Thanks, Job. He'd stay in the guest room. We haven't slept in the same bed for nearly 3 years. I think I'd be okay with him staying here mostly because I've been on my own for so long that I don't know if I could live with someone again and want to figure that out. It would also give me an opportunity to get a better gauge on where his head is.
He did give me a baby step this weekend. He called this morning without any kind of prompting from me. He told me on our "office call" on Friday that he might call on Sunday and I replied that I'd love that. He called.
But I think he lied about his plans for his evening. I know his pattern and I texted something related to our phone convo and didn't get a quick answer. Not the usual for "staying home on my own" behavior. Who knows.
H will be back in about 10 days.
As for me, I haven't posted in a while. My son and his family were here last weekend. The grandkids wore me out. My S did some grilling for all of us and fixed one of my favorite appetizers. It was a treat for me.
I finished up my laser facials a couple of weeks ago and am pleased with the results. The esthitician (spelling?) wants me to do the needling thing next. I don't know much about that process so will check into it. I have to admit it's really nice to hear people you haven't seen in a while say you look great.
Last night was girl's out night to see "Tarzan." All of us are big Alexander Skaarsgard fans, so we were anxious to see him play Tarzan. Lots of fun.
BIL was off half of last week and most of next week. YEAH! A whole different dynamic at the office. I think H is beginning to see the problems there. When he was here last time he said he understood what I've been trying to tell him and recently asked my opinion about BIL's performance. I gave it to him but made sure to preface it with a disclaimer that I found it hard to objectively critique him because he isn't a "normal" employee.
My sister is home and is having issues with her H. She wanted me to be her health advocate because she didn't like what her H was saying about putting her in a nursing home because one of her many doctors said she needed to do that(she doesn't need that). I have some concerns about the Dr. as he told my BIL exactly what "home" she needed to be in. I'm thinking kick-backs. I feel for her and want to do what I can, but there is no way I want to between her and her H. We'll see how that goes.
MIL is doing well but is reluctant to get out of bed. I think she's afraid of falling again and just wants to "feel" safe.
I haven't heard from my D in the past week, but she's read the material I guided her to. SIL posted of bunch of pics of the possible OW on facebook and gave her some "innocent" excuse about it. She didn't buy it.
My S and DIL saw the pics and brought it up when they were here. I didn't violate my Ds confidence, but they have it figured out.
KML, my Ds kids are all teenagers or preteens. I think that given custody issues, they would be able to say who they prefer to live with and the court would take that into account. I could be wrong. In any case, none of them would choose to live with my SIL. He's a hothead and has an extremely short fuse. They walk on eggshells with him. And I don't think he would want custody ... maybe visitation, but not custody.
So that's my latest in a nutshell.
Hope everyone is having a great 4th!
2T
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
2X2Many - my view is probably skewed by my up close and personal view of MLC, but, I would not bring up him ending it with OW because how will you even know if what he tells you is true? So, why bother?
You probably need to prepare for two possible options: responses for his complaints about his parents' place and for him asking outright to stay there.
Nice to hear an update and have a great 4th!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
2T it sounds like you've had a few busy days, and that you still have a lot on your plate! It must have been lovely harping family around though! I feel so lonely some times here, so I cannot wait to go to my mum's next week for the summer holidays!
I would also be weary of the Dr that advised to put your sister at a home, she is far too young for that! Something like a home could take a toll at her health by affecting her mentality and making her see the situation as hopeless, why would they suggest such a thing?
I'm pleased you are still making time for your treatments and facials, now more than ever you need to do things just for you and take care of yourself.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
I'm glad to read that your son and his family were in for a visit and all of you had a great time. I'm sure things in the office are far more peaceful and less stressful w/the BIL gone. Maybe he'll opt to quit and find something else while he's gone. (One can hope.)
I'm sorry to read that one of your sister's doctors is kind of pushing for a nursing home. If she's able to do some things for herself, she may not need a nursing home...but maybe someone to come in and check on her during the day. That is something to think about when she's ready to do so. Some doctors are entirely too quick to talk up nursing homes and it does make you wonder if they get kickbacks and especially when they give you the name of one specific place.
Your D will contact you when she's ready. She's got a lot going on right now and her focus is on her situation. You might want to drop her a note today to see how she's doing, etc., but stay away from the situation...allow her to come to you to discuss it when she's ready.
Try to enjoy the holiday today. You've got a lot swirling around you, but it's a day of rest, fun and celebration.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job, BIL didn't find something else and was back in the office on Friday. It was so pleasant while he was gone and such a downer when he came back.
