So we've been spending more time together, it's always the three of us (me, h and daughter). We're thinking of spending time together tomorrow just the two of us - if the spark is there, will it just be there? I'm scared that with 6 months passed, it's gonna be weird between the two of us. We're both trying to figure out if there's anything left in our relationship and I worry that if the physical stuff is lacking, it'll feel like there's nothing left between us. Does that make sense? I guess I'm wondering- can you get the spark back?
Me: 37 Husband: 35 Married 5 years, together 13 Daughter - 1 Bomb dropped - 12/28/2015 He's moving out (officially) - 4/15/2016 EA confirmed 6/1/16 PA confirmed 8/1/16
I feel like I was doing such a good job of GAL and now I'm not doing great. He started coming g around more and we were spending more time together and now I feel like I've gone backwards. I'm crying, feeling lonely and I want to get back to where I was a month or so ago. It's like when I think he's really gone, I'm stronger. Then he pops back in and I'm a mess again.
Me: 37 Husband: 35 Married 5 years, together 13 Daughter - 1 Bomb dropped - 12/28/2015 He's moving out (officially) - 4/15/2016 EA confirmed 6/1/16 PA confirmed 8/1/16
You need to give yourself a little slack. This is some of the hardest work we will ever do. It's hard because it's about changing fundamental things within, switching to healthier, less co-dependent coping skills and rebuilding ourselves. This comes with growing pains, we will feel moments of hopelessness and grief but with time they lessen in frequency and severity.
Your journey is one of the self, we need to be careful not to look towards our spouses to be our guide. In our particular cases our WH's are not even in the baby steps yet and we are expecting them to be walking beside us, it's simply not within their ability yet. I recommend you keep a goal/accomplishment journal. This puts your goals in concrete terms which lets you anchor when you start to drift. You have come so far so quickly, don't use your spouse as a temp checker, he's not able to be your support.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
It's so easy to lose sight of GAL when the relationship is going well, but I'm learning that I need to keep up at least a bit of it even then. And keep working on owning my emotional state. If H provides comfort and support, that's great, but it need to be in addition to, not instead of, my self-affirming and self-soothing thoughts.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
I don't k ow how our situation is ever going to get better. Yes, our relationship had its problems but that's in the last and nothing we do now can change that. His concern is that we're not gonna get the spark back. I obvisually can't guarantee that, but nothing's gonna happen if we don't try. I know I can't get him to try but I hate feeling so helpless
Me: 37 Husband: 35 Married 5 years, together 13 Daughter - 1 Bomb dropped - 12/28/2015 He's moving out (officially) - 4/15/2016 EA confirmed 6/1/16 PA confirmed 8/1/16
Sr9, are you spending more time together because that is the timeline he set at the beginning of all this? If so, that's crap, you are more worthy than to be part of his schedule. Do you feel he is truly remorseful for what he has done? If not, go back to GAL...
You let him back in your life if and when YOU decide that is what YOU want, who cares what he wrote on his calendar. He needs to put in work to prove he is worthy of you, anything less is just prolonging the inevitable.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
So we've been spending more time together, it's always the three of us (me, h and daughter). We're thinking of spending time together tomorrow just the two of us - if the spark is there, will it just be there? I'm scared that with 6 months passed, it's gonna be weird between the two of us. We're both trying to figure out if there's anything left in our relationship and I worry that if the physical stuff is lacking, it'll feel like there's nothing left between us. Does that make sense? I guess I'm wondering- can you get the spark back?
When you both are ready to work on things the spark will not be there... There will be betrayal, hurt, anger.. But you will both acknowledge this and choose to move forward and work on MR... It's not an easy path, but can work if that is what you BOTH want and are willing to work on.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
You are not responsible for getting the spark back in the relationship, he is. But first he will have to do a LOT of work and there needs to be a LOT of time. Timelines really don't serve a purpose but to put more pressure on an already pressured system. You call the shots now, it will be on your time or not at all.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Today I got the cold shoulder. And I'm the one who leaves crying. Somedays I feel like I'm not strong enough for this. I need to remember how to focus on me, because he has no problem focusing on him. Days like this make me feel like I should just file for divorce and call it quits
Me: 37 Husband: 35 Married 5 years, together 13 Daughter - 1 Bomb dropped - 12/28/2015 He's moving out (officially) - 4/15/2016 EA confirmed 6/1/16 PA confirmed 8/1/16
I still have those moments, I have to remember not to act from emotion but from a point of detachment. My biggest mistake (before DBing) was acting impulsively when my emotions were running high. I can honestly say that's when I made my worst decisions. You have the power to control how you react to his deplorable behavior. Despite his immaturity you can show him grace, dignity and strength. If you do this consistently then you win in the end no matter the results.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
