Don't waste your time. Not worth it, you are way more of a man than he is. He doesn't deserve your time. You have more important things to do with your life than waste it listening to an apology. He has to live with not knowing whether you forgive him or not. You can forgive but that doesn't mean you have to actually have him hear those words come out of your mouth.
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
No reply might be the strongest move. He is craving to keep the drama alive. He is a hollow man. Letting him stew in his own pathetic world is the best revenge. It's that or a whooping. Anything in between acknowledges him as someone worthy of your time, and he is not worthy. So, I leave it to you, brush him off like a pathetic little weasel or pound him. Nothing in between.
Me:49 W:45 M:19 T:22 EA confirmed and ended 8/2014 S:19,17 D:9,5
With my Ws OM our L sent him a Cease and Desist letter telling him to have no further contact with my W or face legal actions against him. Formally put on notice. Since the OM and OMs W continue to want to contact you and your W it may be the only way to be free of these parasites. This may actually be your strongest move. It says f-off in a grand manner. Then both of them have only each other to relive the drama with. Ouch!
Me:49 W:45 M:19 T:22 EA confirmed and ended 8/2014 S:19,17 D:9,5
My W knows that OM sent me the email. She contacted me about it before I told her. OM's W had sent my W a text telling her that OM was sending me an email. It will be interesting to see if there was a long conversation or if my W simply said "Ok." My W knows that I don't approve of her communicating with his W.
Will need to spend some time thinking and praying over this. I know I owe him nothing. I know its my decision to make and my W's opinion on the matter is irrelevant. But I'm wondering what she will see in me if I refuse to see him. Will she see a cold, bitter, angry, resentful person (I have every right to be all those things)? Or will she see me as a strong, confident, gracious man if I do decide to see him?
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
Like you i spend way too much time thinking how my W will think.
Listen to rd500. Do you first. Maybe years down the road you can think about it, but now i would suggest asking your wife to remove all contact from both OM and OM's W and maybe you will consider it at your own pace.
Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs 23Mar16-BD 9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss. 27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM. 14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation. 24May17-Divorced.
So I spoke with my W yesterday and explained that I really didn't have a need to meet with OM in order to receive an apology and heal from the pain. His position is irrelevant to me. I could care less what he thinks about anything. My W wasn't happy about that. I think she probably has grand expectations that we will all heal together and be a testament to the good that can come out of a bad situation. I do NOT think she is doing this to maintain any type of R with him. She is actually very angry with him and disgusted with herself for what happened. She now sees that she was used and disrespected by him. She's just trying to find a Godly way to heal but I see that her thoughts are misguided. Well, something good happened today. My W had coffee with her good friend and new coach. This person is female, knows the whole situation and also knows OM and his W. Her coach is pseudo business partners with OM. The new coach learned that OM had contacted and was FURIOUS that he contacted me and told my W that. She told my W that he had no business doing that. My W finally heard those words and a little bit more of the fog cleared. We also learned that OM is now "confessing" his "sins" to some of the other athlete clients. He's not mentioning my W's name but it will be VERY obvious that the other person is my W. This is incredibly hurtful to my W as she has no way to defend herself. We feel like they are doing this just so they can check off the good Christian "check box." The problem is that my W has set boundaries (dont contact us anymore) but has repeatedly allowed the other couple to cross that boundary and has even crossed it herself by contacting his W. Now, the other couple feels like they can do whatever they want. I wondering if I need to have a conversation with OM's W to tell her to cut it out or send a cease and desist letter as mvgfwd2 did. Or threaten a lawsuit if my W's reputation is publicly tarnished because of anything they do.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
I don't know that you can, or should try, to control what the OM and his W do or tell others. I think you and W may be getting caught up in their drama, and should refocus on each other. Have you and W discussed blocking OM and his W phone numbers on your phones? It may be an easy way to cut out any communication directly to you two.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
I could block incoming phone calls and text messages. I couldn't stop emails (maybe I could set them up to automatically go to spam). But the thing is that my W would eventually figure it out if I did those things and then be angry. She's got to WANT to stop contact with his W. I don't know how many times she has to get hurt by her/them in order to learn her lesson. I could set a boundary here and say that this is not permissible but I don't know what the repercussions would be if she broke the boundary. Withdraw love and affection? No. File for D? No.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
That's a hard spot to be in, Lim. I agree with the other posters--OM and his W should be out of the picture and there is no reason to give them any of your attention! I would not even acknowledge him reaching out to you. None of it will serve you in healing. This is about your R now, not them. The longer I am in piecing the more I can see that my Hs OW was not about her, but about him needing to run and find a false sense of security in someone else. This is in large part why I am finding forgiveness for him.
And you are correct, you cannot control your W, it needs to come from her. You want her to understand this. The boundary you create for yourself is letting her know that you want nothing to do with either of them, it distracts from the goal of working on your M, and that it hurts you that she is continuing contact. You cannot give her ultimatums, but you can create some distance to protect yourself. It's natural to pull away from someone that is hurting you and her actions are hurting you.
I do think they are all using each other--W and OM to seek forgiveness in an attempt to absolve their guilt, and his W to ensure your W is out of her M. I do not buy into the "being a good Christian equals forgiveness," not at all. Your W can only gain forgiveness by understanding herself and by working on becoming a better person. Their opinion is irrelevant.
Perhaps your W needs a third party or a therapist to help her understand this. She most likely thinks your opinion is emotionally fueled and not rational. Is there someone she can talk to that can help her dissect her need for forgiveness from his W? The more she does this, the more it distracts from her personal growth.
Just my thoughts.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
