What Should I be doing (4)

[sandi2]

Let her go? They are trying to reconcile! She has told him the one thing she can't stand is for him to disengage again.

He does need to trust but verify, especially since there is no complete void of contact between her and OM. He doesn't have to constantly look at her phone, but he does need to monitor her.

Coconut, you can forgive her A, but not the timing of it b/c that's when you decided to get off your a$$ and do something? That sounds just like a man!

You are essentially mad at her b/c you feel you wasted your time and/or efforts? In other words, if she had had the A before you decided to give attention to the MR, no problem........b/c you weren't out any energy?

[DDJ]

Sorry sandi and coconut. Wrapping my head around the analytical side of the process. If I am co-dependent on my WW, and she returns, will that not mean that my co-dependency and attachment will remain?

In other words, if the aim is to detach, how are you able to do that if you're reconciling?

[Coconut]

Sandi, that may be the case, but it's not how I feel it is. I don't feel I'm upset because I was putting energy into it, I needed to put energy into my life and I see that as the best thing that's come out of all of this. I think I'm upset with the timing because she said she always loved me, she says that she never wanted to leave me, she says that she always wanted us to work... But she waited until we had our first real talk in two years, one that really addressed our issues, and then instead of being willing to work on us she went to someone else to spite me...

Anyway, something I gotta work through.

So I went to bed around 1130, told my son and W to not fall asleep on the couch, W said she wouldn't was going to bed soon. I woke up at 2am, saw W wasn't in bed, so I went to couch to go wake her up, but she wasn't there. Went to spare bedroom, she wasn't there. Went to sons room, just him in there. Back to MBR, see her phone was on nightstand, but her side of bed was still made.

Chkd phone, and saw FF call had come in about twenty minutes earlier, and I saw her purse was gone. She's never left her phone at home, and would be a good way to not allow find my iPhone, so I drove to fire station. Her car was there, but the big Doors where all shut, so I had no way to know if the truck was in there or not, so I parked across the street and waited. Truck came back about 10 mins later, and W and 3 others came out in about 5 mins and all walked directly to the cars and left. I then drove home, and W asked where I had gone, I told her to see where she was, she asked did I see the call on her phone, yes, but I didn't understand why you left your phone at home.

She was annoyed and didn't talk to me after that, went to bed. I woke her up this morning, said goodbye when I left.

[Ginger1]

You've got the best of the best helping you, but take what I say with a grain of salt.

She left her phone behind, you actually saw there was a fire call, but you went to the firehouse at 2am to verify?

That's being followed to work. I understand the trust and verify, I would have needed that too if my ex and I were to reconcile. But I can see how following her everywhere she goes might annoy her, especially when at work. Tracking her EVERY move may not be a good idea. Hopefully some trust will slowly leak back in. And maybe you can find other ways to verify if you must verify everything if track your iphone isn't an option. I don't know that following her everywhere you can't find her is the best idea.

Just my 2 cents

[sandi2]

Sorry sandi and coconut. Wrapping my head around the analytical side of the process. If I am co-dependent on my WW, and she returns, will that not mean that my co-dependency and attachment will remain?

In other words, if the aim is to detach, how are you able to do that if you're reconciling?

But this is not about you, on this thread. Don't take that harshly, I just mean that you are in an entirely different place than Coconut. It is not a one-size-fits-all. What you may need to do at the moment does not apply to Coconut's stitch. Understand?

[Coconut]

You've got the best of the best helping you, but take what I say with a grain of salt.

She left her phone behind, you actually saw there was a fire call, but you went to the firehouse at 2am to verify?

That's being followed to work. I understand the trust and verify, I would have needed that too if my ex and I were to reconcile. But I can see how following her everywhere she goes might annoy her, especially when at work. Tracking her EVERY move may not be a good idea. Hopefully some trust will slowly leak back in. And maybe you can find other ways to verify if you must verify everything if track your iphone isn't an option. I don't know that following her everywhere you can't find her is the best idea.

Just my 2 cents

Ginger, I know it seems like I've been verifying a lot, which I did do this weekend, because there were a lot of things going on outside the norm... Prior to this weekend, I hadn't followed her anywhere for over a week, and I hadn't looked at her phone for over a week either. But her being gone at 2 am, her phone at home and her side of bed still made... That was beyond unusual. She had gone on 7 other calls during the day yesterday, and I didn't verify on any of those, just let her do her thing.

