let me start by saying that things were going well between us the last week or so. we were communicating, she was showing interest in me. she was being nice to me. etc. she asked me to go out on friday night with her and the kids and it went well. then the next day, we as a family drove together for 3 hours and had an over night on a battleship, bunk style sleeping arrangements. and that went splendid. it felt real. it felt great. everyone and everything was happy.
on the ride home a flip switched in her. and she started saying, idk if i want this. this weekend felt like old times and its great, i like you. but i just dont know if i can do this. i was crushed to say the least. we calmly talked about it for the last half hour of the ride and then i went back to my appt.
a few hours later we were texting and i was passive aggressive in my remarks. and i said sorry. then she asked, what was bothering me and i exploded. i told her EVERYTHING that has been bottled up for the past month. i made threats to her about D. i completely flew off the handle.
this morning i took off work and went over to say sorry. and i did. she accepted it and thanked me for recognizing that my behavior was out of line.
she then said, that she just isnt ready. that she likes me, but that me acting like i did, made her put on the brakes. but that its not over, but that we have a lot of work to do and shes just not sure right now what to think.
im sitting her all bummed out right now. if i would have kept my mouth shut last night.......im playing the what if game.
but bottom line, shes not ready to do this. and it shows. sometimes distance works with her. sometimes it backfires. some times connecting with her emotionally works, some times it back fires. i just dont know what to do. no matter what i try, there seems to be an invisible wall that we keep hitting.
then she tells me that this was her make it or break it weekend. this trip was planned months ago. and she told herself that if this weekend went well, she would go for it. if it went poorly, she would call the lawyer. it went well......until the last little bit. she said she is not calling the lawyer. but shes not running to my arms either. ugh....i feel so pathetic. i really got my hopes up. really really got them up. and then bang, crash. and then i buried it 6ft under when i freaked out on her.
then she tells me that this was her make it or break it weekend.
e04355,
Don't sweat it. My wife said the same thing; it's all total horse sh*t. The WW knows how to set you up to fail. That's why you can't win; it's a rigged game from the beginning.
she drives in insane....when i pull away, she follows and things start to build, there seems to be promise, we cover lots of ground we grow closer each time and then she gets cold feet and runs away. back to square one. and she leaves me with this "if we decide to get back together" statement all the time.
The problem, as I see it, is once you back away and she begins to pursue you, you jump too quickly to begin pursuing her in return. Don't do that. Back away and let her pursue you if she wants. If she does stay aloof until she decides she wants to be serious about reconciliation. You may have things to fix within you, do that. But do not fall into the trap of worrying about if she wants you or not. Let her worry about you wanting her or not for a change. She created this mess, not you. It's you who should be deciding if you want her and what you will accept for her to come back, not the other way around.
Me:49 W:45 M:19 T:22 EA confirmed and ended 8/2014 S:19,17 D:9,5
Her power over you is she knows you want her back and will do anything to make that happen. She is empowered knowing she can do whatever she wants and you will just accept it. Stop letting her have that power over you. Reverse the roles. She left you. She comes back you to when you back away. Meaning, doing what she needs to do to keep you interested so she can keep the rest of her fantasy going without worrying about you. You need to make her worry about you full time and break her desire to have the fantasy life outside your M.
Me:49 W:45 M:19 T:22 EA confirmed and ended 8/2014 S:19,17 D:9,5
If your wife is calling you, then something else you can try is answering the phone in a breathless voice and say something like "Julie, I just got back from the store with another box of condoms." Assuming your wife is not named Julie.
i asked her to go for a walk today and we talked as we walked. basically as she explained it....we have a history...a toxic history. but we have both changed a lot and are still changing. she like me, i like her. but she is very very hesitant to commit. she wants us to work out and live happily ever after. but for the time being, she wants to get to know me better, spend some time as friends and see where it goes. she admits that she has very warm feelings for me. but so much has happened that she is scared. and episodes like last night arent helping matters.
The Julie thing was a doodlerism (i.e., just kidding).
Do you think the two of you had a toxic history?
I'm not an old timer at this stuff, but it feels like she's keeping you on the hook while she decides whether or not she wants whatever alternative is out there.
