Turning Point

[PacLove]

Hi guys, I have also written a letter using the same website as mentioned. I showed it to my counseler and he mentioned that I don't say I'm sorry or asking for forgiveness. The reason I didn't is because I also say in the letter that I'm not trying to change her mind, just maybe help her heart heal. It is all about her as you guys have done cause I've realized now when I have written matters before they were more about me.

Yeah I originally had tweaked it at the end asking for her forgiveness but it didn't pass the review (got pulled out) that would be something that I want and she may not be willing to give right now... tough call, I still might be tempted to put it back in there.

[betterm]

tough call, I still might be tempted to put it back in there.

No. Don't ask for forgiveness at the end. All you are doing is taking responsibility for your part of the problems in the MR, and showing her that you understand her hurt, how you played a part in that hurt,that your working on bettering yourself, and that you'll be a safe person to come to if she wants to talk in the future.

You can ask for forgiveness later in a face to face. But remember, forgiveness is not nnecessarily something thats JUST for you. It's for her too, it plays a huge role in the healing process for the "hurt" party. Sure, it'll be nice to know that your apology was heard, and accepted, for you, but if she doesn't forgive, it'll be something that she drags around with her for the rest of her life... A problem my W is dealing with now from holding grudges and not forgiving her past troubles.

Apology, Acceptance of that apology, and forgiveness are all separate things that come at different times.

[PacLove]

tough call, I still might be tempted to put it back in there.

No. Don't ask for forgiveness at the end. All you are doing is taking responsibility for your part of the problems in the MR, and showing her that you understand her hurt, how you played a part in that hurt,that your working on bettering yourself, and that you'll be a safe person to come to if she wants to talk in the future.

Thanks for the reassurance... now to try to exercise my best penmanship - I'm a terrible writer was originally going to just print it out but will see if I can make it neat and legible.

I plan to follow up the the letter with an invite to Retrouvaille later in the week but am not optimistic she'll be open to it.

[sandi2]

I don't understand. When you first came here, you talked about how you pursued her and how it needed to stop. So why are you writing her a letter and planning to follow up with asking her to go with you to Retrouvaille?

[PacLove]

The letter if I give it I don't see as pursuing, it simply stated where I've failed and what I'm doing to change.

Retrouvaille I agree could be seen as pursuing, I asked about that a few posts ago but didn't really get any feedback on it. It's only held in my area though 2x/year so I don't want to miss the opportunity if she's open to it. I was simply going to let her know now there's a weekend going and if she'd be interested. I may hold off on this and see how she responds to the letter if at all.

I spoke to my IC and some close friends who know W well about this and their thoughts were that either of them couldn't hurt the situation any more than it is and if she responds favorably could help.

[PacLove]

BTW, an interesting perspective from a former wayward who I talked with was that he wasn't sure his W would take them back and be capable of forgiveness and was one of his barriers to initially returning.

He encouraged me to let my W know that I would be open to her coming home and check in with her every now and then to show her the door is open, otherwise the risk of them moving completely on is a possibility. Off course this is from a WAH and not a WAW, not sure if this is that different though.

[bigybiz]

PacLove: If Sandi2 says the letter and the conference are pursing - you may want to consider listening.

[PacLove]

PacLove: If Sandi2 says the letter and the conference are pursing - you may want to consider listening.

I don't disagree, but I also don't think there's one size fits all to every situation. Each of our W's are different and our R's are different as are the problems that lead to the WAW....

I've been religiously following the 37 rules now for the better part of 2 months - with the exception of maybe the snooping, that's only been the last month, and that did more harm to me than W as she probably had no idea.

I want to follow the DB process but I feel she's getting more distant then ever and that worries me, although through so many stories I read online here they do say it gets worse before it gets better.

So what makes a turnaround a success? The ones I've read about from many different sources, seem to be the ones where we GAL but still leave a glimmer of light and door open for the S to return, but not being a doormat.

I put my foot down on that this weekend, apparently W was trying to plan a Father's day thing with D, (W never mentioned it to me) but I relayed to D that I wasn't interested in doing anything with W unless she's willing to recommit. D is pretty bummed as it's W's weekend, D wants to spend Sunday with me, but that will likely only happen if I'm open to W spending it with us as well.

[bigybiz]

I entirely agree that there is not a one size fits all. This whole thing is a process and we have to find what works for each of us and what "fits". I think Sandi2's advice has been fab. I wish she was my DB coach.

I do agree with the pursing though. We know from our own experience and every romance movie we have seen - playing hard to get works. I would agree that even asking your W to attend a conference could be seen as a sign of desperation - and we know that is a turn off.

I really struggle with the pursuing - even to this day, I want to invite her over, etc.

So you may not want to tip your hand - keep the conference for next year.

[PacLove]

So this upcoming weekend is really bugging me. How is it fair that I need to give up father's day or a weekend without D just because of W's decisions. D wants to spend it with me, I want to spend the time with D, and W is supposedly (per D) ok with hanging out this weekend too but I know family time is discouraged from a DB perspective and I totally see why after my birthday weekend as it only causes more hurt. But again why do I have to give up time with my D for decisions my W is making?