I haven't heard anything from my sister or my D. I agree that I should wait until my D contacts me. I've never been one to interfere with my kids lives and don't intend to start now. When she needs me, she'll call.
As for my S, I haven't heard a peep out of her other than a couple of brief texts since she called me about being her health advocate. She said she was going to call a couple of days ago, but hasn't. I've texted a couple of times since she was supposed to call, but she's a strange one. For all I know, she's angry with me for not wanting to be the advocate. She'll get back to me when she's ready.
As for me, I'm preparing for H to return in a few days. Last time I was in a really great place emotionally and mentally. This time, not so much. I feel like it's going to take some effort this time. I sort of feel unsure and less "strong" for lack of a better way to put it.
I'm ready to answer the D thing if it comes up. I'm just going to tell him if that's what he wants I won't stand in his way, but I'm not going to do it for him. And I've given a lot of thought to what I want by way of a settlement and although it would be infinitely fair, he won't like it. If I exit the M, I exit the business and he does not want that. Staying involved with the business after a D would benefit my financial health, but would be detrimental to my mental and emotional health. In the long run, there are things that are more important to me than continuing to pad my bank account and I'll be just fine, even with the loss of that income. Anyway, I'm prepared for that discussion.
I suppose I'm feeling unsure of myself because I don't know "who" is coming home. I've gone back through my old posts and there were some positive things happening. The last time he was here, I felt like we were connecting. That seemed to continue for a while via telephone and then kind of slacked off and I didn't "feel" the connection (or the beginnings of it) anymore. The depth seemed to fade away, which I suppose is only natural given the time and distance factor.
I also know he's become aware of a lot of BIL's shortcomings since he was here last and I don't know how he plans to deal with that. At least his awareness didn't come about solely because of me. BIL has made some big boo-boo's that he couldn't hide from H (or me).
I know he's been doing a lot "soul searching" and I have no idea where that has led. I also know he's still looking for happiness and I don't know where that search has or is leading him. I don't know what role, if any, the new OW may be playing in helping him find happiness. (I would be so happy to hear that the "worst weekend of his life" was because of her! One can hope, right?)
I just feel so "in the dark" about the whole sitch. It's kind of unnerving. It was easier when he was in big time replay and I knew he was. I just kind of expected craziness. Now, there's still replay there, but there also seems to be some awareness of what he's done to his life (and mine). I'm not sure how to handle it all. Uncharted waters.
I think I may be in need of some "pep" talk and would sincerely welcome it from anyone who wishes to chime in.
I hope everyone is having a great weekend.
{{{Hugs}}} to everyone.
2T
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
I understand where you are coming from because you don't know who will walk thru that door this time. It could be the MLCer who is detached again or it could be the MLCer would wants to catch up and be friendly. Unfortunately, thinking about it will not help you. I suggest that you do something nice for yourself today, maybe a nice drive or spend time in your flower garden.
As for the divorce coming up, I think you are more than ready to lay it all out for your h and that will surprise him, i.e., especially when you tell him that the cutting of the ties will also involve the business. I agree, it would be best to separate it all because it would be in your face day in and day out if you continued working for the business.
You are so right, when your D and S need you, they will contact you. There's no point, at this time, to contact them. They both have a lot on their plates and they need to work on those things a bit for themselves. They know you are there and will support them any way that you can.
For today, turn the focus on to you. Try to enjoy your day and definitely find something that will make you smile. You've been carrying a heavy load for quite some time and you do need a break and today is that day for a break.
Hang in there!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
2X2Many - There is no way to know which h is coming for the visit. Any, who knows, you may even see various personalities make a cameo! My advice is, don't focus on it because you have no control over this piece anyway. If you are expecting him to bring up the r, he'll probably be coming to discuss his newest favorite flavor of potato chips. MLC is just not predictable, at least not over here!!!
It sounds like you are well prepared on various issues, should h raise those. I think that's the best you can do.
As for a pep talk-you DEFINITELY have this! You are a well tempered and patient person! If any surprise conversations are raised, just remember, silence is a good, near and dear friend to you. This way, you can step away and process later.
Last bit of advice: try to do something to reduce anxiety!!
Thinking of you . . .
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Thank you, Job and HaWho for your supportive words. I don't know what I'd do without this forum and the people here who are so kind and understanding.
Job, I did finally hear from my D. She said she found the material I referred her to very helpful and she put things into action right away. She said the sitch has improved greatly and the fighting has stopped. She added that she wasn't letting her guard down, but would take things day by day. She's a smart cookie ... but then I'm a little biased.
