I'm sorry. It's a hard time. Today has been 2 weeks for me. I've had good days, and bad days. Good moments and bad moments. I think women think they have to do one more nice thing before they make the next move.
I facetimed my wife to say goodnight to S. I asked what the tshirt was she was wearing, and she hid it from the camera. Then, when texting about his day she said she's exhausted. I validated and said your work for summer has been rough, but she replied "life." I asked if she needed to tell me something....no response. She's dropping son off with me tommorrow at 9. We had a good morning at the pool, together, with him. She instigated a hug, which is the first one since she walked out. I'm planning on hearing the worst tomorrow....
Good luck. Grab some sleep if you can. We're all here to support you.
Me: 35 W: 32 S: 4 T: 6 M: 4 Physical Separation official: 5/21 Currently: DR/DBing, Focusing on me and son
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.
Well, I got the hallway shower cleaned up and recaulked (one item I've been "meaning" to do). It sure needed it though. After my W left saturday I relocated the TV to the way I like it. W came over last night and was like "what's wrong with the TV?" I said nothing, why? She said "it's in the wrong place." I was like, "nope, it's in the right place."
W finally told MIL about her move out. MIL was sad, but she wants us to work out. I am glad she knows now, because I love my MIL dearly and I've felt like I've been lying to her. W is just like MIL and D is just like W, so they're all 3 little peas in a pod (and as you can see in the paragraph above, like to take control of a situation). It was funny though seeing W not having control over the placement of the TV.
But, tonight we're going to our 2 hour MC session. If you think about it between 6-8 EST please please pray for us (if you're so inclined). I will update tomorrow with how it went.
M:36 W:31 D:12 M: 8/9/10 ILYBNILWY/"want space": 2/14-ish/16 W moved out 5/24/16.
M:50 W:53 MR:20 D:21 S:17 S:11 BD-Sept 2015 Suspected PA Sept 2015-Confronted W & OM Dec 2015 Actually EA In house Sep:Jan/16-May 2016 W moved out:May 22 2016 OM-Intro Oct/17-On scene July/Aug 2017
MC couldn't of gone any better! I think we started to understand each others feelings. The counselors big thing is empathy. And that is a problem I have. I always felt like if I said I was sorry for doing something stupid, we move on. But, that's not being empathetic to how I made her feel by doing xyz.
Thank you so much for the prayers. There was a moment during counseling I could feel God working. It was amazing.
M:36 W:31 D:12 M: 8/9/10 ILYBNILWY/"want space": 2/14-ish/16 W moved out 5/24/16.
Collin: That is very encouraging. I could not be happier for you. Positive steps like this mean so much. I will continue to pray for you. I know you realize that God often moves much slower than we want him to. So I will add patience to my list of prayer items, as many of us are wanting God to make a quick fix. I am so pleased for you.
M:50 W:53 MR:20 D:21 S:17 S:11 BD-Sept 2015 Suspected PA Sept 2015-Confronted W & OM Dec 2015 Actually EA In house Sep:Jan/16-May 2016 W moved out:May 22 2016 OM-Intro Oct/17-On scene July/Aug 2017
The counselors big thing is empathy. And that is a problem I have. I always felt like if I said I was sorry for doing something stupid, we move on. But, that's not being empathetic to how I made her feel by doing xyz.
A couple things:
1) you are very right. SYMpathy is not EMpathy. Read the validation cheat sheet. Listening and Understanding are so critical to communication.
2) You didnt MAKE her feel anything. You did something and she reacted to it. So you learn what your actions cause and then you can adjust them based on your desired goals. Think about it this way: you didnt say "feel hungry!"....you stopped giving her food and as a result, she felt hungry. You didnt MAKE her hungry.
Sorry I keep disappearing on you. Dealing with my own demons.
Collin, think that you are heading to a long journey. Your wife is fast to blame and keep saying things like taking some time to think about.
She may be very confused of what direction to take but she has made her mind to be away from you, maybe to check how she feels about being alone, without you. But, and this is a big but, once a wife leaves saying it is some time apart to sort things out, is because she is thinking some things have no hope for repair.
Sweetie, I am not saying this to hurt you. Instead, I just want you to think that your wife may be looking for serious changes and the ones that won't be temporary to make her feel good for a short time.
You will start slow, changing things around you, changing things on the external side of you, and then with time, when the pain is not so cruel, you will look inside yourself and make the permanent changes that fits you, are good for you, mean a lot for you, will be good for you...
The first thing we think is to change things that will bring us closer to our spouses, but sometimes the problem is much deeper and with time we realize that some changes need to come to make us happy alone in the first place, and then we will be able to offer a real love to someone else.
Take this time to reflect what is the real reasons there was unhappiness in your R. Sometimes, you will also notice that there is not all wrongs in you, that your spouse have flaws too.
It is just some thought that I have to offer based on my own experience. I have been dealing with a lot for a long time, and it is only now that I realize it is about me first, no matter what will be the outcome. I am the one that needs to be good for myself and feel good in my own skin.
I feel like I've spent more time with my W now that we're living separately than we did in the same house. I swear she finds reasons for me to come over. I'm not complaining about it, because I love my W and love spending time with her. But if we're going to spend all this time together, WHY ARE WE LIVING IN SEPARATE HOUSES?!?!?!?!?!
I know she's locked into a 6 month lease, but still...
I know I'm putting the cart before the horse and we haven't worked on ourselves the way we need to for our marriage. I don't want to read into anything. But I sure hope this is a positive sign.
M:36 W:31 D:12 M: 8/9/10 ILYBNILWY/"want space": 2/14-ish/16 W moved out 5/24/16.
It sounds good that you both are giving a shot on talking more. But, keep in mind that there was a decision to separate in the first place.
If you can hold yourself sometimes and be a little scarce to her, it may help her to see things a little more clear and miss you. The thing with the WW or WH sometimes is that they too have a hard time on breaking the strong tie of a marriage and many times here we see they are around until they are not.
It is a very selfish way for them to deal with their pain, but at that point when they decide to break up their R, they also become very selfish and it is only their feelings that are important.
So, my advice is for you to take it all with a lot of caution. What may seem positive and progress for you, may be seem by her that you are begging, still crying your way for her to accept things the way they were before.
This time that she is living away from you, it is a good time to grow yourself into the person you think fits most for you, and I see you are trying very hard to improve yourself.
But also, think that you can use this time to let her think that she could lose you forever. I would be a little mysterious sometimes, be gone once in a while. Not available when she calls and want you over her place.
She will have the chance to evaluate her feelings and what she wants to do regarding her R with you, in the same time you will give her the chance to miss you. The times that you are available and decide to share with her, be pleasant, listen more then talk, don't tell her all what you are doing, let her guessing what you up to.
I think you have a good chance for reconciliation, but you need to be patient and on your guard. Don't let her to use you to justify what she is doing.
Right now, she probably have a lot of unanswered questions in her mind, she is trying to figure it out what she is doing and is probably very afraid of what decisions she may need to face in time.
Be strong, positive, and caring from some distance, it will somehow start attracting her back to you, slowly but steady.
Love the fact that you are positive, it helps to keep fighting for what you want. Keep up the hard work, it takes time, but it can be very rewarding.
