Saw my IC yesterday and she got very real with me. She is like a mom, very sensitive and supportive but firm when needed. We agreed I cannot hear anything about exNG's personal life anymore. It sets me back and they are thing no exGF should know. I might actually see him in a few weeks at a party, but I don't know he is going to be there. I can see him, but I cannot hear about his R anymore, whether it is good or bad.
Then we talked about me being the "in-between" girl. We concluded there was one guy who really treated me as so. She reminded me, which I always seem to forget, it is not only that we broke up because I wasn't right for these guys, but they aren't right for ME. I hold on too long hoping they will work, but the truth is, they aren't right for me, but I talk myself into them being so.
And why do I do that? This is where she shot me with truth darts. I think I can't do any better. I think I am not worth anymore. When I used my analogy of "I'll give 110% and I'll settle for 80% in return" she said "why can't it be equal?" Why should you always give more? Then she broke me down with "Maybe the next one should love YOU a little more than you love them"
And that was it. It came down to it. I never had anyone in my life who put me at the top of my list, a big one being my mom, drugs, gambling, sleeping, all came before me. I was like #10 on my ex's list, everyone and everything came before me, and I wasn't even up there for the guys I dated. I was always giving more and caring more than them. The only one who has ever put me first was my dad. Then at 17, when he finally felt he could leave and put himself and his new R first, I felt a little abanonded.
I put everyone and everything first, and these people never cared more than I did. Or equally. exNG would always say he did, but words are words.
So, my IC rattled off a list of why I am deserving, then a list of my self destructive points of view on myself. So, she said I am not ready even right now to be in an R, until I stop thinking I don't deserve it a really good R.
Really eye opening, and really true.
I realized, case and point, when I was in my appt with my IC, and D8 called. I called back and ex picked up and said, jokingly, but in front of her "She's so pathetic, she misses her mommy and wanted to talk to her" I told him, "there are people in my life who miss me when they aren't around me" This is what I lived with it.
I also have some things going on around me that I cannot talk about with anyone but my IC. Not to do with me. But it's stuff that leads me to believe monogamy doesn't exist anymore. it causes me to question everything I believe is true.
So, she also agrees I can cut back on the self work. Appreciating who I am as a deserving woman is really what my work is. Appreciating me in the here and now as I am that doesn't need fixing to make me worth what I really want.
First off, I want to smack your x. I don't like his sense of humour. I don't find it funny at all to say such things in front of your d8.
Ginger, I think you're great the way you are. I think it's a good idea to find someone who cares for you more than you care for him. There's this book that I am reading, Women who care too much. Have you read this?
I realised that I used to one of those who ran away from guys who treated me better than I treated them. My x was the dark, brooding type. I felt sorry for him and had this need to rescue him. And look where I am now.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Geez G, this made me tear up. You are a wonderful wonderful woman - beautiful inside and out, smart, funny, kind, giving, cute. You have a heart of gold. Someone whose opinion I have a lot of respect for told me once that you are just about the perfect woman! And you are - a great mom, friend, nurse, daughter, a great person. I hate your ex (and your mom) for making you feel less-than and unworthy of love. Because it is not true. And I feel sick that he is making D8 feel that way too.
It's good that you are starting to realize this stuff, thank God for your IC. Now it's time to get the words to sink into your brain until you really really believe that you are worthy of love, that you deserve someone who will put you first, cherish you and adore you. And when you really know that, you will not accept anything less.
As for this:
Originally Posted By: G
But it's stuff that leads me to believe monogamy doesn't exist anymore.
I say bull sh!t. The nicest people you would never expect to cheat make mistakes, get caught up in the moment, cheat for who knows what reason. But cheating is always their choice. And I know plenty of people who decide the opposite. To avoid the temptation, and to honor their vows and remain faithful to their spouses no matter what.
And I know that Rosa Linda misses her mommy too and that is not pathetic. Whether you are 8 or 63 sometimes you want to talk to her. At least she can just pick up the phone and do that.
Thank you. And yes, I do the same exact thing you do! Ex was a dark and brooding guy. Long story, but he would come over my house with someone else in high school when I had a "get together" when I knew of him, but didn't know him personally. he would sit in the corner and not talk to anyone, like he was too good for us. I ignored him. I always thought there was a wound so deep I could fix! Didn't get me very far either. I thought I could help heal exNG's wounds too, which are very apparent. I NEED to get that book, I never read it, thanks for the suggestion.
My dear friends, Cadet, and RosaLinda, thank you. My IC is a lifesaver, almost like the mom I never had. I am not the perfect woman, but my imperfections are still lovable and I need to remember that. I have spent too long trying to get others to love me. I shouldn't have to try.
You made me think about the monogamy thing. I do believe in it. I think what has shaken me, is I see infidelity coming from places I would never think to find it. I guess it's more of a matter of who can I trust?
It will always be a crap shoot I guess. But I can't let it scare me away.
Oh, and one thing I am very greatful for is that D8 got to see a man treat me right. yeah, exNG was incapable of true commitment. But he showed nothing but love and respect towards me when we were together and in front of my D. I am so thankful she got to see that. I would horrified if she grew up thinking the way ex treats the women in his life was the norm. I think that exNG treating me, her, and his D lovingly did very good for her. She recognizes her father's behavior as inappropriate.
I find your xh's behavior absolutely appalling, very rude and very, very disrespectful of you and your daughter. The comment he made to you on the phone, no less in front of his daughter, was awful. I could smack the BS out of him. No one should have to put up w/that behavior.
Ginger, you've come a very long way and are still learning that you need to respect yourself first. You've worked very hard to get to where you are today. You've got such a kind heart and are always putting others first...it's time now to put yourself first and show your daughter how much you respect and love yourself. She needs to see that you can be self confident, independent and yes still have someone in your life that treats you w/the utmost respect.
I would be concerned about your daughter's comment about her father being such a "monster". It sounds like he acts out quite a bit and that's not a good thing.
Your IC is a blessing and she'll be there to guide you as you continue to meet w/her. Never ever allow someone else to tear you down. Again, you've come too far to allow this to happen and that even means the xh. Call him on his BS. Don't be afraid to do so. The more you do this, maybe, just maybe he'll finally learn to respect you for who you are...a beautiful and strong woman.
So, w/that being said...it's time for a new thread.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
That IS a good thing that D8 witnessed the way a real man treats a woman. Treats anyone, in fact. No one should be treated like your ex treats D8. He sux.
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Dating Rule #1 You can't change anyone! I find that people let you know who they are very quickly and the key is believe them and let them go. We, the nice people, tend to want to give second chances or don't want to jump to hasty conclusions. I've learned to pay more attention to my gut in dealing with women so if my gut says move on...I do 'cuz when I haven't I've regretted it. So, my point being, if you start seeing someone and you have the urge to help them change or think you'll wait it out...walk away real fast 'cuz it ain't gonna happen.
