Just a Vanilla Change 30

[Vanilla]

This is my new thread

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Abuse thread with Zelda

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V

[Phoebe]

Hi Miss V. I haven't kept up with your thread in the last couple weeks, but I just wanted to say hello and welcome to your new digs.

I wish you peace and send you smiles.

[Vanilla]

Time for an update

I have a change of thread name about every ten threads, it was originally my intention to move to surviving the big D, my thread here doesn't get much traffic. For a number of reasons not least because my D process isn't finished, there will be another 10 threads.

So a brief update

I made a late marriage with a difficult man who had a great deal of compulsions.

This included spending what would be 10 years of my earnings in 6 months, gambling, smoking, drinking and womanising.

I estimate at least 5 OW to date.

I originally dropped the bomb about 6 months into the M, deciding to walk then DB. XWH went off the rails in a big way, ranting, spewing and intimidating.

I am a WAW who DB her R.

It has been a hard and tough journey and I acknowledge there were times when I turned into a screaming banshee.

My financial position is very poor and I live from hand to mouth and am better than I have been for several years.

It is very stressful at 62 to deal with a man who sees me as an easy target.

The D part of the D is finalised although I await the paperwork to reassure myself of this.

The Financial part of the D has not yet begun.

As far as I am aware he is living with a married Italian diplomat in Italy (Maggotroni).

I have been NC with xWH for 12 months after he left the MH on 2 May 2015. Although he kept turning up at random times to collect things. I only allow him to contact me through my L.

I am very afraid of xWH and he has said he intends me harm.

If I knew with hindsight, which is a wonderful thing, them there are many things I could have done differently. My journey would be different and this learning experience would not be mine.

I decided to be very open about my journey as I still suffer episodes of complex PTSD which are likely to be with me for life. If you want to read a long struggle with detachment and a wandering journey then you will find that in my threads.

There is a long way to go and I am not ready to move to surviving the big D, so I stay in Newcombers.

I would particularly like to thank those members of my tribe who are still here in Newcombers

Greengrass whose voice and sassy have assisted me on my journey so much. I thank you my red kick ass healed DB friend.

RD whose patience and family life give me hope and inspiration.

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To those who have moved to other parts of the board, particularly, Sotto, SunnyB, Dawn, Maybell, Mahhty and Mozza. Together with the forthright Zues.

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To those who have been part of my journey, Edz, Jim, Pigpen, WhyUs, Zephyr, Uturn, Joe, MCS, Mutatio, Fo, Jellyb, Pink and so many many more.

For those who have suffered with abuse, Zelda, Ancaire, Schermann and the wonderful Mustardseed.

I offer gratitude and my enduring thanks.

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With my current tribe here some of who are ahead of me on the road and others who need a gentle hand, some here and some IRL, I value you more than I can say. I will keep posting to you.

There are others still struggling like V, that's you Ghost! Thank you for keeping on keeping on.

My deepest respect for the vets, Wonka, Sandi, MrBond, and Cadet.

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There is always a home on this thread for my fellow DB travellers.

V

[Vanilla]

Now for today.

I have pneumonia and am back on antibs. So I am sleeping a great deal which can't be bad.

I had a PTSD episode about it as I heard WH (his voice from behind me) and imagined him in front of me ranting. Saying the things he said regularly

I don't do ill (marriage vows?)

That's stupid you are just lazy

Well that's the earnings gone

You are a hypochondriac

What about me then?

Get it over with, next time

I would be better off if you were dead

Sell all the house and go retire

I want you to pay me what you owe me

You are taking the piss and give me no money

Call yourself a business woman

On and on

I face him and tell him to STFU and I walk away, just as I did in real life.

I have no nice thoughts of xWH, I have no ill will, I hope he finds peace and love in himself. I want that for him elsewhere. Italy is fine.

I once had a dream that xWH was a maggot feeding on a dead flap of skin on my stomach. It fascinated me, as I watched him living on detritus. Living off my energy and life until now he has only dead flesh to feed on, whilst my wound heals.

I am unsure what this means. I am in a pensive mood.

I am aware that I have posts from my last thread to answer..

I need to rest for a while.

Hugs to all

V

[Vanilla]

Hi Miss V. I haven't kept up with your thread in the last couple weeks, but I just wanted to say hello and welcome to your new digs.

I wish you peace and send you smiles.

Thank you Phoebe

V

[Zues126]

I'm so thankful you're not in that spot anymore. I'm sorry that you still have to live with the aftermath.

