She is so conflicted. If you give her anything to chew on mentally, I'll reach right through this computer and smack you!
She HAS to work this out on her own. She's asking for your validation for her to feel the feelings she's had in her heart for a while - she wants both worlds.
Honey, you have to pick. One or the other. YOU have to help her make that choice. Giving in will let her live in both worlds. It's a no-no.
If anything has to be said, you can let her know you appreciate the texts, but until further notice, you're taking time out to process everything that just happened in your life. You would appreciate all the space possible, and you are more than happy to provide the same.
No kids makes this much easier.
You will need to mourn the loss of the marriage. Imagine her dying. It will be very, very hard. You will go on the divorce diet without knowing it, and lose some weight. It's ok.
Work out. I mean, make a plan. You have WAAAAYYY too much energy right now. It has to get burned off.
Reconnect with male friends and if possible male brothers. You need male companionship, which sounds opposite of what you're craving, but you need to take a bit of the 'red-pill' and get more comfortable in your manhood.
You can do this. I am watching you. I am rooting for you to win, and save the marriage. Do what I say - do what Sandi says. (I hope they agree!)
You have played a tremendous game of catch with your wife. It's time to catch the ball, pull off the mitt, and walk home. The game is done. You need to act as if there will no longer be a game of catch with your wife - ever.
Tough to say. Tougher to act on. You can do it.
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
It's a good thing I don't act on gut Reactions anymore. I don't even wanna tell you all what my response was gonna be if I did.
Trumpet, thank you for your input. Not sure if your entirely caught up on my story, but last time you posted for me it was "grieve the loss of your wife and start a new plan". I remember it very well.
I dont have any weight to lose, I'm 34 and at high school weight. I'm taking carbo gain supplements, eating 2600-2800 calories daily and doing a workout program. I'm trying everything I can to put in pounds.
For the text. I do not plan on responding. But my STBX is very manipulative and controlling, if I ignore these without response, she'll show up here again like she did last night. Which, thankfully, I was able to just chill and not spew my feelings all over her.
I thought I was doing good. Your post makes feel like I should be doing better!
Betterm, She HAS to work this out on her own. She's asking for your validation for her to feel the feelings she's had in her heart for a while - she wants both worlds.
Honey, you have to pick. One or the other. YOU have to help her make that choice. Giving in will let her live in both worlds. It's a no-no.
Forgive me but I'm a little confused on this so if you could clarify just a bit? She's filed for D. yet, she's still asking these questions for me to see what I want in my future, etc. or maybe she's just testing me...
But I have to 'pick'. I'm not sure what I'm picking... me over her? or just not to communicate with her about MR talk? To focus on bettering me while NOT talking to her about this crap? If she continues to initiate and force MR talk, do I ignore her or just leave and go dark?
I've already decided if she came back today and said she's sorry and wants to work on us, I won't give in easily. A lot of my self-reflection has lead to direct discovery of her problems, and I don't want these patterns of the past to repeat themselves. I won't join forces unless she's willing to work out her own issues.
I know I've made a lot of progress in dropping my habits of why I'm doing what during this time. I know there's a lot of progress to be made still though. I really appreciate all your posts.
It seems crazy. with time ticking away, I'm suppose to just ignore all MR conversation (well, not ignore, but validate?) until ... not SHE decides to come back, but I decide to take her back? So strange... but isn't it all.
I have no advice; the kids thing through me for a loop and she's not even my wife.
Have you seen LiM's latest posts? I realize he's in a different stage of the process but he talks about the possibility that he reconciled a little too soon.
I'll check out his thread. But I've seen several threads, and stories outside or DB, talking about 'taking them back too soon'. And how many have turned into horror stories, or the pattern is repeating itself for another go around.
Now, I realize "she left me" and "it's all my fault", but the tables are turned now. She filed, I'm not trying to "win her back" at all, anymore. According to trumpet, she died in some unknown mystery death, and for my life choices need to be my own from here on out. Maybe that involves becomes a monk, maybe it involves dating new people one day, maybe it involves somehow reconciling with my dead wife's corpse? I dunno. I'm just taking this one thing at a time, and usually I don't even understand whata happening. Haha.
Forgive me but I'm a little confused on this so if you could clarify just a bit? She's filed for D. yet, she's still asking these questions for me to see what I want in my future, etc. or maybe she's just testing me...
She seems to have made a heavy-handed play with the D and is wishy-washy about what she's done. She's temp checking to see what type of reaction she gets, I'm sure. Right now, with the behavior you've described, no reaction is your best bet. Remain light and breezy around her and let your L deal with her L. Keep doing what your doing...its all good and remember. This sitch has been very short compared to many here...don't expect it to be a quick fix.
But I have to 'pick'. I'm not sure what I'm picking... me over her? or just not to communicate with her about MR talk? To focus on bettering me while NOT talking to her about this crap? If she continues to initiate and force MR talk, do I ignore her or just leave and go dark?
You aren't "picking". She's an emotionally reactive mess trying to bully you into doing what she wants...and she doesn't know what that is. What good is MR talk going to do right now? Focus on you and let your L protect you. Play a solid defense while your W tires herself out trying to come up with attacks that will drain her (and her resources). LRT until she seems to seriously want to R instead of manipulate...you'll know the difference. By the way...this seems so often misconstrued, but it is US that should not be bringing up R. If the S wants to...let them! But just listen and validate. They are the one who is upset enough to end the relationship.
I've already decided if she came back today and said she's sorry and wants to work on us, I won't give in easily. A lot of my self-reflection has lead to direct discovery of her problems, and I don't want these patterns of the past to repeat themselves. I won't join forces unless she's willing to work out her own issues.
Good plan. And hopefully you don't do it alone.
I know I've made a lot of progress in dropping my habits of why I'm doing what during this time. I know there's a lot of progress to be made still though. I really appreciate all your posts.
I'm amazed, betterm. You are doing very well.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
I think what trumpet said was a good response for now Like I've said before tell her you need some time to process everything Which is the absolute truth!! And yes betterm. I was one of those people who rushed back into things too quickly. And here I am again So there is no reason to put a clock on anything Keep up the good work. I know it's extremely difficult not respond Also make sure you don't drink a lot right now I know it seems simple but you will let your guard down
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