HaWho, I have a supply of duct tape on hand and intend to put it to use AND I could get a lot of insight while H is here.
A couple of weeks ago H said he'd read the Art of Happiness, was going to read it a second time and suggested I read it, too. I did and mentioned to H a couple of days ago that I had finished the book.
H got excited and wanted to know what I thought about it. I replied that I got a lot out of it. H said he did too and it had helped him a lot. I didn't want to get into a long discussion about a book on the phone and simply told him we could discuss our impressions about it when he got back. He seemed eager to do that.
So, I've read the book. I know what's in it. H wants to share his thoughts about it. I should be able to get a pretty good gauge on where his head is when I hear how he interprets what he read. Hence ... lots of duct tape and lots of listening.
I'm in a much better place now than I was a few days ago. I always get antsy before H comes back because for so long, I would get hammered or blindsided by something while he was here. I reached a point where I would spend days trying to think of every possible hurtful thing he could say and/or do while he was here so I'd be "prepared." I suppose it became like a PTSD thing with me.
I think I've reached a point that there's not much he could say or do that I haven't already processed and am prepared for, although you never know.
I suppose I've been antsy this time because I sensed a change in the dynamic between us last time he was here. It seemed that I was no longer the enemy and he was starting to open up a tiny bit and I want that to continue and not screw it up if that's the case.
On the other hand, I want to be able to stand strong and maintain my focus if he's reverted back to his aloofness and detachment.
And, of course, there's OW2 and curiosity about where that sitch stands. No worries though. I have no intention of bringing that up.
But, I'm good. I spent some time reminding myself that there are things that are just out of my control and I need to concentrate on the one thing I CAN control and that's me.
My confidence in myself is high and my expectations of him are near zero. I'll be fine.
My best to everyone.
2T
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
H came back on Wednesday and we haven't had any interaction outside the office, but I am stunned at what I'm seeing.
H is like the old H in the office. He's smiling and joking around with the employees like he used to do. And, they are responding and joking right back. His demeanor towards them is kind, understanding, fun and not at all like the monster he was a year or two ago. It's like night and day. It's the old "boss" - the approachable boss.
As for me, he's been pleasant and friendly. If I walk into his office, he smiles and kind of "lights up" and the smile is a genuine one ... not the fake smile he can give me that isn't sincere. Today, he gave me a silly card that hit the mark and made me laugh.
I am astonished.
He seems relaxed and comfortable. That's a far cry from when he said he felt like a cat in a room full of rocking chairs when he was in the office.
There's an issue that's come up between his parents that BIL should be doing more for, but has apparently left it to H. He's handling it beautifully and it's not an easy task.
It's so refreshing to see and I'm so happy for him. He has been a tormented man for so long and I'm so glad to see him in a calmer state of mind.
I've pretty much just gone about my business as usual at the office, remaining friendly, but business-like, I suppose. I don't feel the "need" to do "something" and that has helped me remain calm, as well.
A couple of notes ...
He ordered some parts to make a minor repair (not operational) on my SUV that's been an issue for a while and plans to take care of that. I didn't ask.
He booked his next trip back and will be here for my birthday, which he missed last year (and I didn't behave well in response). He pointed out to me that he'd be here for my birthday.
He mentioned something about needing a manicure (yes, he does that now). I told him I was planning to go to the nail salon on Saturday and he could tag along if he wanted. So he's doing that with me. He'll be getting his first pedicure after I assured him that I see men in there all the time getting pedicures. It should be fun. His feet are extremely ticklish. He may never do it again!
He asked me about going out to dinner that night and I agreed. Just now, he texted that his parents invited us to go to dinner with them that night and he said he told them he and I were planning to go to dinner. He asked what I wanted to do. I replied it didn't matter to me and I'd leave it up to him. He said he'd rather just the two of us go and I replied I'd like that.
BUT I realize that could be a good thing or a bad thing. I may hear some things I don't like over dinner. I suppose I'll find out tomorrow night. So far the only negative thing I've heard is his plan to renew his lease over there. That was not unexpected. He's still baking.
My bottom line is that he seems to be finding his way and I'm happy for him.
I have no idea what that means for our R or our M. He still has a ways to go. But I know I'll be okay regardless. It's just so nice to see glimpses of old H.
I'm smiling.
Hope everyone has a great weekend.
2T
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
2X2Many - your post made me smile! See, it goes to show, you never know what to expect.
Enjoy the good moments! Cheering you on!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
It was so pleasant while he was gone and such a downer when he came back. 