Dreams are odd. For some reason I'll share a dream my best friend had last night. He dreamed that he was driving down the road when there was a terrorist attack. In no time flat it turned to a post-apocalyptic world. He stopped at a gas station and this lady was trying to get to her car, but this sinister guy was lurking in the shadows like he was going to attack her. He escorted the lady to her car, but after she left the guy followed him into the gas station and started moving in like he was going to attack. My buddy grabbed two glass bottles of coca-cola and broke the ends off, using them as weapons as he prepared to defend himself. His first thought was "gotta go for the neck and try to open up an artery", then he thought "boy, the terrorist attacks were only a few minutes ago, the situation sure escalated quickly!" It was kind of humorous to him how it went from a normal evening to battling strangers with broken coke bottles in the gas station in no time flat.

I don't know why I'm sharing other than I thought it was funny, and I'm proud to have a friend bad-a$$ enough to handle even a dream villain that way.

As for you, if it's anything like it is for me I hope things start moving with your D very quickly. You say you are just starting on the financial piece, but with XH it sounds like a lot was frittered away. Is there much left to fight over? What type of timelines are you saddled with?

You've been on your own for a while now. Are you turning thoughts towards dating again, or are you kind of hunkered down and just trying to recover for a bit like I am?

Who is in your support group? What do you do for fun on the weekends, and who do you spend your time with these days?

I'm sure we've talked about this, but I can't remember so give me a little insight. Glad you're not off to surviving just yet. Your posts are awesome and the newcomers are lucky to have you around.

[Ggrass]

Now for today.

I have pneumonia and am back on antibs. So I am sleeping a great deal which can't be bad.

I had a PTSD episode about it as I heard WH (his voice from behind me) and imagined him in front of me ranting. Saying the things he said regularly

I don't do ill (marriage vows?)

That's stupid you are just lazy

Well that's the earnings gone

You are a hypochondriac

What about me then?

Get it over with, next time

I would be better off if you were dead

Sell all the house and go retire

I want you to pay me what you owe me

You are taking the piss and give me no money

Call yourself a business woman

On and on

I face him and tell him to STFU and I walk away, just as I did in real life.

I have no nice thoughts of xWH, I have no ill will, I hope he finds peace and love in himself. I want that for him elsewhere. Italy is fine.

I once had a dream that xWH was a maggot feeding on a dead flap of skin on my stomach. It fascinated me, as I watched him living on detritus. Living off my energy and life until now he has only dead flesh to feed on, whilst my wound heals.

I am unsure what this means. I am in a pensive mood.

I am aware that I have posts from my last thread to answer..

I need to rest for a while.

Hugs to all

V

Nilla and that could have been written exactly word for word all xh2 direct quotes.

Nowadays if I make a nice meal, I remind my self but I cannot cook! Xh2 fave line every single day.

I laugh heartily and enjoy the meal with bf who agrees nope I cannot cook as good a celeb to chief. But for now he can suffer my cooking when his wife who passed only basically ate mashe potato and loved the freeze dried stuff.

My psd attack was some thing which it doesn't matter the cause, but it showed me to very important things.

1. Xh2 as I thought had and has not let go of the r.
Quote another poster mlc men seem to see their xw as dirty rubbish (he did say that) but it's his dirty rubbish he can do what ever the hell he likes. Including boundary violations and still excerise covert threats,and stalking.

2. I have extensive programming from those large years that can be triggers even if only for a 5min period in which I shake want to vomit and let a couple of sneaky tear drops out. I tell myself that makes me a caring person.

The one part I can do,little about until I can have pyscial evidence of the stalking, on one hand I cannot be bothered to even expend the Energy to do so. Other other hand wants to grab him and humitate him with exactly the same things he did to me.

The two part well I can re direct as you do nilla and laugh... That he has to go to such great lengths while living his blissful life with his wonderful fantasy ow in perfection. The fact he thinks I haven't let go, which as some of you know I shut the door a long time ago.
While there is tidy up baggage, the door is nailed shut, my hope ran out my wounds bled out and simply I had not much of the m left.

Now days I cannot with bf on the scene remeber what it was like to have xh2 around in good times. When you look back there was very few, those major times when I asked for my needs to be number one they fell by the way side with xh2 always wanting to be some where else or on some other project. I was last in so many ways. I just blanked a lot out the mind is weak.

I have had to send of more stuff to l, and like you I'm not finished with the busisines side.
It showed how I was actually almost following db things I put things out there very clearly. Xh2 answers where as always about him and how unfair it would me to expect he would meet any need.

Reading them now has been very In lightening. They say feeling change but on most things I haven't really changed any feelings I still feel the same. I still see the negative and un solution oriented ways and statements of xh2. I even told him so via email way back.

It's seems that adage here about we are far smarter than we know is very true, we just need to listen.

[SH_]

Dropping by to give hugs and say that I hope you feel better soon. Sounds like a rough stretch for you. But your posts are still full of the light that is in you and always points full of wisdom.

(((Vanilla)))

You are in my prayers that your health may return soon and that you will feel peace as you heal.

[roist]

Best wishes V

[roist]

Best wishes V