My Wife Walked Out

[sandi2]

She may not know what it will take to make her happy. Happiness is something that has to come from within herself.

What did she do during the day? Did she work or volunteer?

It sounds as if she may be suffering from low self esteem, as well.

[RSG]

She's a preschool teacher. She enjoys teaching, but she's cried about hating her job too because she's used to preK kids and is now changing lots of diapers w/2yr olds.

She does have low self esteem. Hates her body, will show outward bravado but is extremely sensitive.

I think the only thing that really makes her happy is our son. Even though he's not easy to take care of for one person....

[RSG]

I just got to the part in DR where you're supposed to write down your goals. I had to rewrite mine a few times as Michele explained you have to make them specific and action based! So, here are the 3 I wrote down: 1) For us to choose a new preschool for our son together. 2) For her to ask about me via text/phone 3) Encourage her about something causing her stress(likely her being director of summer camp)

When she called last night to tell our son goodnight, I could tell she was pretty sad. He said I love you, hi Mommy, bye bye, etc but he was focused more on me and talked about Daddy. She started to cry, but she's obviously decided never to let me hear it and when I asked if she were ok she said I'm doing fine and quickly said goodnight.

Also, during those few moments when the conversation isn't directly about our son, I feel like she's trying to instigate something. Like she wants to push my buttons and cause me to blow up. Could this be an attempt to validate her choice, to have me get angry and say something nasty that would illustrate that I really am the reason she's unhappy? I haven't fallen for the bait, and even do a pretty good job of validating.

[Rose888]

I just got to the part in DR where you're supposed to write down your goals. I had to rewrite mine a few times as Michele explained you have to make them specific and action based! So, here are the 3 I wrote down: 1) For us to choose a new preschool for our son together. 2) For her to ask about me via text/phone 3) Encourage her about something causing her stress(likely her being director of summer camp)

When she called last night to tell our son goodnight, I could tell she was pretty sad. He said I love you, hi Mommy, bye bye, etc but he was focused more on me and talked about Daddy. She started to cry, but she's obviously decided never to let me hear it and when I asked if she were ok she said I'm doing fine and quickly said goodnight.

Also, during those few moments when the conversation isn't directly about our son, I feel like she's trying to instigate something. Like she wants to push my buttons and cause me to blow up. Could this be an attempt to validate her choice, to have me get angry and say something nasty that would illustrate that I really am the reason she's unhappy? I haven't fallen for the bait, and even do a pretty good job of validating.

The goal section of DR confuses a lot of people.

Your #2 isn't a goal. A goal is something you can control, and you can't control her at all.

#1 and #3 are goals. You might want to break the first one down into smaller goals (make a list of possible preschools, research one preschool a week, identify your top 3 chioices, etc.). For the third one, you might want to set a frequency--once a week? once per conversation?

[RSG]

Rose,

Thanks for your analysis.
#1 We have looked into preschools together, and I'm calling them in order to see when we could take a tour. So, we are basically at the choosing stage right now.

#2 I see your point. This is more of a want than a goal, isn't it? Maybe my goal within the next two weeks is to open the opportunity up more. As in, when time allows (not forcing!), talk about her day and the like hoping she might ask the same about me.

#3 Good idea! I'll go with once a week, since conversations have been pretty brief so far.

[sandi2]

Also, during those few moments when the conversation isn't directly about our son, I feel like she's trying to instigate something. Like she wants to push my buttons and cause me to blow up. Could this be an attempt to validate her choice, to have me get angry and say something nasty that would illustrate that I really am the reason she's unhappy? I haven't fallen for the bait, and even do a pretty good job of validating.

Yes, I think she does it to justify her leaving what made her unhappy (in her viewpoint). When she begins to feel a little doubt, she'll try to engage you into an argument to reinstate to her that you're to blame for all that's wrong in her life.

I suggest you practice agreeing with her........whenever you can. Even making comments like, "You may be right", could stop an impending argument. And, with the track record of both of you, trying to get your point across to her is usless right now. I think she needs a lot of validation. Don't kiss her a$$, just listen and validate, if you can only nod your head while she's talking. Looking directly in her eyes while she talks, is important to women. Don't be creepy, trying to follow her around and get in front of her to see her eyes, just look at her, so she'll know you hear her. if she looks away, then wait for her to look back at you. She doesn't want emotional pressure. Don't waste your breath trying to persuad her to your way of thinking about her or the MR. It will only verify her feelings that you are her problem.

If she is approaching her unhappy life by eliminating possible sources, it will take her time to realize the true source.

