What Should I be doing (4)

[Coconut]

I'll start with the good news.. Before I read all of the responses, my W asked to talk when she got home, we hashed through things that were bothering us, there are definitely things that both of us had to get out. For the most part the conversation was good, but there are still some things that we don't see eye to eye. I explained to her why it upset me to see that, and maybe wrongly, but I pointed out that her A likely started with innuendos and woulda stopped there if certain lines were recognized. it doesn't take much to go from friends to romance. I think she understood my concern there.

She shocked me by letting me know that she went to a call at the firehouse on her way home from work, ran into the guy she was commenting to on FB, and told him that some of the comments where inappropriate and her husband doesn't like it.. Needless to say I was shocked when she told me that.

We brought up MC and are going to go. She reconfirmed that she is committed to working on us, that it bothers her to be under surveillance but she understands my need to verify. And another DB no no, but I showed her the apology letter I wrote to her before I knew about the A, it made her cry... I told her that was how I felt before I found out about the A, but now I constantly struggle between feeling like that, to feeling more hurt than loved, more betrayed than sad, and I have difficulty keeping my emotions in check.

We talked for about an hour and a half, we both were mentally exhausted... She stated that in the future we need to limit the talks to 30 mins cause they are to exhausting, I validated her and agreed to that, and I asked that we also plan R talks 1 or 2 days a week, and never on a day that we plan an outing, she thought that was a good idea.

Wonka, I don't remember you recommending two books, so no, I didn't read them, but I will go back and find them. I definitely struggle with patience, it's lucky for me that I really seem to have a W that is committed to making us work or today may have ended it. For the record, we both suffer from confrontation avoidance, so we both tend to hold things in until they explode. I did apologize for blowing up like I did and told her I will work to find a healthier way to work through my emotions.

Sandi, we had not talked about this type of joking previously, I don't know that I thought of it or realized how it would affect me, but we discussed it today. The fact that she mentioned it to the other person said a lot to me, because I woulda never asked her to do that. I won't tell the OM W, it seems like something I would want to know, but I have enough R problems of my own, and everyone seems to agree that it's a bad idea.. We agreed to go to MC, and that we wouldn't try and hash through who did what wrong, but seek healthy ways to move forward.

CBT, I appreciate your insight, I'm definitely having control issues, which is so different from who I've always been, I guess I'm so afraid of getting hurt again I feel like I need to control everything. Mi gotta get past that, because it's no way to live happy... Better to love again and lose it, than to never find that love again at all... If I'm gonna do this, I gotta get to the point that I'm all in, I'm still going forward with no verifying this week and then see where I'm at.

Rose, I don't know how much you have read, but going off the tracks is a bad habit of mine... Sandi and Wonka really try to keep me going straight, but for some reason I can't seem to stay there.

Over all I think we will be ok, but definitely no more R talk today, just gonna spend some quiet time.

[Rose888]

That seems like a great update, Coconut. I'm rooting for the two of you and your marriage!

[Natus]

Phew that was a roller coaster. You dont know how many of us was getting heart attacks reading your sich. We all feel your pain and you improving your R is a shared win for us to.

Great that you both are going to go MC. Find an outlet, do your thing. My IC would say be Super Coconut.

[RSG]

That's great man. Great! Really hoping you become a success story.

[J5K]

Coconut,

Great to hear the positive news! I am rooting for your marriage!

[DDJ]

I couldn't even look at the train smash that were those TMs. I've decided that for sanity sake, email and TMs are not a good way to communicate hurt and pain. So much get's lost when someone is not in front of you.

Something that i'm still struggling with is patience, I think i've "lost" control of my STBXWW and she has therefore in turn lost control of herself. You need to lose your control too, only then will you learn patience and find peace with your situation.

Remember, you control 3 things:

Your aspiration - You want to stay in the MR
Your attitude - You will stay Mr Cool
Your actions - You must become attractive to your W

Again, we're all rooting for you. But always think, before you act.

[sandi2]

It all sounds like good news, to me. I really could not imagine a better outcome from a bad incident.

I explained to her why it upset me to see that, and maybe wrongly, but I pointed out that her A likely started with innuendos and woulda stopped there if certain lines were recognized. it doesn't take much to go from friends to romance. I think she understood my concern there

.

You are completely correct in how inappropriate relationships can begin with innuendos. In some jobs where the men and women work closely together, the joking and innuendos can go overboard. They get use to it. But as you pointed out, she knew to delete the messages b/c of your sensitivity. I can see both sides.

If I had not been here on the board, learning how these betrayed spouses felt such intense pain of rejection, shock, disappointment, utter gut-wrenching betrayal by the one they love the most............I don't know that I would have ever been able to open my heart to my H again. All I could see was his anger and disapproval...........and of course, I took the disapproval as being very personal (as if an affair wouldn't be personal for the BS). It is a rough time for both spouses, and I believe they need guidance in finding their way back.

Your W appears seems more willing to work with you in saving the M, than I was. I had to reach the point of just being willing.....to be willing. That's how low and hopeless I felt. I don't think she is at that level.....which is very positive. You still need to discuss with her your concerns/fears and the things she does that are triggers to your emotional eruptions.

She shocked me by letting me know that she went to a call at the firehouse on her way home from work, ran into the guy she was commenting to on FB, and told him that some of the comments where inappropriate and her husband doesn't like it.. Needless to say I was shocked when she told me that.

Excellent!!!

We agreed to go to MC, and that we wouldn't try and hash through who did what wrong, but seek healthy ways to move forward.

I agree, as long as both of you understand what brought you to that place. Please be very careful in selecting an experienced therapist. Search his/her professional background and the patient reviews. I have had a couple of bad counselors in the past, and unfortunately, some are not worth a pinch of salt. Don't be hesitant to interview them by asking if they are solution based in moving forward, or more about hashing out the past.

When "Coach" was here on the board, he highly recommended the CBT technique, especially for the LBS. ( Cognitive Based Therapy). You might want to look it up on the Internet and see if it could help you in positive thought process while going through this period of piecing. Since negative thought seem to attack the betrayed S, CBT may be a consideration.

Frankly, I am relieved to hear the outcome of what could have been terrible. Today is the day the Lord has made. It is fresh and brand new, and it is ours to enjoy.

[rich4j]

Coconut...another good counseling approach is EFT (emotionally focused therapy)

A relative of mine went thru it and saved their marriage as it focuses on getting at the core of the disconnect and how to bring you both back to the emotional connection you need

[Coconut]

CBT - Cognitive Based Therapy
EFT - Emotionally Focused Therapy
IC - what type of therapy is this? I see it referenced a lot

I'm just putting the above for reference, so I can look them up to learn more after work, but if anyone can tell me what IC stands for id appreciate it.

Ok, so I released a lot of anger yesterday, it was the first time I've done it since all this started 2 months ago, and I gotta tell you that I feel so much better today. I have to find an effective way to release anger, because it feels great to not be holding it in, but I need to find a way to not unleash it towards her. As bad as it was, I think it was good for her also, at least for now.

She went to Karate last night, and I was sleeping when she got home, she woke me up by giving me a kiss on the cheek (not on purpose but I'm a light sleeper), when she came to bed, I snuggled with her and stayed that way until the alarm went off. I turned over to turn the alarm off, and she turned over and snuggled with me... Ok, I know I need to stop needing that, but it felt so nice.

[doodler]

IC is the acronym for individual counseling which can consist of any therapeutic approach. In my opinion, finding a good therapist is more important than a specific type of therapy.