[sandi2]

Sandi, that may be the case, but it's not how I feel it is. I don't feel I'm upset because I was putting energy into it, I needed to put energy into my life and I see that as the best thing that's come out of all of this. I think I'm upset with the timing because she said she always loved me, she says that she never wanted to leave me, she says that she always wanted us to work... But she waited until we had our first real talk in two years, one that really addressed our issues, and then instead of being willing to work on us she went to someone else to spite me...

I gotcha. From what you said here, it makes a little more sense to me that you would resent it. I would have to go back to review initial story line, but all I can tell you is that she must have been further along in the EA than you knew. It is very common for the couple to have a heart to heart and the H thinks he is fixing what was broken. However, she is often is speaking in retroactive terms (don't know if that's a good word for what I'm trying to say).

Timing between my H and I have always.....always been rotten. It just gets downright ironic. But that's how life works. I almost expect it, anymore.

I don't know how you feel, and don't mean to sound that I do. I have noticed that so many LBH's want a guarantee.....whether they see it in themselves or admit it. Maybe that is part of the process for the LBS....IDK. It makes sense. You have been betrayed and hurt, terribly. You want to know that nothing like this will ever happen again. It wasn't ever supposed to happen after the wedding vows were said, right? A fact of life is that sh't happens, and there are no garantees. Don't mean to sound so cynical, just being very realistic. What would probably help you is to see your W responding exactly like you want right now. It would give you assurance and help the healing process a lot. I wish she could, too, but I don't think she will be able to act like you want, at this particular time. How many weeks has it been since she said it was over with OM?

From my own experience, I can tell H's that for some women it's just not that simple, to bounce back and be the W he expects or needs to see from her. It's probably something the LBH will never fully comprehend....if they never go through waywardness themselves. Just like the WS can't fully grasp what the LBS goes through as a result of their S's wayward actions. We can try to learn as much as we can about it, but to fully comprehend the complexity of a WS, or for the WS to fully feel the depth of the destruction they have caused........probably not. And, I would think that would be a difficult fact for the LBS to accept, b/c the the majority, I think, wants the WS to know the intense pain they have caused. Makes sense to me.

Even when feeling remorseful for my waywardness and the A, it was as if there was some type of shield my brain would put there to protect myself from the full onslaught, at one time, of well deserved guilt and shame. For me, it was as if the regret, sorrow, guilt, and shame came in deposits. IDK, maybe if it had not come in deposits.....I would have been suicidal. Perhaps that is why I am very hesitant in how H's expose their WS. When they try to turn it into a public display, as if to make their W ride naked through the streets of the city.......well, that would have definitely run me out of town and away from my family. Anyway, don't want to get off on the subject of exposure. Just sharing my own situation.

Back to you Coconut, I know it must be tough for both of you. From what I can tell in your posts, it appears she is doing as well as could be expected. If she had tried to have sex with you right away, I would have been suspicious, (considering how things were previously). She has not avoided your closeness, and she seems to enjoy being with you.....and in my book, that counts for a lot!

[Coconut]

No worries Sandi, I don't even know how I feel most of the time.. And when I think I do, I change my mind, but what you say makes me consider different perspectives, which may lead to an epiphany.

Anyway, with all my verifying this weekend and even seeing her and OM leave the station at 2 am without a word to each other, I'm gonna reset. I'll never heal and move forward if I don't start putting the focus back on me.

For this week my goals are:
- don't reach out to her for reassurance, I'll acknowledge what she gives, but won't ask/expect anything.

- no verifying / snooping this week

- find at least 1 social activity to participate in

- meditate at least once a day at home, and go to 1 meditation class.

- spend at least 5 hours (in next 7 days) exercising or playing sports

- not participate in R talks, I will just validate if she initiates, but defer any questions she has till later, unless they are simple answers.

I need to put focus back on me for awhile, this will be a good start.

[Coconut]

oh, and while working on my goals I will still be friendly to W, and will invite her to at least 1 activity, but I know she will be busy this week studying for midterm, so perfect opportunity for me to find time for myself

[Coconut]

Hi my name is Coconut and I'm an addict... So I think I've become addicted to snooping.. W went to a different firehouse to study with some classmates and practice some practicals they are going to get tested on, I've gotten so accustomed to checking "find my iPhone" that I've had to stop myself twice... Geez, I definitely need to focus on me.

Good news is I'm heading out to the open mic night again, it was fun last week and the people getting up to the mic were good. While there I'm gonna force myself to at least try and have conversations with people around me, I have such a difficult time starting conversation with strangers..

I haven't mentioned going out to W, she was gone when I decided to go, but if she asks I'll tell her where I am, I'm guessing I'm past the trying to be mysterious point since we are more into reconciling...