Regarding her job, is she caring for children in diapers? Is this PreK or more like child care? I could understand her being certified as a PreK teacher, but feeling as if she can't fulfill what she has been trained to do. This could be a realistic source of discontent. It could also feed her low self esteem. Has she tried to get a position with three & four years olds?

[RSG]

Sandi, I'm glad I'm seeing her attempts to create an argument out of nothing correctly. I know I can't fall for the bait. I'm validating her feelings pretty well, but will work on looking her in the eyes. I know that shows a bit more confidence. I was able to do that the last time we spoke.

Yeah, I realize it's going to take a while for her to figure out why she's unhappy. Being away from our son has definitely hurt her, and with the way he's been hanging on me lately she might hurt even more if he talks about me when she's keeping him. From DR, I read one of the general rules was that for every year of marriage it'd take a month of healing. That makes about 4 for us, which would mean it'd be around our son's birthday if everything went well.

Yes, it's an actual preschool she works at and not a daycare. It's actually one of the best in Atlanta. She has lots of certifications, you've nailed it on the head. She's a qualified teacher and is reduced, largely, to cleaning poopy diapers and soothing screaming 2yr olds. I believe she is going to be with older kids next school year, which made her happy. I've encouraged her about her job many times. Not more than 3 weeks ago, she sat on the stairs crying about her job and I came, put my arms around her, and told her how great she was doing and would continue to do. She kissed me and said thank you.

Another thing that will make her happy is when we find our son a preschool. After we've got him signed up, I'm expecting she'll want to talk as she's mentioned we have to "take care of him before we talk about us." That could be in around a month.

[RSG]

Well, kind of a weird night.
I picked up our son from my parents. He was thrilled to see me, and instead of wanting to stay and play, he wanted Daddy to take him home!
My wife didn't text me until about 530PM, asking how his day was. I got a new iphone, so we could do facetime with him. She was excited I did, but didn't explicitly say so. She said she'd call around 730 to say goodnight. I call her around 715. I have looked at my son's ipad and see that some guy is in charge of the iCloud, using his credit card and my wife is part of the "family group." I ask her if there's something I need to know, and if someone is paying for her itunes. No, she says. She's calling Apple. In 2 or 3 minutes the family section of iCloud is gone. We text a little more about how weird it is. Surely our son has screwed around and done something she says.

I take my son upstairs so he can drink his milk, wind down and get to bed. He's exhausted, and falls asleep about 30 minutes earlier than usual. It's 8 and we try facetime, it doesn't work. I call, and my volume is screwed up. We discuss how we're going to handle next week with him and therapy this summer, but she can't hear me and I need a few minutes to think about what she's asking. She goes on for 2-3 minutes without stopping, demanding yes or no answers when I take a second to think about what she's asking and gets wildly impatient. I tell her I understand she wants to know how we'll keep him, but she can't hear me and something's wrong with the volume. She says ok, we agree on a plan and I say I'll google the problem.

I google the problem, and figure out facebook drains the battery and affects the volume. THAT is weird lol! Then I call Apple and ask about the iCloud. The person who opens the family account sends out an email and anyone part of it must accept (ie my wife had to have accepted this invitation). There's no way my son could do this as her email is not open on the ipad. ??????????

We text a little more about the issue, she says Apple has quick service. She says she's tired and we'll talk tomorrow when she gets here. I ask if it's anything bad, in a joking manner. She says we're just going to iron out details and she's going to bed. I tell her I hope she sleeps well and I'll see her tomorrow. She says see you tomorrow.


I don't believe she's seeing anyone. She's been so irritable, ugly and argumentative that I think she'd throw that in my face. She also knows that there would be little chance I'd want to save our marriage if she is cheating on us. (I would likely lay into her, look into a lawyer) She also noted that, instead of having fun with her parents this weekend, it was "weird" and when I asked what was wrong she just ignored it. Something else for her to be stressed about. Her Mom is sick with an alcohol related remedy that has her on pills, otherwise she'd have psychotic episodes and would barely be able to hang on to life. Her Dad retired from the Army 3yrs ago, and spends his days taking care of her Mom and taking her 14 yr old sister to school. She's very protective of her Dad, and sad for the position he's in.

She's coming tomorrow morning, as she wants to take him swimming before nap. He will love it.

[sandi2]

I use to hear that once you are M, you can never really live back home again. What it means is that going home will never be like it was when you were a kid living there.

[RSG]

This is true; however, I think she meant that the dynamic between her parents is off again because of her Mom's condition. She said she's not comfortable with our son over there because they won't be able to look after him sufficiently. I know this makes her sad, and probably adds to whatever she's feeling already....