Last night, as I lay awake in bed, I realized a few things.
My life has been centered around wanting/finding a romantic relationship/partnership. It has been the center of all my thoughts including the heartbreak from exNG. And having those being the center of my thoughts leaves me crying most of the time.
I have been having such difficulty shifting my focus elsewhere, but it's the only thing for me to do now. My life had been such a struggle to get it to where it is today. This has been the last missing, maybe one of the most desired pieces that I just can't right. So, I'm letting that part go for now.
I've also decided I am going to quit working on myself for a while. Stop trying to work so hard to improve myself. That might sound dumb, but maybe I just need to sit here and be me for a while and really take some true appreciation in who I am without always trying to "fix" things. So I am just simply going to be.
My "me" time is generally limited to the time after D8 goes to bed, which are my dark and lonely hours and I am trapped in the house. But I have been wanting for a very long time to do some volunteer work. I am going to try to my best to make some time for it. I have also wanted to go hiking, which I cannot do alone, so I wanted to make some time to join a hiking club of some sort (so I don't die and get lost and eaten by a bear. Just enjoy some new activities.
In a few weeks exNG will be going away with his daughter and friends. I know he asked at the last min for his GF and her daughter to come and they aren't keen on it because there is no room. But I am already preparing myself to see pics on FB. I am not friends with him anymore (he refuses to post anything anyways, and gets mad when someone else does) but I am friends on FB with all the friends he is going with. I am having some paranoia of what I might I see. I know one pic of them will break my heart into bits. I know me all too well! So, I am kind of preparing for that. I hope to get to a good enough place it won't affect me too hard.
So that's it. I think I'll step back from posting about myself for a while. I am at a place where I want to post to others, but I have become self-absorbed with this stupid getting over a 6 month R and my quest for love and partnership. I need to just chill for a while, be me, take a hiatus on this self-improvement, inner work for a while, and just live.
G - it's ok to not work on yourself. To accept yourself the way you are. To appreciate all the good about you and to just love yourself.
It reminds me of a time when Ryan was young. It was a couple of years after his debilitating illness and resultant brain damage. I had done everything humanly possible to rehabilitate him. I worked so hard to give him everympssible advantage and slowly I was learning to accept what I couldn't change. My Mom was telling me one day that she had her church praying for him every week in church. To make him better. And I know that's not a bad thing but it just struck me then that I didn't want it. I didn't want her calling me every week and asking me how he was doing and expecting me to say he had woken up "normal". I asked her just to love him. Just to accept him. Just as I had gradually come to accept. Never what I had fought for but just as he was. Perfectly imperfect. And so it is. I know my Mom loved him no matter what but I just had to say "enough". We just love.
I think you are saying "Enough" too. Enough tears and worry and stress and striving. Just Love yourself. You are great the way you are (I know from first hand experience). Just let life happen and do your own thing.
I think it comes in waves, sometimes you feel motivated to make changes and at other times you need to pull back and just be. Just be for now...we can be BADASSES together some other time lol.
Cadet, fixing can be so exhausting, can't it. The best action right now is doing nothing! Probably the hardest one for a fixer.
barb, thanks for sharing that part of your journey. I am enough, right here, right now, perfectly imperfect. You never get to appreciate yourself, or someone else, if you are always trying to make it "better"
I was raised to be a hard-worker, and everything you get is something you worked for. I want a loving partnership, so I figure I have to do whatever work I can to get it. I tend to think I didn't work hard enough, because I can't seem to get it. The mantra that you can achieve anything you want if you work for it can be so deceiving sometimes. I tend to think it's a lack of work on my part if I can't achieve something I am trying so hard for and want so much that seems to come so easy to other people. It's not the case. Sometimes we work so hard, but the outcome just isn't what we hope.
Wii, it definitely comes in waves. It's low tide right now for me, but I still think I am a badass. As are you.
I spoke to a friend yesterday and it really is time to have a funeral for me and exNG's R. Time to put it to rest. I couldn't have tried any harder, done anything different, loved any more. Our R did not die because of me. I do know that. No amount of work can fix the broken in other people. I figured if I was lovable enough, it could fix his brokenness. I know better than that. And you know what? his loss. And I think he knows that.
I may speak too soon, but I have not cried inn 24 hours. My thoughts are less about exng. Hopefully soon they will be gone except for a good memory or 2 that brings a smile and not sadness.
That's the frightening thing about relationships "No amount of work an fix the broken in other people"...absolutely! Often it's when you're into it for awhile that you begin to realize there is that broken part. Then you have to go through the crap of disengaging 'cuz it's not gonna change. That's what makes me leery about connecting again...it hurt too much the last time! But, never say never...badasses never stay down for long
That's why I am taking a break, because I don't think I can connect and disengage again with the same heartbreak at this point in time. I think I will feel differently soon enough, but my heart is still healing. There has been another part of me which I discussed with BFF and IC. I seriously thought that this time, I would not be able to get over exNG unless I found someone else that made me forget about him. No one thought it was crazy, and they thought it was kind of true. however, for the first time, I think I could get over him without having someone who made me forget about him. So I am going to just wait until my heart and mind isn't so darned scared of breaking a deep connection again. I think your time will come for that too.
On a good note. Ex kindly helped me fix my grill. I couldn't get off the regulator hose and he brought over his tools and did it for me. He's been kind lately. I've just enjoyed it. Once in a blue moon a bit of human peeks out and I just appreciate it.
I remember SDA Lady told me (when we got together again for the third time) that she decided to date again shortly afterward our breakup 'cuz her friends thought it would help her get over me...but she said that all she was doing was looking for another Whatis. She said she would compare them to me and they always fell short, she said "I realized that there is only one Whatis"...she stopped because she didn't feel she was being fair to the men she was meeting and it wasn't helping her. So, I agree with you. Jumping on the next horse to forget the last isn't a really good strategy. I immersed myself in photography...and now I'm dating a camera lol.
I was feeling much better and stronger today. I went to work, took D8 to swim, worked out and then took her to the local carnival for 3 hours where she met up with her friends and had a ball. We come home after 10, exhausted, to find a notice in the door that they shut off my electricityz. A past due balance. Of $145 which must have been an online payment that didn't go through. No phone call or anything. I call the number but it's after hours and I can't get it reconnected. She is freaking out, and I am pissed as hell. I went grocery shopping yesterday , and even funnier that was a fiasco because the credit card machines went down and it was a Sh!t show. So now I have no power, I'm going to lose everything in my fridge and freezer. Thankfully my friend came and picked up gabby and brought her to her house to sleep and bring her to school.
All this over $145. One bill. No phone call.
Some days I think I'm just going to lose my mind. It's a combo of stupid crap like this that accumulates and makes me just throw my hands in the air and say WTF? These things always feel like they happen because I might have done something wrong, like it's karma.
Can't let it derail the peace that was setting in. I even felt happy tonight before I walked in the door. I haven't been happy,
Can't wait to clean my fridge out of rotting expensive food tomorrow.
I've been thinking I'm going to move to one of those mini houses up in remote Maine and live the simple life.
