree with all the posts above. I just wanted to chime in with saying, first, that things are not always what they seem with others.

Also, what others think does not matter What YOU think and feel is what counts.

As far as the beach outings, you can't control your H. Go and have fun. If he comes, I would try to include him in the fun. If he distances himself like before, just go about your business as normal. Your fears are understandable, but you can't let them control you. The outings sound like a blast, so go with chin up, smiles and laughter and enjoy!

[Kyh]

I do don't have to much to add as everyone has said it above but I know those feelings all to well. When w was home she would go out in her black heavy metal band hoodies/shirts (idk if we're supposed to be to specific on the board). I was always wondering what others thought seeing her us out as a family with her dressed like that, or the time she told d's friend's mom the concert she had just gone to and she said "whoa, I don't think I could go to something like that." I needed some facial piercings or maybe a neck tattoo so we looked like we belonged together. She must have got over that phase because I haven't seen her dressed like that in awhile. W also played a depressing song about death and birth over and over. I wanted to take her phone and throw it like a frisbee.

Try not to worry about others, it could be them next as it was for so many of us here.

[HaWho]

Thanks to Sotto, Job, Esame, 2X2Many, Irish, AJM and Mleigh for all the great wisdom and advice. You guys helped me so much!

I took a few days, thought it all over and tried to figure out what bothered me about these beach days. In thinking about it, what bothers me is I don't like pretending. So I will just ignore it and go about my business. That's all I can do.

So Saturday was another weird MLC day. Boys were doing chores and S12 was getting mouthy with me. All normal stuff for his age but he needs some boundaries. I took his phone away and told him he was not going out with friends as planned.

Later h took S10 to the park. Then h called to tell me: "if you want s10, he is at the park; he wouldn't leave with me." Then he hangs up!

I call back and ask him what he's talking about. He says the same thing as above. I tell him that s10 is 10 and can't be left places. Then I tell him that he is unbelievable. And I am exasperated. And he knows it.

I go to pick up S10 and ask what happened. Seems s10 and h were on the same mental wave length. S10 was not being cooperative, h got frustrated. H walked away for a bit to collect himself and returned telling s10 it was time to go. s10 refused and so h left him! I reprimand s10 and tell him he needs to leave when an adult tells him it's time to go. S10 asks why h left him and says adults shouldn't do that.

I run a few errands with both kids. We talk a lot about the events of the morning. When I return h is not home. He comes home a few minutes later. H pulls S10 aside and tells him to stay in his room for not listening. And then he pulls S12 aside and tells him to go to his room for the rest of the afternoon for mouthing off to his mother. Wow! He is parenting!!! And in that calm, quiet authoritative manner he used to have!! This is the first I have seen in so long.

Later from the dorm room, which is 15 feet from the kitchen, he texts me that the boys can have dinner and then play outside for an hour and then back to their rooms.

I text back telling him they have something they are baking for Father's Day and ask if they can they have some time to complete that. They have done a lot to prepare for the day.

And here's where it gets weird. He texts that they are going to be in their rooms all of Father's Day and we won't be celebrating the day at all! I wait until we are in a room alone and I tell him this is too severe; that the kids have done a lot of work and it's a holiday. I tell him that they love him and want to show it. He tells me it's not too severe and that when he was young and did x (something very mild and normal) his mother did y (another one of her weird, but sadly typical draconian punishments). I tell him that I am sorry, but no kid deserves that and that though what he proposes is much better milder, it is still too severe.

He quietly leaves and goes to the dorm room. I text him telling him that by not letting the kids celebrate his day he is withholding love. And I know just where he learned that stunt. I tell him time is finite and what they did is too mild for us all to ignore Father's Day.

And I can't help but wonder if *he* doesn't want to celebrate it because he doesn't feel he deserves it??? Is this projection?

He texts back that he feels he is teaching them a lesson by "forgoing" his day. And says he feels like a hypocrite taking a break from their punishment to celebrate his day.

I text that celebrating the day is the opposite of hypocritical. It teaches them forgiveness and unconditional love. He texts that I am a difficult person and a hard person with whom to co-parent! Ha!!! That's a laugh. There's pure projection. I want to ask: "how difficult was I to co-parent with when you were in hardcore replay for 24/7?" But I sip it. Then he texts that he only wants them to meet their potential.

I tell him that one of the key ways to help people meet their potential is to teach them unconditional love and forgiveness. I tell him that they love him and want to celebrate his day with him and we should never withhold love.

Later I hear him call them down. And as I pass by to take the dog out, I hear him reasoning with them. He tells S12 to be respectful and S10 to be reasonable. He tells them that I am a more forgiving person than he is and that he was raised in a harsher fashion. (The latter being a HUGE understatement!) Hmm. There are those lovely generational parenting dynamics at play. His mother was only doing what was done to her and so on and so forth...

Father's Day was nice. They boys did a nice job. We went out for the afternoon and h at one point was talking future. He told me when the kids are older we should all move to x neighborhood. I want to ask: as continued roommates?!? Ha ha.

There was one interesting other thing that happened. We took a ferry. H was finishing lunch with boys and I went to hold seats while they finished. As I boarded one of the workers, a handsome guy, gave me a big smile and asked how I was. He didn't ask others in the line so well, uh, you know. On the way out h and kids got out before me. I let a few bikers off and as I was leaving, same deal with this worker. Big smile and a "how was the ride?" Of course h was there and this time he saw that I was singled out. He stared the guy down! And looked really mad for a while afterwards. Oh how I wanted to say: "something tells me that guy wouldn't opt to sleep downstairs." Ha ha! First time I have seen him jealous and or seem to realize I am a woman!